Moms and Maids

Not sure how to demote a MOH...

First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:

1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up.

2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year.

3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works.

4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time.

I'm very aware that she is a selfish person but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me.

I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?

Re: Not sure how to demote a MOH...

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:

    1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up.

    2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year.

    3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works.

    4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time.

    I'm very aware that she is a selfish person but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me.

    I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?
    The best way to have a wedding devoted exclusively to you and your FI is to elope.  The best way to permanently ruin a relationship is by “demoting” anyone.  No one is required to shop with you, or help you in any wedding planning other than your FI.  Your sister seems to be remaining true to who she is, but you seem to have turned into a bridezilla.  
    banana468MairePoppy
  • edited January 29
    I'm not forcing her to do anything for the wedding or plan events, so I don't see how I've turned into a 'Bridezilla'. Being that she is my sister (putting the MoH or BM title aside) I would've like to share opinions together and just have her overall support which is all I've asked. Why wouldn't I want to do that with my sister?

    If it's truly better to have it be just about my fiance and I since this is a DW, how can I gently break it to her that I don't want any undue stress on that day and decided against have a maid of honor or bridesmaid?
  • Time to sit back, relax, have a beverage and a cupcake while taking the bridal blinders off.  People do not change because it's your wedding nor will they ever be as excited for your wedding as you are.  The minutia of planning is not her thing.  She's the type that quite honestly, has other things she needs to deal with right now and your wedding which is months or a year out isn't one of her priorities in the present, and that's O.K!  To stress you and her out less may be give her the details of the dress you'd like her to wear (I.e. Color, length, formality level) to shop for by herself, when it gets closer to the wedding and the details are solidified, and let the rest go. 

    As for the shower, it's entirely o.k. to do what you're doing as long as it's not the same day as the wedding and planned with the bride knowing what's going on so that you're not being perceived as stealing HER thunder or taking away from.

    Bridal blinders basically are the (false) image we've been given for years of "Wedding is the most important day in a girl's life", the bridesmaids that are just as excited to do every single activity together with the bride and the bride's servants essentially and the reality is the only "job" of your MOH is to show up the day of the wedding, relatively sober, wearing the designated attire (selected to be within THEIR budget, and respectful of their attire preferences, NOT yours!  and by respectful of their attire preferences think selected based on a picture instead of something that actually is flattering on their body), smile for some pictures, have dinner, and that's it!


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:

    1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up. So? None of this has anything to do with being MOH. You don't like your sister. Why did you ask her to be MOH? 

    2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year. Expecting someone to set aside their personal life for your party is your first problem. 

    3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works. You've got to be kidding me. You asked her to move a weekend away to go dress shopping? Who does that? 

    4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time. Are you paying her as a wedding planner? This is not her responsibility. 

    I'm very aware that she is a selfish person It seems that runs in the family but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. People don't change because you are getting married. I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me. I can see why. You don't seem to give a crap about her life or her relationship which is clearly quite stressful for her. I wouldn't want to spend time with you either! 

    I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? You can't demote her, because she is not your employee, as much as you want to treat her like one. You can kick her out of your wedding, which is a relationship ending move.  Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?
    Answers in bold. 
  • First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:

    1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up. So? None of this has anything to do with being MOH. You don't like your sister. Why did you ask her to be MOH? Because my parents pressured me into it and have reminded me since they are contributing a good portion into my wedding that they have a say so in the wedding planning.

    2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year. Expecting someone to set aside their personal life for your party is your first problem. First of all, the point of the trip was to attend my cousin's wedding and be there for him on his special day. Second of all, I didn't expect a bachelorette party or a bridal shower since my bridesmaids are from different states. And third, I didn't have any grand expectations for her to come to the bachelorette party since she's notorious for skipping out on events that aren't about her. My complaint here was that she wouldn't even let us at least let her know that we were having a bachelorette party while we were up there. I don't want to be in a position where she get's mad at me for not telling her about it when she wouldn't even sit down long enough for us to tell her. Please read my original complaint before you respond with accusations that are completely untrue.

