Dad and the e-mail order GF.

mrsconn23 · January 2020

Dear Prudence,

My father is in his mid-80s and is highly educated and extremely intelligent. He and my stepmother were together for 45 years, until she passed away last year. She raised me, and I’ve been struggling to process my grief. I know I haven’t been calling him as often as I should or would like to. I called him last week, and he dropped a bombshell. He is planning a trip to Ukraine to meet a woman he met online, who is supposedly 26 and a model.

He told me that when he spoke with my brother recently, my brother reacted the same way I did: “Are you sure you’re not being scammed?” When I called my brother to talk to him about this, he said this was the first he’s hearing about it. I want my dad to be happy. If he spends all of our (considerable) inheritance, well, that’s not ideal, but if he has adventures and skids into the grave with $20 in his bank account, at least he had fun! My stepmother was very ill for over a decade, so he definitely deserves it. But I don’t want him to be hurt. How can I convince him he’s going to either show up and never meet her or have far worse consequences (kidnapping, extortion, etc)?

—Catfished Dad

levioosa · January 2020

Oh no. This is for sure a scam.

MissKittyDanger · January 2020

Definitely a scam.
Is there a way LW could talk to the dad about "I understand you're lonely, but a lot of companies play on that and I don't want you to get taken advantage of"

downtondiva · January 2020

This is totally a scam. I can understand Dad wanting some companionship, but this is not the way to go about it.

It sounds like this is very out of character for LW's father. I wonder if a doctor's appointment is in order.

charlotte989875 · January 2020

Definitely a scam. Can you find examples/articles about similar things and share them? Would he be open to actual information rather than just his children’s opinions?

CharmedPam · January 2020

Yikes.

I seriously have no idea how to talk to someone about that!

OliveOilsMom · January 2020

A careful and even toned conversation needs to happen. Bring articles of similar scams that have happened in recent years. Encourage dad to meet people locally by joining a senior center.

I do agree with the brother, that the dad should be able to go out and have some fun in this world, but this is not the way to go about it. Instead of dad having a fun time with his money, its going to get taken by scammers.

banana468 · January 2020

No no no! "Dad, have you ever talked to her even in video? Why are you traveling there? Have you made arrangements to stay through any recommended travel companies?"

This reads as, "Please send money and you will be rewarded handsomely.'

MissKittyDanger · January 2020

So random fact but something similar came up in my life recently, and I ended up asking my mum how it was handled.
My uncle - who has never dated from what I've known - was talking to a woman online. My mum and I were pretty excited, because he deserves to be happy.
Later found out she was from Russia and we suspected mail-order-bride but when asked, my uncle got defensive.

Fine. My mum let it be and next time they were alone, she asked about the situation. He was going to pay for her to come here.
She ended up having the most basic "come to jesus" talk that essentially explained to him that while "sure that sounds like a great idea" had he spoken to her via video chat? Make sure it's not someone pranking him.

Eventually he listened to my mum, and when she opted to not video chat then he opted to not continue talking to her.

CharmedPam · January 2020

That was a very close call @MissKittyDanger!

MissKittyDanger · January 2020

@CharmedPam very much so. My mum knew she was really only one he would listen to and knew she had to tread lightly. We chatted a bit before she talked to him, mostly because maybe I had heard of scams about this.

mrsconn23 · January 2020

OK, this is Prudie's response which is pretty much in direct contrast with the consensus:

I don’t mean to sound flippant about your concern for your father, but it’s fairly unusual for well-off, elderly men who fly to Eastern Europe to spend time with young models just to be kidnapped. He holds plenty of cards in this situation and doesn’t seem at immediate risk of being exploited for ransom. The implication in your first paragraph—that if you had been a more supportive daughter, your father would not have sought out the company of a young Ukrainian model—is rather too hard on yourself. Daughters and Ukrainian models are not interchangeable, and your father would have likely sought out romantic and sexual companionship even if you’d called him every day. Nor do I think your stepmother’s illness needs to serve as justification or explanation for his choices now. He is entitled to make decisions about his own dating life regardless of the length of her illness.

You don’t say anything about his behavior otherwise, so I’m going to assume you haven’t seen signs of impaired judgment from him, and that this falls under the category of “slightly scandalizing but not-unheard-of behavior” rather than signs you think he should see his doctor. If that’s the case, I don’t think you need to worry about convincing him she’s not going to show. You can absolutely have a conversation with him about common sense and safety precautions when it comes to meeting a stranger overseas, offering to check in with him once he arrives, asking where he’s staying, and so on, but I think it’s pretty likely he actually does know what situation he’s in, with all the attendant possible risks and rewards. You can’t plan on skidding into the grave with only $20 left without incurring at least the possibility of an emotional bruise or two. That is part of the fun.

mrsconn23 · January 2020

Also, anecdotally, my uncle did online dating with a couple Russians and married one of them (the first one he send back to Russia pregnant) and the marriage did not end well...at all. Actually, I'm not 100% it's totally dissolved. I do know he'll be in court with her until the kids are of age (and maybe longer). So this person's dad will truly be meeting a perfect stranger.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2020

Nope, Prudie's response was way off the mark. Sorrynotsorry.

levioosa · January 2020

Wow Prudie missed the mark.

banana468 · January 2020

Yeah - Prudie's response only says that he doesn't have a lot of experience with people who are so easily tricked.

