Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Moms and Maids
Knottie1470418717
member
Not sure how to demote a MOH...
First off, I just want to start by saying that I've had a rocky history with my sister who I've also asked to be my Maid of Honor. I am 26 and newly engaged and she is 20. We are at completely different stages in our lives but I'm regretting asking her to be my MoH based on her personality. Some instances are as follows:
1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up.
2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year.
3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works.
4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time.
I'm very aware that she is a selfish person but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me.
I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?
1.) She was the first person I called after I got engaged to tell her the good news and she responded to me by saying "Okay shut up, I need to talk to you about my boyfriend". This was said to me right after I let her know I was engaged. She didn't congratulate me and she didn't ask how it happened or even said she was happy for me. I barely got the words out of my mouth "I'm engaged" before she told me to shut up.
2.) I will be attending my cousins wedding in July and my family decided it would be fun to have a short 3 day family reunion since we will already we together. My mom asked me if we could throw me a bridal shower while we were up there. I politely declined because I'm in a unique situation and not really in a position to receive gifts, unless it's money. (My fiance lives in Switzerland and we decided to live there once we are married. I can really only afford to bring what I need like clothes, keepsakes, etc. So having to pay to move gifts from America to Switzerland is completely out of the budget, not to mention any appliance gifted to me wouldn't work on a Swiss outlet anyways). I suggested that we have a little bachelorette party instead since it's easier for everyone to do something activity based. My family agreed and they plan on us just doing Horseback Riding/White Water rafting and then dinner afterwards. The issue here is that my sister(MoH) seems to be dealing with boyfriend issues and can't sit down long enough for us to let her know that the family will be planning a bachelorette party and if she plans on going. Mind you, I didn't ask her to plan the event. My mom agreed to pay her way for the activity and the dinner so all she has to do is show up, but she screams at us and tells us 'no' every time it gets brought up. I personally believe she doesn't want to go because she has trust issues with her boyfriend, but it hurts me that she can't set aside her feelings with her boyfriend for one evening and enjoy the time we are spending together since we only get together with my family once a year.
3.) Another instance was that I had set up a few appointments at some bridal boutiques to try on dresses. My mom had agreed to come along and I would've liked for my sister to come along as well however when I asked her if she could come dress shopping with me she said that she is busy and will be taking a long weekend away with her boyfriend that weekend. I looked at her and asked if she could please reschedule for her event for another weekend (Spring Break for instance since she has a week off for school) and she got mad at me and abruptly told me that no other weekend works.
4.) I've asked her once to sit down with me to give me an opinion on some venues and wedding dresses and she would get mad at me and tell me she doesn't have the time.
I'm very aware that she is a selfish person but she is notorious for ruining people's important events (Birthdays, Graduations, Vacations) if something doesn't go her way or if the attention is not on her. I THOUGHT that since I'm getting married, she would set aside her selfish tendencies just to show me a little support but she can't seem to do that. I'm not asking her to plan anything for me, all I've asked her was for an opinion or to be supportive and she can't seem to find the time to even give me that. I also would've thought that since I will be moving out of the country and will probably only see my family once every few years, that she would want to spend some time with me, but she is showing zero interest in wanting to even spend anytime with me.
I'm not sure if you all think this is worth 'demoting' her to bridesmaid, but ultimately I want this day to be about me and my fiance and I don't want any stress from her period. Is it better to demote her? Would it be easier if I just didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor? If I choose not to have any bridesmaids/maid of honor, how can we incorporate my fiance's groomsmen and best man into the wedding?
Re: Not sure how to demote a MOH...
If it's truly better to have it be just about my fiance and I since this is a DW, how can I gently break it to her that I don't want any undue stress on that day and decided against have a maid of honor or bridesmaid?
All your sister needs to do is show up to your ceremony on time in the attire you both mutually agreed to. Sure, lots of bridal party members do more however you can't require them of your sister. To address your itemized concerns:
1) She's selfish (by your comments) and 6 years younger than you. If you announced an engagement her response is probably coming from someone a stance of jealousy. Smile, engage her and move on.
2) Stop asking her to be excited for that event. It's a wedding AND another wedding related event for your sister. If she's feeling like everyone around her is in a happy committed relationship and she's not, the reaction you're going to get from a 20 year old is probably not going to be great. That isn't to say that she's acting appropriately. It means that her reactions are not unexpected. You're going to have to roll with it.
3) I want your to ask yourself this honest question. Based on how your sister has been acting, why do you want her at a bridal salon while you try on dresses? What good feedback is she going to offer based on what you said thus far? Why not go and have a very quiet appointment with your mother only? It reduces the anxiety that she may bring to the event, keeps it quiet with your mom only and may make the appointment run smoother.
4) Look at the venue ideas with your FI. Look at the attire with someone else who is interested.
PLEASE do not ask anyone to do something related to any major event in your life and assume that because it's an a major event for you that someone is going to become a truly different person for that event - ESPECIALLY if the person is flaky, selfish or prone to angry outbursts. That kind of notion is great for a Hallmark movie but the reality is that people who are prone to angry outbursts usually only have MORE of them when you add in a stressful situation that is somewhat close to them.
That means that your sister is still your MOH because you asked her. You can't go back. Doing anything to undo it will only serve to make you the evil bridezilla.