    3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works. You've got to be kidding me. You asked her to move a weekend away to go dress shopping? Who does that? Well, considering that she hadn't even requested the days off work, booked any hotels, and activities, it shouldn't have really been a problem. I suggested spring break since she already had off that week from school and would be easier at work to request off. She said that to be spiteful which is what's upsetting.

    4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time. Are you paying her as a wedding planner? This is not her responsibility. I take it you don't have any sisters because that's what girls do, they ask for opinions on things. She constantly asks me for my opinion about things she's concerned about and encourage her with helpful responses and the one time I ask her about something I'm concerned about, she can't find the time to do so.

    I'm very aware that she is a selfish person It seems that runs in the family I didn't realize wanting to include my sister in things was considered 'selfish' but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. People don't change because you are getting married. Not asking her to change, just asking for support, as I stated in my original post. Please make an effort to read. I didn't realize showing someone support was considered 'altering someone's personality'. Isn't that basic etiquette when you're invited to be part of a wedding?  I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me. I can see why. You don't seem to give a crap about her life or her relationship which is clearly quite stressful for her. I wouldn't want to spend time with you either! Please read my bold green statement in #4 and tell me again I don't give a crap about her life or her relationships.

    I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? You can't demote her, because she is not your employee, as much as you want to treat her like one. You can kick her out of your wedding, which is a relationship ending move. Clearly 'demote' was the wrong choice of words to use here. Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?
    Answers in bold. 
    Answers in green.
  • It's best to leave things as they are, in regards to your sister being your MOH.  You will just be causing more stress and nightmare to do anything differently, because telling her you don't want her to be your MOH and/or in your WP anymore is a major insult.

    Instead, adjust your expectations with your sister.  As @banana468 mentioned, being a MOH is a ceremonial role.  There is nothing else she needs to do, except show up for the wedding.  Relatively sober and in the appropriate attire.  Don't expect her to be happy/excited at your wedding either.  If she is, bonus!  If she isn't, focus on the people who are.  You cannot control her behavior but, at least to a large extent, you can control your reactions to it.  She can't ruin your wedding, if you don't give her the power to.  If she wants to spend the reception sitting in a corner and sulking or whatever, then let her go sulk and don't give it another moment's thought. 

    I completely understand why you are hurt and disappointed.  Your sister sounds immature, selfish, and like an attitude queen.  But it also sounds like she's in a rough place in her own relationship.  She might be happy for you, but all the wedding planning going on around her might also be making it tougher to handle her own relationship woes.

    My further advice:

    2) She's been invited to the cousin wedding/family reunion.  She doesn't want to go.  To the point of screaming.  Probably because nobody accepted that she's already said "no", multiple times.  As disappointing as that is for you/mom/rest of the family...let it go.  She knows she can change her mind and hopefully she will, as the event gets closer.  But it's just going to be frustrating for everyone if you all try to force her.

