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Moms and Maids
knottie0856e6f76959dde2
member
Bridesmaid not participating
I am having a very small wedding this Fall. I have 4 bridesmaids, and none of us live in the same state anymore. Because it's hard for everyone to travel and because of coronavirus, I am having very few pre-wedding events. They were all invited to only 3 events, none of which they had to plan. The first was wedding dress shopping which I flew to my hometown for since that was an easier location for everyone to travel to (besides me) since they all lived within an hour drive. All but one girl was able to make it to at least one boutique with me. Originally, my sister was planning my bachelorette in Atlanta where we're from and where most people live at least relatively close. Then because of all the coronavirus stuff happening, that event had to be cancelled. Even though it's unorthodox, I decided I would just plan my own bachelorette party in my current and wedding location and I asked the girls to come in one day early to celebrate with me if they could. It was just going to be a chill night out in the city. Again, all of my bridesmaids except the same one from before can make it. Finally, there's a sleepover in the hotel's luxury suite that I booked for everyone the night before the wedding. They are all in town for sure, so everyone should be able to attend, right? No, again the same girl says she can't make it because her husband doesn't want to be left alone in their hotel room for a night. The reason she can't get here a day early is because her husband works and can only take the one day off, and he also doesn't want to fly up here by himself on Friday. She says she can't choose her friend over her husband, which I would understand, except his request to not be left alone seems unreasonable to me. My question is am I the bad guy? Is this reasonable, or should I even let her be a bridesmaid? At this point all she will do is stand next to me on the day of, without participating at all. I haven't asked any of my bridesmaids for any effort at all except attendance, and it really hurts my feelings that she's doing this.
Edit: Thanks for everyones advice. I will get over myself.
Edit: Thanks for everyones advice. I will get over myself.
Re: Bridesmaid not participating
A bridesmaid's responsibility is to stand up with you on the wedding day, hold flowers and smile for photos. It is not their responsibility to go to events, spend the night with you, or any of the rest of it. All the other things are optional.
Expecting people to travel to shop for dresses is unreasonable. You should apologize to the three who did travel for being so demanding. It's more shocking that three would go along with it versus one declining.
Throwing your own b-party is quite rude. Expecting people to travel for it is also quite demanding and rude. That's a party that should be thrown for you if someone wanted to and offered. Attendance at any party is optional on the part of the guests.
Offering up a hotel space the night before the wedding is kind to the people who need to travel, but expecting everyone to stay there rather than with their partners is overstepping and demanding. It should be completely optional for everyone.
Overall, nothing is mandatory for a BM except standing with you for your ceremony, dressed in the agreed upon attire. It's ok to be disappointed that your friend could not be at your events, but that's very different than being mad at her for not attending. She's not doing anythign wrong.
I can understand the desire to spend the night with your friends the night before the wedding. That said, I think you can also understand that she's going to put her husband first and what's really missed while you guys are unconscious? She gets time with her husband and she'll see you the next day.
I really and truly think that you should look at what is going on at a national level. I'd argue my points above if we weren't in the middle of a health and financial crisis however now that we are in one as a nation, your gripes are really out of touch.
But I saw some red flags when I read your post. Your friend's husband sounds a bit controlling. It could be just the way you worded things, but it sounds as if he doesn't want her out of his sight. Are you concerned for her at all?
For flying, I don't know where they fly from or to but flying poses a logistical mess for me if my husband and I took separate flights. We live in a tiny state but the nearest airport is a minimum drive of 1 hour and it's upwards of at least 2 in a car if we're going to fly out of Boston or NY. That means each of us driving to the airport separately, paying to park two cars and for us, the logistics of kid care coordination. Flying together means one car, one parking fee and even the possibility of bag consolidation. If this is a difference of flying separately on Thursday or together on a Friday I'm going to take together on a Friday. Aside from any feelings on the matter, the cost adds up to an additional $20+ in gas plus an additional $30 at least in parking. That's at least an additional $50 increase in cost without factoring any of the other logistical problems and while some people are not as impacted financially right now plenty of people are and plenty of people also just don't want to spend an additional $50 that they have because it's simply not prudent. None of that means that the H is controlling.