PART ONE
As you all are aware, my MIL is fvkcing bananas and quite possibly the biggest attention whore on the East Coast. My SIL had a destination wedding in 2004 and MIL planned the entire damn thing. And really, it was a DIY, Clip Art, lavendar and Precious Moments nightmare. So. Not. My. Style. But whatever, it's not like I was invited anyway. (A-whole-nother story there)
When it came time to plan our wedding, MIL had this idea in her head that I hatched out of an egg the day DH proposed, and I had no family of my own. She constantly tried to horn in on the planning. And not in a "How can I help?" kind of way, but a "back up and let me do this 'cause you are not nearly as classy as I am" way. Thankfully DH shot down her efforts at fvkery with great vigor, and I ignored her calls and email suggestions on sht like liturgical dancers and flower girl dresses (we had no flower girl). Well, this frustrated her to no end. No one was paying any attention to her and it made her grind her teeth into powder.
Our wedding was in September '05. By June '05, MIL had had enough of my thwarting her planning her son's wedding. Clearly I was an unappreciative little wench that had no idea of the depth of style she possessed. She decided that she would plan her own shin dig to get some of that spotlight back where it belongs. Imagine our surprise when, about halfway through June, we got a printed invitation to MIL&FIL's 34th anniversary party and vow renewal, being held at the ILs house about a month before our wedding. And I mean, a real invitation, with Glamour Shot of MIL & FIL on the front and information on what charity to donate to in lieu of gifts.
Even still, I didn't realize the depth of ridiculousness until she started calling to get us to help out.
One of DH's uncles owns a goat farm way out in southern MD. MIL & FIL live way up in northern MD. Now, MD ain't the biggest state in the world, but it's a btch to drive from one end to the other. MIL wanted DH to do the following the Friday before the rewedding:
-drive from work (in DC) to the farm to pick up a freshly killed goat. (Jamaicans eat a lot of goat. It's good. But this was some weird 'killing the fatted calf" type sht. Plus, at the time, DH was driving a Dodge Intrepid. Goats are not small)
- drive back to DC to pick up Father Tom (not his real name), a family friend that was going to perform the vow renewal at the house
- Take goat and Father Tom up to the ILs, stopping along the way to get beer, wine and sodas for the party
- drop off goat and Father, take MIL to caterers to finalize the rest of the food
- take MIL back to the house, then drive back home (we live just outside of DC)
Needless to say, DH hit the roof. There was no goat at this mass, and Father Tom took the Metro.
PART TWO
MIL asked us to be there around 10 am the day of the thing. We got there and damn if they weren't still in PJs. SIL & her new husband showed up like, "Hey guys! Come help us with the tents!"
*record scratch*
Tents! WTF tents?! My ILs house is smaller than ours, yet there we were strapping tents to the fence posts. There wasn't a piece of yard not covered by the tent. Then I had to set up the tables, complete with table clothes, place settings and centerpieces. There were banners, ballons that said "Happy Anniversary!" and a giant 3 and 4 balloon. 'Cause, you know, they don't make balloons for a thirty-the-hell-fourth anniversary. It was absolutely (fvkc it) retarded.
MIL left to pick up the catered food, screeching the whole time to DH about how unhelpful he was and how it would be his fault if this didn't go right. He cracked open a beer right in her face and said, "And why should I care?" Yes, he was drinking a beer at 11 am. It was necessary.
FIL came downstairs most befuddled. To this day I don't think he really knew WTF his wife had in mind. All he knew was some people were coming over and there was a tent in his back yard. He had on some shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Woe was he when MIL came home and harpied him into a suit. He was confused as hell.
She slapped down the food in front of me and barked, "Set this up!" I blinked at her. She ran upstairs and changed. The broad had on a white floor length sleeveless dress with flowers in her hair and white sandals. FIL looked like he wanted to laugh when he saw her, but he was wise enough to STFU when she looked in his direction.
Now, I was petty and also wore white, but it was a sundress. And I had a white flower in my hair. Because fvkc her, I knew exactly what she was trying to do. Thunderjacking heifer. DH & I were so onto her.
Some people started showing up, so MIL decided it was time to get it going. She rushed Father Tom into his full priestly vestments and got him her best crystal goblet for the Eucharist. I'm so not kidding here. We had mass in the living room. I'm pretty sure Father Tom is a hack, 'cause I've never heard of mass being said anywhere outside of the church, but what did I know? I wasn't having a church wedding anyway, as MIL so often reminded me. SIL and a cousin did the readings, there was a choir director (no choir) and there was communion. DH & I chose not to partake in that. I may not believe in Catholicism anymore but I don't go messing with their rules either.
LA FINALE
After High Holy Living Room, we adjourned to the kitchen. MIL tried to station me behind the chafing dishes to serve food, but I conveniently had to go to the bathroom just then. After that I wandered just out of her sight so's not to be put to work. DH hid in the basement for a while, but soon enough people were there paying attention to MIL, so she left us relatively alone.
By now it's about 1 pm and everyone (about 50 people, all dressed for a picnic) filed out back and took their seats. MIL was unhappy at everyone's casual dress, but WTF did she expect? The sht was just bootleg; chairs sinking into the grass, mad bugs and sht, and the tent was like the 9th circle of Hell by then. MIL & FIL had their own table under a separate smaller tent with a fan. I noticed this random guy wandering around and I asked DH who he was. He didn't know, so he asked SIL and she didn't know. We were scratching our heads when the dude whipped out a profesional grade camera and began taking photos of everybody.
MIL had hired a gaadamn photographer to capture this event. We roared with laughter.
She had a cake cutting, first dance, everything. Our eyes were just wide the whole time. The thing went on for hours and hours. Finally DH stood up and said, "Ok, I've had enough" and we left.
A FEW MORE TIDBITS
- Apparently MIL held SIL & BIL's top layer of wedding cake hostage. MIL broke it out at the Goat Mass and berated them into cutting it then and there, even though their anniversary was 3 months before.
- A lot of people showed up thinking it was supposed to be a picnic for us! They didn't tell her, though, once it was established that she was bonkers.
- Considering the spread she'd put out for 34th anniversary, everyone waited with bated breath for the 35th. What level of shenanigans would she come up with? The day came and went and not a peep was heard.
And now: why I wasn't invited to SILs wedding
SIL had a pretty tight circle of friends. When she got engaged, it was kind of assumed that they'd be her BMs. But when it came time to ask, she asked some of her cousins, who are MUCH younger than she is, and oddly enough, me.
While I never begrudge a bride her WP of choice, SIL picked us because "I have to look at these pictures for the rest of my life". That's right; her friends simply weren't pretty enough. I'm positive MIL had more than a little to do with that. I'm not making this up; SIL told me this to my face. I guess I was supposed to be flattered, but I was disgusted.
I told her thanks, but no thanks. Thus, I wasn't invited at all. I was not as upset about this as you may think. DH went and he had a horrible time. He was basically the day of coordinator, but no one told him this until the day of the wedding. Ha! Poor DH. Though he loves planning, he doesn't like to be unprepared. He's miffed about it to this day.