    3) and 4)  She doesn't want to go dress shopping with you.  She doesn't want to talk about and give her opinion about anything wedding related.  Accept that and stop asking her for one.  You'll both be happier.  Again, it would be nice if she could show at least some support and enthusiasm.  Even if wedding/party planning isn't her thing.  But that isn't who she is.  So, every time you ask for her opinion.  You're annoying her, but also setting yourself up to have your feelings hurt by her.      
    Thank you, your response was very helpful.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Unfortunately, you have now learned the hard way that more often than not, "He who pays, has the say."  The burden was on you as the adult to not be bullied by your parents.  Had they not pressured you, would you have asked your sister to be in your wedding party?  It sounds to me as if your "beef" is with your parents and your inability to stand up to them.  You claimed you regret asking your sister "based on her personality", but your regret belongs to you for not saying "No" to your parents.  If your sister has even the slightest idea that she was only asked because you were forced, I can certainly understand why she is less than "enthusiastic". 
    It sounds as if you won't have to worry about a shower because cash is not an appropriate shower gift.  While on the subject, please make sure cash gifts are not "registered" for under the guise of a honeyfund or anything like that.  If you truly only want cash gifts, then register for nothing.  Most folks will take the hint and voluntarily gift cash. 
    To what extent is your wedding a destination?  Is it possible your sister is worried that there is no way her boyfriend will be able to afford to attend the wedding with her?  That consideration could also help to explain why your sister has a sour attitude toward this wedding.  Will the trip take several days?  To a 20-something, or others for that matter, any separation can seem like an eternity. 
    MesmrEweMyNameIsNotMairePoppy
  • MobKaz said:
    Unfortunately, you have now learned the hard way that more often than not, "He who pays, has the say."  The burden was on you as the adult to not be bullied by your parents.  Had they not pressured you, would you have asked your sister to be in your wedding party?  It sounds to me as if your "beef" is with your parents and your inability to stand up to them.  You claimed you regret asking your sister "based on her personality", but your regret belongs to you for not saying "No" to your parents.  If your sister has even the slightest idea that she was only asked because you were forced, I can certainly understand why she is less than "enthusiastic". 
    It sounds as if you won't have to worry about a shower because cash is not an appropriate shower gift.  While on the subject, please make sure cash gifts are not "registered" for under the guise of a honeyfund or anything like that.  If you truly only want cash gifts, then register for nothing.  Most folks will take the hint and voluntarily gift cash. 
    To what extent is your wedding a destination?  Is it possible your sister is worried that there is no way her boyfriend will be able to afford to attend the wedding with her?  That consideration could also help to explain why your sister has a sour attitude toward this wedding.  Will the trip take several days?  To a 20-something, or others for that matter, any separation can seem like an eternity. 
    I didn't plan on having a bridal shower because I can't take anything with me overseas other than my personal belongings. I also did not plan on having a 'honeymoon fund' or any type of 'cash fund'. If my friends and relatives want to contribute to the wedding in some way I would tell them cash is the easiest considering my situation but I'm not going to put any pressure on them about it or include it on invitations. I don't want anyone to feel financially obligated to do anything for me if it's not in their budget. But it doesn't make sense for them to give me physical gifts either because I'm just going to have to pay more money to have it shipped overseas.

    My fiance and I are getting married in Switzerland where he is from and currently living. This would be a destination wedding to me and my friends and relatives but not for him, his friends, or relatives. One of the big reasons we're having it in Switzerland is because his family places a higher importance on family functions than my family does. My family can't seem to get together for holidays, graduations, etc. (which is why attending my cousin's wedding this summer will be a big deal because this will be the first time we've all been together in the last 10 years). We've been so used to hearing excuses from family members as to why they can't attend events, so I'd rather avoid hearing all the excuses from my family and have my wedding in Switzerland where my fiance's family will make it a priority to attend. The only people I truly care about coming from my side are my immediate family (mom, dad, brother, and sister).

    I believe she is probably worried he might not be able to come. I don't have an issue with my sister bringing her boyfriend along if it would make her feel better, but I am not going to pay for his flight, food, hotel, or transportation. My parents graciously gave me a certain amount of money (that will also help pay for their stay in Switzerland) and I don't plan on using that money for plus ones who might not be together in the long run.

    The wedding itself will be like any other wedding where we have the Rehersal Dinner on a Friday and the actually wedding on Saturday, so really just two days, but my parents didn't want to go all that way for just 2 days so they are turning it into a week and half trip so they can catch the sights of Switzerland and meet and visit with his family.

  • You knew what your sister was like when you asked her to be your MOH, and you knew that you two don't have the best history. It sounds to me like you wanted to use your wedding as a way to get closer to your sister. But the thing is, weddings don't change people, and they don't fix relationships between people who don't get along well. Yes, your sister sounds difficult, and yes, it's unfortunate that you can't share this time with her the way you wanted. However, I think it was very naive of you to expect that she'd be nicer just because you're getting married. 

