Advice on how to tie together two ceremonies

knottief949bb3d8fa638df · February 2020

Hi!

I've never done a discussion board before! But I need some advice/help on a wedding matter.
My parents are extremely religious and wanted me and my fiance to be married in a church. After a long time debating on
whether to do this, my fiance and I decided to please my parents and get married in both a church, and at the venue we loved.
We are doing the church ceremony on a Thursday, it will be very very small and then getting (as we see it, 'real' married) that Saturday.

We are looking for ways to tie the two ceremonies together so that on Saturday we can really feel like we are getting married, and my parents also view it as such too.. I had offered the option up of not kissing at the church, and finally kissing at the end of the Saturday ceremony.. but I was hoping if anyone had any ideas along that line?

I don't know if anyone has had similar circumstances and I would love some input on what you've done to tie together two ceremonies. I have shown my fiance my church dress and we both are not religious, but I worry that we will lose some of the special moments and would love to be able to do something Saturday to finalize both ceremonies in unity. There's also no way we could do the church ceremony at a later date unfortunately. It would have to be before the Saturday wedding.

Sorry for rambling, please give any advice you can think of!
And thank you for your time!

Em

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2020

Please don't do this. You will not be getting married on Saturday if you get married on Thursday. You only get married one time (unless you of course divorce and remarry). You need to choose which is more important to you as a couple - pleasing your family or having your dream location. Guests often side-eye couples doing this (it is called a pretty princess day PPD by the way). Both of my older kids attended or were invited to such a wedding. Neither was very happy about it. One chose not to attend, the other was in the bridal party for the PPD and didn't find out about the real ceremony that was held the night before until the day of the PPD. He is still annoyed that he spent money on being in the wedding party, traveling 10 hours to attend a fake ceremony. Also, if you insist on doing this make sure your guests know they aren't actually attending your wedding - my kid who didn't attend the ceremony they were invited to knew ahead of time that it wasn't really a wedding.

maine7mob · February 2020

Do not get married in a church if you do not have religious beliefs. Your parents are really saying that they want your marriage to be recognized by God, and are hoping that you share their faith. You need to be honest with them and have the ceremony you want, in the venue you choose. Don't stand up there and lie at the altar, and then lie to your guests two days later. Your marriage will be every bit as legal even if you have it somewhere other than a church. Your parents will have to understand.

banana468 · February 2020

Unfortunately you can't actually do this. One of these events will be your wedding and the other won't.

I completely understand the idea of wanting to please your parents however if this isn't pleasing YOU then why would you do this? I'm not sure of the faith of your parents (and you?) but in many, part of the vows is that you vow to continue to be in the faith, to welcome children in the faith, and to be active in that faith. If you are doing that ceremony to please your parents only and have no intentions of continuing to practice the faith then why do it? I'd argue that it's actually disingenuous to your parents and leads them on.

Instead I think you should think long and hard about this. Determine if you and your FI are going to practice that faith and live it. And if you have no intentions of living that life then break it to your parents that you're going to get married outside of the faith at the venue you love.

And if you determine that you DO want to live and practice that faith, get married in it on Saturday and lose the venue you love. The marriage is more about the venue.

MobKaz · February 2020

knottief949bb3d8fa638df said:

Hi!

I've never done a discussion board before! But I need some advice/help on a wedding matter.
My parents are extremely religious and wanted me and my fiance to be married in a church. After a long time debating on
whether to do this, my fiance and I decided to please my parents and get married in both a church, and at the venue we loved.
We are doing the church ceremony on a Thursday, it will be very very small and then getting (as we see it, 'real' married) that Saturday.

We are looking for ways to tie the two ceremonies together so that on Saturday we can really feel like we are getting married, and my parents also view it as such too.. I had offered the option up of not kissing at the church, and finally kissing at the end of the Saturday ceremony.. but I was hoping if anyone had any ideas along that line?

I don't know if anyone has had similar circumstances and I would love some input on what you've done to tie together two ceremonies. I have shown my fiance my church dress and we both are not religious, but I worry that we will lose some of the special moments and would love to be able to do something Saturday to finalize both ceremonies in unity. There's also no way we could do the church ceremony at a later date unfortunately. It would have to be before the Saturday wedding.

