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Bridesmaid not participating

knottie0856e6f76959dde2knottie0856e6f76959dde2 member
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edited June 2020 in Moms and Maids
I am having a very small wedding this Fall. I have 4 bridesmaids, and none of us live in the same state anymore. Because it's hard for everyone to travel and because of coronavirus, I am having very few pre-wedding events. They were all invited to only 3 events, none of which they had to plan. The first was wedding dress shopping which I flew to my hometown for since that was an easier location for everyone to travel to (besides me) since they all lived within an hour drive. All but one girl was able to make it to at least one boutique with me. Originally, my sister was planning my bachelorette in Atlanta where we're from and where most people live at least relatively close. Then because of all the coronavirus stuff happening, that event had to be cancelled. Even though it's unorthodox, I decided I would just plan my own bachelorette party in my current and wedding location and I asked the girls to come in one day early to celebrate with me if they could. It was just going to be a chill night out in the city. Again, all of my bridesmaids except the same one from before can make it. Finally, there's a sleepover in the hotel's luxury suite that I booked for everyone the night before the wedding. They are all in town for sure, so everyone should be able to attend, right? No, again the same girl says she can't make it because her husband doesn't want to be left alone in their hotel room for a night. The reason she can't get here a day early is because her husband works and can only take the one day off, and he also doesn't want to fly up here by himself on Friday. She says she can't choose her friend over her husband, which I would understand, except his request to not be left alone seems unreasonable to me. My question is am I the bad guy? Is this reasonable, or should I even let her be a bridesmaid? At this point all she will do is stand next to me on the day of, without participating at all. I haven't asked any of my bridesmaids for any effort at all except attendance, and it really hurts my feelings that she's doing this.
Edit: Thanks for everyones advice. I will get over myself.
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Re: Bridesmaid not participating

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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    I wouldn't attend any of these events either.  Dress shopping with others makes me very uncomfortable in general (do you want my real opinion?  do you want me to love everything you love?)  especially if I had to travel, this is just horrible to me no matter how much I love you.  Same for traveling for a bach party.  I know it's all the rage at the moment, but it's not what I want to spend my money and vacation time on - no matter how much I love you.  Especially one that you planned yourself.  No way in hell would i attend a sleepover the night before a wedding I'm involved in.  It would be nice of you to OFFER but unreasonable to expect them to do this with you.  

    Overall, nothing is mandatory for a BM except standing with you for your ceremony, dressed in the agreed upon attire.  It's ok to be disappointed that your friend could not be at your events, but that's very different than being mad at her for not attending.  She's not doing anythign wrong. 
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    knottie0856e6f76959dde2knottie0856e6f76959dde2 member
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    edited June 2020
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Honestly, I wouldn't travel either.   And I think you need to know that there's a lot of issues with the state of Georgia right now being a major hotspot and the spread of that virus.   Please understand that most people are not going to leave their bubble especially not for friends vs. family.   Friends are important however you can be a friend and still offer support from a distance.   What you're planning involves the potential for community spread with your bachelorette and I can't blame her for not wanting to go.   It means she may be bringing something home with her.

    I can understand the desire to spend the night with your friends the night before the wedding.   That said, I think you can also understand that she's going to put her husband first and what's really missed while you guys are unconscious?  She gets time with her husband and she'll see you the next day.

    I really and truly think that you should look at what is going on at a national level.   I'd argue my points above if we weren't in the middle of a health and financial crisis however now that we are in one as a nation,  your gripes are really out of touch. 
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    If your bridesmaid shows up for you on your wedding day, she will have done her "job." I know it's exciting to get married and having extra events makes it more fun, but people are fearful of traveling unnecessarily right now (for good reason).

    But I saw some red flags when I read your post. Your friend's husband sounds a bit controlling. It could be just the way you worded things, but it sounds as if he doesn't want her out of his sight. Are you concerned for her at all?
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    banana468banana468 member
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    maine7mob said:
    If your bridesmaid shows up for you on your wedding day, she will have done her "job." I know it's exciting to get married and having extra events makes it more fun, but people are fearful of traveling unnecessarily right now (for good reason).

    But I saw some red flags when I read your post. Your friend's husband sounds a bit controlling. It could be just the way you worded things, but it sounds as if he doesn't want her out of his sight. Are you concerned for her at all?
    @maine7mob I think that's a bit of an over-step.   It's not unheard of to say to a spouse, "I don't want to spend all this $ to travel for that friend's wedding to have you leave me alone from the time dinner's over until after the ceremony.   Because think about it - if the bridesmaid sleeps over then she's most likely with the bride from the time that the RD is over and then all morning for the pre wedding prep,  and then she's up on the altar or close to it for the ceremony.   Depending on what's arranged for post-wedding events it may not even be until the reception.   That could add up to nearly a day.    

    For flying, I don't know where they fly from or to but flying poses a logistical mess for me if my husband and I took separate flights.   We live in a tiny state but the nearest airport is a minimum drive of 1 hour and it's upwards of at least 2 in a car if we're going to fly out of Boston or NY.  That means each of us driving to the airport separately, paying to park two cars and for us, the logistics of kid care coordination.   Flying together means one car, one parking fee and even the possibility of bag consolidation.   If this is a difference of flying separately on Thursday or together on a Friday I'm going to take together on a Friday.   Aside from any feelings on the matter, the cost adds up to an additional $20+ in gas plus an additional $30 at least in parking.   That's at least an additional $50 increase in cost without factoring any of the other logistical problems and while some people are not as impacted financially right now plenty of people are and plenty of people also just don't want to spend an additional $50 that they have because it's simply not prudent.   None of that means that the H is controlling.  
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    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    maine7mob said:
    If your bridesmaid shows up for you on your wedding day, she will have done her "job." I know it's exciting to get married and having extra events makes it more fun, but people are fearful of traveling unnecessarily right now (for good reason).

    But I saw some red flags when I read your post. Your friend's husband sounds a bit controlling. It could be just the way you worded things, but it sounds as if he doesn't want her out of his sight. Are you concerned for her at all?
    What? This sounds so far off. I wouldn’t want to spend the night alone either after taking precious time off work and spending my time and money to travel for one day. I don’t think the husband is being unreasonable at all. 

    Other PPs have it covered. You’re being unreasonable, OP. Your BMs only “job” is to stand up next to in the correct attire on the day of the wedding. You would be demanding a lot of them even if there wasn’t a pandemic going on. But there is a pandemic, people are sick and scared and financially strained or trying to prepare for the very real possibility of becoming financially strained. You need to chill. Because not to be cruel, but there are more important things going on in life besides your bachelorette party and wedding. Your BMs are already doing all that is required of them. It’s nice to offer up a room, but you can’t demand people spend the night there. 


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