     "Demoting" her would only make things worse; as uninterested as she may be in your wedding, and as much as she may not want to be your MOH, she would probably still be furious if you told her she couldn't be MOH anymore. So I suggest you leave things as they are and stop expecting anything from her. Hopefully she'll show up that day sober and in the appropriate attire, but decide now that if she's whiny or unpleasant that day, your aren't going to let it ruin the wedding for you. She may have ruined other events, but don't give her that power over yours.

    image
    charlotte989875
  • You knew what your sister was like when you asked her to be your MOH, and you knew that you two don't have the best history. It sounds to me like you wanted to use your wedding as a way to get closer to your sister. But the thing is, weddings don't change people, and they don't fix relationships between people who don't get along well. Yes, your sister sounds difficult, and yes, it's unfortunate that you can't share this time with her the way you wanted. However, I think it was very naive of you to expect that she'd be nicer just because you're getting married. 

     "Demoting" her would only make things worse; as uninterested as she may be in your wedding, and as much as she may not want to be your MOH, she would probably still be furious if you told her she couldn't be MOH anymore. So I suggest you leave things as they are and stop expecting anything from her. Hopefully she'll show up that day sober and in the appropriate attire, but decide now that if she's whiny or unpleasant that day, your aren't going to let it ruin the wedding for you. She may have ruined other events, but don't give her that power over yours.

    But is it naive of me to want to spend time with her before I move out of the country for good and maybe only see her a handful of times for the rest of my life? I know she's young and in her eyes the whole world revolves around herself but I know once she get's older and it's her time to get married, she's going to regret not being able to have those moments with me because I know she would have those same expectations.

    I mean I feel like I am making perfect sense. I'm not asking to spend every waking second with her, or all our spare time together. We both have our own lives. I just don't want her to get mad at me in the future (when she get's engaged) if I say I can't do all those things (Bachelorette Party, Dress Fittings, Bridal Shower, etc) because I'll be living out of the country.
  • You knew what your sister was like when you asked her to be your MOH, and you knew that you two don't have the best history. It sounds to me like you wanted to use your wedding as a way to get closer to your sister. But the thing is, weddings don't change people, and they don't fix relationships between people who don't get along well. Yes, your sister sounds difficult, and yes, it's unfortunate that you can't share this time with her the way you wanted. However, I think it was very naive of you to expect that she'd be nicer just because you're getting married. 

     "Demoting" her would only make things worse; as uninterested as she may be in your wedding, and as much as she may not want to be your MOH, she would probably still be furious if you told her she couldn't be MOH anymore. So I suggest you leave things as they are and stop expecting anything from her. Hopefully she'll show up that day sober and in the appropriate attire, but decide now that if she's whiny or unpleasant that day, your aren't going to let it ruin the wedding for you. She may have ruined other events, but don't give her that power over yours.

    But is it naive of me to want to spend time with her before I move out of the country for good and maybe only see her a handful of times for the rest of my life? I know she's young and in her eyes the whole world revolves around herself but I know once she get's older and it's her time to get married, she's going to regret not being able to have those moments with me because I know she would have those same expectations.

