Daughter's behavior issues and being hurtful.

mrsconn23 · March 2020

Dear Prudence,

My daughter was told by “big kids” at school that there’s something called the “N-word,” and she wants to know what it is. My family is white, and the school largely isn’t, and I’m worried that if she is armed with this hurtful word, she will use it. My daughter struggles with a lot of social, emotional, and self-regulation issues and is still being diagnosed. She has a lot of conflicts with another kid at school, who is black. During a recent fight, my daughter said “you are the N-word” to her, despite not knowing what that word is. She spent the day in the office, and we spoke very seriously to her about the history of racism and white supremacy (not our first conversation). The vice principal (who is black) says we should tell her, but I know my daughter—she will use it in anger, possibly spreading its use to other kids and also doing real harm to the black children in her class and school. What can I possibly do?

—Racist Misbehavior

charlotte989875 · March 2020

You need to be clear with her not just about white supremacy but about what she is doing and saying to other children. She knows it’s hurtful but clearly not how bad. It’s on you to teach her this is wrong and you need to do it now.

maine7mob · March 2020

Do not give a word more power by refusing to say it. Tell her in a matter-of-fact tone the word and what it means. Tell her "We do not say n---- (or insert another bad word here,) in this house."

If you hear her saying it, just repeat the above.

OliveOilsMom · March 2020

Ditto Charlotte - There is so much more to that word than white supremacy.

I would not tell my child the word. If she is in the middle of a diagnosis - perhaps this could be brought up to her doctor about how best to handle this and future similar situations.

CharmedPam · March 2020

But it sounds like she’s using it anyway, Whether she knows what it is or not?

ei34 · March 2020

Saying the n word falls into that category of Things You Never Ever Do, like running into the street. Absolutely can't happen. My kids will know that whenever one of them hears it first. If LWs daughter is still in the process of being diagnosed this text should go to her evaluators instead of Prudie. It's a major impulse control issue and at the next IEP/services meeting, I'd push for counseling sessions with a SW or behavioral therapist at minimum, and a 1:1 aide if that didn't work.

VarunaTT · March 2020

I think I might need more information, b/c I want to know how old this child is. From the story, I hear parroting of the big kids, which makes me feel like this is a child that might not be old enough to conceptualize racism on the level that "we don't say the n-word" requires.

If this person is under...IDK 8? it needs to go into the "We don't say these words because they hurt people and we don't want to hurt people" and the punishment for saying the word should be the same as anything else they would say that is hurtful to someone (b/c I know that has to be taught, kids are assholes).

After that age, I know there are resources for talking to younger kids about racism on the level they'd understand. Still bring it back around to "this hurts people" but "this is why this hurts people".

I'm not sure she ever needs to be told what "the n-word" is until later (it's so weird to me not knowing the word at all, I can't remember ever not knowing it, so I guess this is a good generational development). It's not like she's going to magically hear the word and say, "OMG, I really shouldn't say that!!" At least this way, she's not actually running around and using the real word.

short+sassy · March 2020

Actually, what I find really concerning about the letter is I got the impression that the daughter WANTS TO and is TRYING TO hurt people with as much impact as possible, when she gets angry.

If so, at least for this child, that's the real problem to fix. It sounds like she is being seen by a doctor, ie trying to diagnose. I really hope this child is also being seen by a therapist.

levioosa · March 2020

short+sassy said:

Actually, what I find really concerning about the letter is I got the impression that the daughter WANTS TO and is TRYING TO hurt people with as much impact as possible, when she gets angry.

If so, at least for this child, that's the real problem to fix. It sounds like she is being seen by a doctor, ie trying to diagnose. I really hope this child is also being seen by a therapist.

Yeah, that stood out the most to me too. This is a super concerning pattern of behavior. (And it’s not the first time you’ve had a conversation about racism/white supremacy in the context of her using it to hurt people? Jfc). I hope this kid is in therapy.

Daughter's behavior issues and being hurtful.

Re: Daughter's behavior issues and being hurtful.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards