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Telling mom it's too much.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My mother could definitely limit the money she spends on me. Growing up she didn’t provide for me the way she did with my older sister (for example, paying for college and for cars), and I made sure she knew it (which I’m ashamed of now). It has been almost 10 years since all of this happened. I’ve partly gotten over it and remind myself that she was in a different financial position with my sister. I am now happily married and a stay-at-home mother. My mom is a teacher who makes less than half of what my husband does, but she spends a ridiculous amount of money on me and her grandson. I keep telling her to save for retirement (10–12 years away) instead. I feel guilty every time she arrives with new toys and gifts. A few years ago I started a savings account, and it’s grown fairly substantial. I thought about giving it to my mother on her retirement, but now I’ve thought about giving it to my son upon his graduation from high school or college.

How do I stop feeling guilty? I’ve already spoken to her about toning down the gifts, and she’s sort of listened. Do I give her the account and hope the guilt goes away? I just love her so much, and I really hope she’s not gifting us things to make up for the past. I am so scared that this will hinder her ability to retire comfortably.

—Mother’s Generosity

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Re: Telling mom it's too much.

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    banana468banana468 member
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    Do you have the relationship with mom that you can talk about her retirement plans?  "Hey mom, have you talked to a financial advisor about what you'll need in 10 years to retire? "

    Or be blunt: "Mom you are so kind but I cannot accept this." 

    What you do with your savings is something you can determine when expenses arise.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    Keep that money LW!  Use it on yourself or your son for college/car, etc.  Go see a therapist because you are harboring some serious guilt for something that happened a long time ago!
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Keep your money, and use your words. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Have you ever just apologized to your Mom for what you said when you were young and immature? Try that and tell her that while you love the gifts, the extravagance is not necessary. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Does LW know where the mom is spending?
    My mum is financially in a good spot and often shops for BabyKitten and myself, but she knows where to shop, etc.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:
    Do you have the relationship with mom that you can talk about her retirement plans?  "Hey mom, have you talked to a financial advisor about what you'll need in 10 years to retire? "

    Or be blunt: "Mom you are so kind but I cannot accept this." 

    What you do with your savings is something you can determine when expenses arise.
    This x10.  I think proper retirement planning is one of the most difficult, disciplined, and challenging things people can do.  Because there is nothing fast about it and there is no "making up for lost time".  Time IS the advantage.

    If the LW and her SO are on course to a comfortable funding of their own retirement.  AND have their child's college funding set aside.  Then it is probably a good idea to keep this savings account for her mother.  But keep it a secret!!!!!!!!!  If/when she needs extra financial help in her retirement, then the money is already there and saved up to help her.  And still keep it a secret.  If the LW already doesn't think her mother is very good at handling finances, she is especially going to be terrible if she is given a big sum of money all at once.

    Plus, another good reason to keep the account in the LW's name is...as her mother ages and it gets to a point where she needs more substantial care...any liquid assets in the mother's name will be sucked dry before she becomes eligible for some of those more extensive options under Medicare, ie nursing home or home health aide, etc.  I may not have described that perfectly, but it's some kind of deal like that.

    As for the guilt, she should have a sincere sit-down apology with her mother and her regrets for the unfair things she said.  Though, maybe they weren't so unfair.  I've been there.  I know what it's like.  I have one sister.  Except, our scenario is reversed from the LW's.  I'm the older sister and my sister is the younger one.  Starting in high school, even to the present day, my mom has ALWAYS helped my sister out more financially.  I admit, I have a bit of resentment against my own mother because of it.  It's not the money.  And I certainly don't expect to be financially helped as a grown adult.  I've never said anything to her and I never would.  Because it would just sound petty and was actually a much bigger issue years ago than it is now anyway.  But it has always hurt my feelings to be treated differently from my sister, in that regard.
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