    I mean I feel like I am making perfect sense. I'm not asking to spend every waking second with her, or all our spare time together. We both have our own lives. I just don't want her to get mad at me in the future (when she get's engaged) if I say I can't do all those things (Bachelorette Party, Dress Fittings, Bridal Shower, etc) because I'll be living out of the country.
    OP In all of your posts you've stated that your Sister is having problems in her relationship with her boyfriend, she feels that she needs you there for her right now as a sister without one ounce of talk about your nor anyone else's wedding which is probably a compounding issue for her right now because her relationship isn't likely marriage bound if she's got this many challenges going.  Maybe she's feeling like she needs to stay with this guy or she'll never have anyone to love when in reality the relationship may be toxic for her and if there's some codependence in her personality type, needs someone to give her permission to decide to end it if she's miserable and not happy and developing the maturity of knowing when to cut a relationship off.  Your sister is one that wants to GET advice, not GIVE advice like reciprocity.  The fact that she stood up to people and said she doesn't want to go to something that is probably at the center of conflict in her world right now is probably a good thing.  Yes, a lot of it is immaturity on a number of people's parts here, but most of all, stop the wedding talk and be a confidant and sister or suggest it's time for her to visit with a therapist/counselor!
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    MobKaz
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MobKaz said:
    Unfortunately, you have now learned the hard way that more often than not, "He who pays, has the say."  The burden was on you as the adult to not be bullied by your parents.  Had they not pressured you, would you have asked your sister to be in your wedding party?  It sounds to me as if your "beef" is with your parents and your inability to stand up to them.  You claimed you regret asking your sister "based on her personality", but your regret belongs to you for not saying "No" to your parents.  If your sister has even the slightest idea that she was only asked because you were forced, I can certainly understand why she is less than "enthusiastic". 
    It sounds as if you won't have to worry about a shower because cash is not an appropriate shower gift.  While on the subject, please make sure cash gifts are not "registered" for under the guise of a honeyfund or anything like that.  If you truly only want cash gifts, then register for nothing.  Most folks will take the hint and voluntarily gift cash. 
    To what extent is your wedding a destination?  Is it possible your sister is worried that there is no way her boyfriend will be able to afford to attend the wedding with her?  That consideration could also help to explain why your sister has a sour attitude toward this wedding.  Will the trip take several days?  To a 20-something, or others for that matter, any separation can seem like an eternity. 
    I didn't plan on having a bridal shower because I can't take anything with me overseas other than my personal belongings. I also did not plan on having a 'honeymoon fund' or any type of 'cash fund'. If my friends and relatives want to contribute to the wedding in some way I would tell them cash is the easiest considering my situation but I'm not going to put any pressure on them about it or include it on invitations. I don't want anyone to feel financially obligated to do anything for me if it's not in their budget. But it doesn't make sense for them to give me physical gifts either because I'm just going to have to pay more money to have it shipped overseas.

    My fiance and I are getting married in Switzerland where he is from and currently living. This would be a destination wedding to me and my friends and relatives but not for him, his friends, or relatives. One of the big reasons we're having it in Switzerland is because his family places a higher importance on family functions than my family does. My family can't seem to get together for holidays, graduations, etc. (which is why attending my cousin's wedding this summer will be a big deal because this will be the first time we've all been together in the last 10 years). We've been so used to hearing excuses from family members as to why they can't attend events, so I'd rather avoid hearing all the excuses from my family and have my wedding in Switzerland where my fiance's family will make it a priority to attend. The only people I truly care about coming from my side are my immediate family (mom, dad, brother, and sister).

    I believe she is probably worried he might not be able to come. I don't have an issue with my sister bringing her boyfriend along if it would make her feel better, but I am not going to pay for his flight, food, hotel, or transportation. My parents graciously gave me a certain amount of money (that will also help pay for their stay in Switzerland) and I don't plan on using that money for plus ones who might not be together in the long run.

    The wedding itself will be like any other wedding where we have the Rehersal Dinner on a Friday and the actually wedding on Saturday, so really just two days, but my parents didn't want to go all that way for just 2 days so they are turning it into a week and half trip so they can catch the sights of Switzerland and meet and visit with his family.

