Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our 20s and have two young sons. Our family is going through some trying times since my side of the family has had multiple deaths this year, including my mother. We have also struggled with our eldest son’s behavior due to his neurological issues that can cause him to act out. I will admit that I have been very critical of our eldest (punishing him for getting into fistfights at school, refusing to clean his room for days, and leaving out choking hazards for the baby, as some examples). I sometimes get to the point of screaming because he does not listen. My son and I are going to therapy to help our relationship.
My husband feels caught in the middle between us. He has aired his frustration to me but wants outside guidance. I suggested therapy, and he has considered it, but what he wants more is guidance from a parental figure. Unfortunately, he was orphaned at age 10. One of his aunts became his guardian parent. She checked out of being an active parent to him when her husband died. My husband was a teen when this happened. Since then, she has moved to a remote area with her sister and has only had contact with her “real” children and grandchildren. He has tried to make plans with her and his other family members, but they always stand us up or avoid us when they are visiting our area. My husband reached out to his other aunts and uncles, saying that he wished he had some guidance from them. He received a response from a different aunt of his saying that she wished she had some guidance, too.
They have made it clear that they do not want anything to do with my husband. I understand that they are not obligated to have any contact with him as an adult, but it’s still shitty. My grandmother has offered to be there to support him if he ever needs it, but I do not want to put any further stress on her because she is grieving and dealing with health problems. I cannot think of a way to provide him with an “adultier adult” to be supportive of him outside of therapy. Do you have any ideas?
—My Husband Needs a Mentor