Instead - talk to her. Ask her if there is anything she wants to do. Ask her how involved she'd prefer to be. Let her take the control of the things that she may want to do and if she does not want to do something then she doesn't need to. And keep talking to her about her. Smile, be gracious and then when the wedding is over if she makes a scene people will say, "Wow the bride was so gracious in the face of the pain in the butt sister," vs. "Wow - look at those two sisters go at it. Bet their mom needed a bubble bath at the end of all of this. Don't you feel sad for her new spouse?"
As for the shower, it's entirely o.k. to do what you're doing as long as it's not the same day as the wedding and planned with the bride knowing what's going on so that you're not being perceived as stealing HER thunder or taking away from.
Bridal blinders basically are the (false) image we've been given for years of "Wedding is the most important day in a girl's life", the bridesmaids that are just as excited to do every single activity together with the bride and the bride's servants essentially and the reality is the only "job" of your MOH is to show up the day of the wedding, relatively sober, wearing the designated attire (selected to be within THEIR budget, and respectful of their attire preferences, NOT yours! and by respectful of their attire preferences think selected based on a picture instead of something that actually is flattering on their body), smile for some pictures, have dinner, and that's it!
Instead, adjust your expectations with your sister. As @banana468 mentioned, being a MOH is a ceremonial role. There is nothing else she needs to do, except show up for the wedding. Relatively sober and in the appropriate attire. Don't expect her to be happy/excited at your wedding either. If she is, bonus! If she isn't, focus on the people who are. You cannot control her behavior but, at least to a large extent, you can control your reactions to it. She can't ruin your wedding, if you don't give her the power to. If she wants to spend the reception sitting in a corner and sulking or whatever, then let her go sulk and don't give it another moment's thought.
I completely understand why you are hurt and disappointed. Your sister sounds immature, selfish, and like an attitude queen. But it also sounds like she's in a rough place in her own relationship. She might be happy for you, but all the wedding planning going on around her might also be making it tougher to handle her own relationship woes.
My further advice:
2) She's been invited to the cousin wedding/family reunion. She doesn't want to go. To the point of screaming. Probably because nobody accepted that she's already said "no", multiple times. As disappointing as that is for you/mom/rest of the family...let it go. She knows she can change her mind and hopefully she will, as the event gets closer. But it's just going to be frustrating for everyone if you all try to force her.
3) and 4) She doesn't want to go dress shopping with you. She doesn't want to talk about and give her opinion about anything wedding related. Accept that and stop asking her for one. You'll both be happier. Again, it would be nice if she could show at least some support and enthusiasm. Even if wedding/party planning isn't her thing. But that isn't who she is. So, every time you ask for her opinion. You're annoying her, but also setting yourself up to have your feelings hurt by her.
My fiance and I are getting married in Switzerland where he is from and currently living. This would be a destination wedding to me and my friends and relatives but not for him, his friends, or relatives. One of the big reasons we're having it in Switzerland is because his family places a higher importance on family functions than my family does. My family can't seem to get together for holidays, graduations, etc. (which is why attending my cousin's wedding this summer will be a big deal because this will be the first time we've all been together in the last 10 years). We've been so used to hearing excuses from family members as to why they can't attend events, so I'd rather avoid hearing all the excuses from my family and have my wedding in Switzerland where my fiance's family will make it a priority to attend. The only people I truly care about coming from my side are my immediate family (mom, dad, brother, and sister).
I believe she is probably worried he might not be able to come. I don't have an issue with my sister bringing her boyfriend along if it would make her feel better, but I am not going to pay for his flight, food, hotel, or transportation. My parents graciously gave me a certain amount of money (that will also help pay for their stay in Switzerland) and I don't plan on using that money for plus ones who might not be together in the long run.
The wedding itself will be like any other wedding where we have the Rehersal Dinner on a Friday and the actually wedding on Saturday, so really just two days, but my parents didn't want to go all that way for just 2 days so they are turning it into a week and half trip so they can catch the sights of Switzerland and meet and visit with his family.
"Demoting" her would only make things worse; as uninterested as she may be in your wedding, and as much as she may not want to be your MOH, she would probably still be furious if you told her she couldn't be MOH anymore. So I suggest you leave things as they are and stop expecting anything from her. Hopefully she'll show up that day sober and in the appropriate attire, but decide now that if she's whiny or unpleasant that day, your aren't going to let it ruin the wedding for you. She may have ruined other events, but don't give her that power over yours.
I mean I feel like I am making perfect sense. I'm not asking to spend every waking second with her, or all our spare time together. We both have our own lives. I just don't want her to get mad at me in the future (when she get's engaged) if I say I can't do all those things (Bachelorette Party, Dress Fittings, Bridal Shower, etc) because I'll be living out of the country.
If you're not willing to take a real look at your own actions and take responsibility for them, you're not ever going to have a good relationship with your sister. It's probably best at this point to just leave things alone, try to be as friendly as possible, and try to build a closer relationship some other time.
As far wanting to spend time with your sister you absolutely should. But why on EARTH would you recommend the emotionally charged events where you're the center of attention and possibly too occupied to have a long conversation to be those times when you'll get to spend that time together? Trying on dresses and pre-wedding events are not the time to hang out with your sister before you move out of the country ESPECIALLY if these are going to be times that she's feeling like her own relationship s rocky. Go out for breakfast, sit on the couch and watch a movie with chocolate or go shopping together for non-wedding stuff. Leave your wedding out of it. Your sister may want to talk to HER sister that she's had for two decades and not "sister who is planning a wedding first and penciling in the baby sister second."