    He is NOT a plus one.  That is your sister's significant other, and he requires an invitation, regardless of any "issue" you may or may not have with him.  It is not required that you finance any part of his expenses.  I can understand why your sister might be reluctant to spend upwards of 10 days out of the country and away from her BF, particularly if the majority of that trip will revolve around a wedding and your FI's family. 
    You are making a lot of assumptions and projections on how YOU think SHE will feel in the future.  It is naive of you to want to spend time with her before you move out of the country, particularly if you don't currently spend that much time together typically.  You can't force something that isn't there just because of what you think may happen in the future.

    downtondivaMyNameIsNotbanana468levioosa
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:

    1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up. So? None of this has anything to do with being MOH. You don't like your sister. Why did you ask her to be MOH? Because my parents pressured me into it and have reminded me since they are contributing a good portion into my wedding that they have a say so in the wedding planning. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to stand up to your parents. It's not your sister's fault that you didn't. 

    2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year. Expecting someone to set aside their personal life for your party is your first problem. First of all, the point of the trip was to attend my cousin's wedding and be there for him on his special day. Second of all, I didn't expect a bachelorette party or a bridal shower since my bridesmaids are from different states. And third, I didn't have any grand expectations for her to come to the bachelorette party since she's notorious for skipping out on events that aren't about her. My complaint here was that she wouldn't even let us at least let her know that we were having a bachelorette party while we were up there. I don't want to be in a position where she get's mad at me for not telling her about it when she wouldn't even sit down long enough for us to tell her. Please read my original complaint before you respond with accusations that are completely untrue. I italicized exactly where you said she should set aside her problems to focus on you. All this backtracking about not wanting the party, but you're complaining that she won't set aside her problems to focus on you. 

    3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works. You've got to be kidding me. You asked her to move a weekend away to go dress shopping? Who does that? Well, considering that she hadn't even requested the days off work, booked any hotels, and activities, it shouldn't have really been a problem. I suggested spring break since she already had off that week from school and would be easier at work to request off. She said that to be spiteful which is what's upsetting. So now you're judging the way she plans a trip? She told you she has a trip planned and isn't available that day. Her days off work and hotels are her business. 

    4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time. Are you paying her as a wedding planner? This is not her responsibility. I take it you don't have any sisters because that's what girls do, they ask for opinions on things. She constantly asks me for my opinion about things she's concerned about and encourage her with helpful responses and the one time I ask her about something I'm concerned about, she can't find the time to do so. I do have a sister. We have an excellent relationship because we actually care about each other, respect each other, and don't make demands of each other. 

    I'm very aware that she is a selfish person It seems that runs in the family I didn't realize wanting to include my sister in things was considered 'selfish' You don't want to include her. You want her to drop her life to focus on your wedding. but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. People don't change because you are getting married. Not asking her to change, just asking for support, as I stated in my original post. Please make an effort to read. I didn't realize showing someone support was considered 'altering someone's personality'. Isn't that basic etiquette when you're invited to be part of a wedding?  Italicized where you say you thought she would change because you are getting married.  I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me. I can see why. You don't seem to give a crap about her life or her relationship which is clearly quite stressful for her. I wouldn't want to spend time with you either! Please read my bold green statement in #4 and tell me again I don't give a crap about her life or her relationships. You're constantly dismissing her boyfriend and personal life, demeaning her plans, and acting like something is wrong with her. How can you not see that? 

    I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? You can't demote her, because she is not your employee, as much as you want to treat her like one. You can kick her out of your wedding, which is a relationship ending move. Clearly 'demote' was the wrong choice of words to use here. Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?
    Answers in bold. 
    Answers in green.
    Look, it's pretty clear that you aren't really interested in help here. You just want to bash your sister, but you absolutely refuse to have any introspection or consider how your attitude and actions have caused a lot of this. 

    If you're not willing to take a real look at your own actions and take responsibility for them, you're not ever going to have a good relationship with your sister. It's probably best at this point to just leave things alone, try to be as friendly as possible, and try to build a closer relationship some other time. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You've gotten some good advice. I just want to add this - when is the last time you asked your sister what's going on in her life? When did you last communicate with her, and not speak about your wedding? 