I know plenty of people who have all of their mental faculties who are so easily tricked by something on the internet. FIL is playing with a full deck and on weeks that he's fired up politically I find myself sending him Snopes links on the daily.

mrsconn23 · January 2020

It literally reads like Prudie's never heard of being catfished, human trafficking, swindling people out of money, internet hoaxes, or a million other red flags this situation pressents. This man is in his 80's. Even if it's not the onset of dementia, your faculties still decline with age. It's proven in studies.

So I seriously have no idea why Prudie's all, "What are you so worried about?" If my grandpa, who's in his mid-80's, said he was running off to a far flung place to meet some internet babe, his kids would all take their asses to Texas to stop him.

banana468 · January 2020

mrsconn23 said:

It literally reads like Prudie's never heard of being catfished, human trafficking, swindling people out of money, internet hoaxes, or a million other red flags this situation pressents. This man is in his 80's. Even if it's not the onset of dementia, your faculties still decline with age. It's proven in studies.

So I seriously have no idea why Prudie's all, "What are you so worried about?" If my grandpa, who's in his mid-80's, said he was running off to a far flung place to meet some internet babe, his kids would all take their asses to Texas to stop him.

Exactly. And when I say "easily tricked" I'm sure I've fallen for things as well. This is certainly more egregious but FFS, don't you think you'd speak up if someone was about to get on a plane to an unknown country to date someone he's never met? And this sounds completely normal?

FFS Prudie - it's time to do some research. There's a reason that Facebook is under fire and it's not because of the good intentions of everyone who posts on it.

banana468 · January 2020

Also, I just logged into my bank account and the FIRST thing that popped up before I accessed my information was a list of ways that they insist that they do not contact their customers and ways that customers can ensure they protect their accounts.

I hope Prudie receives a barrage of complaints about this one.

short+sassy · January 2020

LW, tell your dad to Google the Cesar/Maria storyline from 90-Day Fiance, lol.

I have a little bit different opinion than the PPs. For a lot of people, they will pay for the attention/affection/flirtations from a younger and/or hotter person. And, while not showing the best character for either person involved, can also be mutually beneficial as long as they are both on the same page about what is going on. But then, that's the rub of these romance scams. In addition to verifying this is a real person, he also needs to be and stay well aware that this is all a game she is playing with him, for money. But he may not be because it is astounding how delusional people can be.

Prudie is also way off the mark, to the extent that I'm wondering what rock he is living under. There are whole businesses that revolve entirely around connecting wealthy older men with beautiful women. They even set up junkets for these men to visit the Ukraine/Russia/other countries and meet "potential brides".

downtondiva · January 2020

I don't always agree with Prudie's responses, but this is one of the worst ones I've ever seen.

OliveOilsMom · January 2020

This is a really terrible Prudie answer among many other half-assed answers that Prudie has provided in recent years. I really miss the last Prudie, whose name is now escaping me, she was really spot on and really only messed up on etiquette related questions. I was excited when a younger person was taking over as Prudie because I thought he would be more "with the times."

The only thing Prudie got right in this answer was that LW should stop blaming herself, because it is not her fault that this is happening to her father. I hope LW took time to also read the comments, because I'm sure many people were calling out Prudie for what is a pretty common scam that was missed.

kerbohl · January 2020

I'm going to google the Cesar/Maria storyline right now .... I have not seen 90 Day Fiance.

maine7mob · January 2020

Daniel's response was very naive. He really needs to consult actual experts the way Dear Abby and other long-gone advice columnists did before formulating a response.

I have an 81 year old mother who has passed every cognitive test (her doc gives them routinely to patients her age) perfectly, but she has still fallen for some unbelievably stupid scams on her computer. Everyone gets lonely and is vulnerable to flattery, but older people, who grew up in a very different world, don't always realize how creative scammers can be in using technology to exploit people.

MesmrEwe · January 2020

A friend's daughter is currently being duped by these types - multiple times at that! ISYN, she believed the stories of "the wing fell off the plane and they couldn't get parts" for him to fly to her! Not only did she send this dude her savings but she convinced her Mom to send her money after her father passed for her to use, then didn't have the good sense to pay things like her rent, food, etc. Then add dealing with breast cancer and eating disorders on top of that! It's a situation that sucks to watch knowing there isn't a thing you can do nor say to convince her that she's being scammed and seek the real world help she needs...

Dad and the e-mail order GF.

Re: Dad and the e-mail order GF.

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