Sorry for rambling, please give any advice you can think of!
And thank you for your time!

Em

Are you having a blessing on Thursday, and being legally wed on Saturday? Are you being legally wed on Thursday at church and trying to "relive" the feeling on Saturday?

The bottom line is that you can only be legally wed, with all the "tingles" once. No amount of gimmicks or "unifying" acts or symbolism will make a difference.

I understand the sentiment of your parents. I have one child who married in her faith, and the other in a civil/secular ceremony. They, as adults, chose the wedding that reflected themselves and their beliefs. As much as I would have preferred my son marry in my faith, he had grown away from it. It was no longer his faith. IT WAS NOT MY DECISION TO MAKE. I think the bigger issue is that you and your FI need to marry in the ONE way that reflects who you are, and the life you choose. As others have said, it is actually MORE DISRESPECTFUL to marry in a church with no intention of living that faith.

My suggestion is that you decide on ONE ceremony. Considering neither you or your FI are religious, I suggest you "adult up" and have your ceremony on Saturday. Perhaps the church officiant can offer a toast/blessing at your reception. Depending on the denomination, perhaps this religious officiant can co-celebrate in some way during your ceremony on Saturday. Your wedding is NOT the day to "please your parents". It is the beginning of your new life with your new immediate family, which is your spouse.

downtondiva · February 2020

You can't tie together the two ceremonies because you shouldn't be having two ceremonies. You get married once, and it should be with your guests in attendance; don't make them attend a fake ceremony when you're already married because you're trying to please your parents. While I'm not a big fan of having a religious ceremony if you're not religious, I can't make that decision for you (by the way, I've never heard of a church that can perform a wedding on a Thursday but not on a weekend). But I can tell you that you're trying to have it both ways right now, and that just isn't possible.

climbingsingle · February 2020

There's no such thing as two ceremonies. Your church wedding is your ceremony. You will be married after that, and the event you've planned for your other venue is not a ceremony. Also, you're essentially lying to your guests attending the venue "ceremony", as you'll already be married.

My suggestion is to have your ceremony at the church with all of your guests invited, and your reception immediately after at your venue.

Jen4948 · February 2020

Unfortunately, what you want to do is not possible.

You agreed to have the marriage ceremony at the church, so that will be your "wedding" -- not anything you do afterward. If you tell your guests that that ceremony isn't your "wedding" even though it is, you're not being truthful with them. Your guests should not be asked to attend a ceremony that isn't your "wedding" just because you think that you won't feel "married" at the church ceremony.

I think you and your fiance should give some hard thought to what you really want to do and have a careful discussion with your parents. But you should have only one ceremony and not please your parents with a ceremony at that church and then a re-enactment elsewhere. That is what your second ceremony would be.

Since you don't believe in the church's teachings, marrying in the church really isn't respectful to the congregation regardless of what your parents want. I think you should tell them that marrying there isn't true to your beliefs or vision and marry instead at your other venue. Your parents may be disappointed and refuse to pay for anything, so be ready to pay for anything they won't pay for.

short+sassy · February 2020

OP, you already know what doesn't feel "right" here. I know that in the midst of wedding planning it can sometimes be easy to overlook what the whole day is about in the first place! Marrying the person you love and will be spending the rest of your life with.

In your current plan, that happens on Thursday. That is when the MARRIAGE starts. And no "pretending" or "saving the first kiss" is going to change that. Even in your own hearts (I don't think). Because getting married is getting married. Having a reception, even with a pretend ceremony, is throwing a party.

MesmrEwe · February 2020

Sacramental vs. Legal, the only time what you're wanting to do is really considered socially acceptable is when one is getting married at the Vatican or in a country that doesn't deputize pastors/priests/rabbis/etc. to perform the legal marriage...

One could also say, getting married in a church for the sake of pleasing your parents without any iota of being religious, staying religious, or anything religion also would be a lie especially for example where the Catholic Church one needs to agree that they'll raise children in the faith, etc. The pastor of the denomination that you're hoping to be married in may see through the charade of getting married there only to please your parents and refuse to marry you there anyway.

Thursday is when your wedding is, the rest is a PPD and considered rude...

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