  • You knew what your sister was like when you asked her to be your MOH, and you knew that you two don't have the best history. It sounds to me like you wanted to use your wedding as a way to get closer to your sister. But the thing is, weddings don't change people, and they don't fix relationships between people who don't get along well. Yes, your sister sounds difficult, and yes, it's unfortunate that you can't share this time with her the way you wanted. However, I think it was very naive of you to expect that she'd be nicer just because you're getting married. 

     "Demoting" her would only make things worse; as uninterested as she may be in your wedding, and as much as she may not want to be your MOH, she would probably still be furious if you told her she couldn't be MOH anymore. So I suggest you leave things as they are and stop expecting anything from her. Hopefully she'll show up that day sober and in the appropriate attire, but decide now that if she's whiny or unpleasant that day, your aren't going to let it ruin the wedding for you. She may have ruined other events, but don't give her that power over yours.

    But is it naive of me to want to spend time with her before I move out of the country for good and maybe only see her a handful of times for the rest of my life? I know she's young and in her eyes the whole world revolves around herself but I know once she get's older and it's her time to get married, she's going to regret not being able to have those moments with me because I know she would have those same expectations.

    I mean I feel like I am making perfect sense. I'm not asking to spend every waking second with her, or all our spare time together. We both have our own lives. I just don't want her to get mad at me in the future (when she get's engaged) if I say I can't do all those things (Bachelorette Party, Dress Fittings, Bridal Shower, etc) because I'll be living out of the country.
    It’s okay to be disappointed you two aren’t close, and that you’re not doing these things together. I wouldn’t say it’s naive, but based on what you’ve said it sounds like your sister isn’t interested. Maybe she’ll change her mind, maybe she’ll regret it in the future, but you can’t make her see that now. And the more you try and force it the worse it seems to be getting. 

    Let it be, invite her to events but accept her first response. Invite her boyfriend and treat him as well as you’d treat any other guest. 
    MesmrEweshort+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:

    1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up. 

    Being told to "shut up" sucks, especially when you have special news to share, but after being treated like this, why did you expect her to be any different before you asked her to be your MOH? Why did you even ask her after being treated like this? Her being your sister should not have been the deciding factor. A family member's getting married is not going to change anyone for the better who already acts self-absorbed and doesn't show signs of caring about you.


    2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year.

    Wedding truism: No one will be as excited for your wedding as you and your fiance, and a 26-year-old having trouble with her boyfriend will be even less excited. Regardless of how often you get together, and regardless of whether you asked her to pay for or help plan the bachelorette party, she doesn't want to participate. She's not required to.

    3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works.

    Your wedding does not require everyone else in your life to schedule their lives around it. If no other weekend works for your sister, then no other weekend works. And not everyone is into going wedding dress shopping for someone else's wedding.

    4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time.

    Does her opinion really matter to you? If she doesn't like your choices in venues or dresses, or you don't like hers, would you have adjusted your plans to accommodate her opinions?

    I'm very aware that she is a selfish person but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me.

    Are you showing any interest in her aside from wanting to celebrate your wedding and wedding-related events and her opinions regarding your wedding choices? For example, have you been willing to lend her a shoulder to cry on regarding her relationship with her boyfriend? Have you been willing to talk to her about anything at all that isn't related to your wedding? If you haven't, then she isn't the only one showing "selfish tendencies" here.

    I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?

    You don't need to have any attendants at all. Nor do the numbers of your attendants have to be the same as your fiance's. Your wedding will not be ruined if that's the case.

    That said, don't demote your sister because of how she's acting now. Just let her know what you would like from her and let her figure things out from there. She doesn't need to go dress or venue shopping with you; she doesn't need to attend any bachelorette parties with you, she doesn't need to "show interest." Back off from your sister and plan the wedding that works for you, regardless of your sister's participation or lack thereof. If she shows up with an attitude at your wedding, or doesn't show up, that's on her, not you.

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