Bridesmaid Hair and Makeup Issue

Re: Bridesmaid Hair and Makeup Issue

• flantastic member

  

  July 2020

  klh504 said:

  Hi All,
  I am covering hair and makeup for my bridal party and I let everyone know about a year ago that the services were booked and everyone was in agreement. I have sent about two reminders since then. I sent a text message out to everyone with the tentative schedule for the morning of so they can plan their travel. One of my bridesmaids texts me that she would prefer to do her own hair and makeup. She had agreed to having it done professionally in the past. I have a really strict contract with my stylist and I will need to pay for her services either way, I cannot transfer them to a different service. She said she would still get ready with everyone so it is not a fear of being in proximity to others. I did express I would have to pay either way, and she asked if I could get the services transferred to someone else. I cannot as the whole bridal party plus my mother are booked. Any advice on how to handle this? I am hurt because it is costly and was meant to be part of their gift and I also feel she doesn't want to take part. I am at a loss on what I should do or how I should handle the situation.
  
  

  It's her body. If she doesn't want to have someone else do her hair or makeup, she doesn't want to. My sister has difficult hair to work with and has never had a good experience with a one-off hairstylist appointment, so that could be one reason, but really, she's allowed to decide not to have someone mess with her hair and face. Let it go.
  
  You don't have to get her a separate gift just because she's not going to use this one. It's great that you are covering the cost. It's great that you'll get to hang out with her that morning. Apart from feeling the psychological effects of the sunk costs fallacy... why is this a big deal?

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• klh504 member

  

  July 2020

  I asked them multiple times if they were okay with it and they all said yes and she had thanked me previously. I just find it hurtful that I asked them all and she had not voiced the concern. It took me hugely by surprise, I have been really understanding with her. She is wearing a different dress than everyone else because she was not comfortable and I had asked if anyone was uncomfortable getting their hair and makeup done and she had only said thank you for making the appointment and that she was looking forward to the day. I get she can change her mind it is just disappointing because I was trying to do something for them and I wish she had expressed it sooner.

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• flantastic member

  

  July 2020

  klh504 said:

  I asked them multiple times if they were okay with it and they all said yes and she had thanked me previously. I just find it hurtful that I asked them all and she had not voiced the concern. It took me hugely by surprise, I have been really understanding with her. She is wearing a different dress than everyone else because she was not comfortable and I had asked if anyone was uncomfortable getting their hair and makeup done and she had only said thank you for making the appointment and that she was looking forward to the day. I get she can change her mind it is just disappointing because I was trying to do something for them and I wish she had expressed it sooner.

  Maybe she changed her mind because there's a pandemic, and there's a lot greater chance you're going to catch a disease from someone touching your head and face than from hanging out near them?

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• klh504 member

  

  July 2020

  I feel like you are being judgmental on me, I really do not want them to feel uncomfortable at all, she will be in close proximity with everyone, and she did not express this to me. Point taken, I guess I am being unreasonable, I just was taken by surprise by it.

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• flantastic member

  

  July 2020

  klh504 said:

  I feel like you are being judgmental on me, I really do not want them to feel uncomfortable at all, she will be in close proximity with everyone, and she did not express this to me. Point taken, I guess I am being unreasonable, I just was taken by surprise by it.

  I just don't understand why you would choose to make an issue of it. Even if she told you she changed her mind six months ago, what would that have done for you? You'd still be locked in this contract, yes? It'd just be more time you had to try to get her to change her mind back?
  
  You asked a year ago. Even if she received a reminder during said pandemic (not sure when your first reminder was) and not said anything to you about changing her mind then, that's really not all that surprising. The disease transmission implications of all the plans for "wedding getting ready time" were probably not at the top of her mind - she was planning to be there and so she said as much. Then when she thought through it more, she doesn't want someone doing her hair and makeup. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
  
  You sound like you feel like you've been bending over backwards for her, when really, no one should have to be in a dress they're uncomfortable with. It's good that you're cool with her wearing a different dress, but that's more basic decency than overwhelming grace on your part.
  
  I'm not judging you - everyone has blinders occasionally, especially about events that are important to them. You've done a good thing looking for objective feedback - just don't get defensive when it's given. My tone is more neutral than you're reading it. Enjoy your wedding and your time with your bridesmaids.

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• klh504 member

  

  July 2020

  I get what you're saying, I think my issue is I feel like she is dishonest to avoid hurting my feelings or something. She is my brother's long term girlfriend and I asked her to be a bridesmaid because my brother expressed to me how important it is to feel included in our family. I wanted an opportunity to have her be a part of the day and a chance to get to know her better since they live a bit far from us. I think there are just certain things that make me feel like she might not want to be in the wedding party, but I could be overthinking it. And if she does not want to me, again, that is fine, I just want her to be comfortable.
  
  I don't mind if she wears a different dress, they are paying for that and should feel comfortable. For the hair and makeup, she said she was trying to save money, when I said I was paying, she said she said she was just trying to be careful about money. I think it threw me off a bit because her reasoning didn't match up with the situation. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, I think I just felt slighted due to the cost, but you are right, I would have had to pay regardless so it is not worth worrying about.

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• flantastic member

  

  July 2020

  klh504 said:

  I get what you're saying, I think my issue is I feel like she is dishonest to avoid hurting my feelings or something. She is my brother's long term girlfriend and I asked her to be a bridesmaid because my brother expressed to me how important it is to feel included in our family. I wanted an opportunity to have her be a part of the day and a chance to get to know her better since they live a bit far from us. I think there are just certain things that make me feel like she might not want to be in the wedding party, but I could be overthinking it. And if she does not want to me, again, that is fine, I just want her to be comfortable.
  
  I don't mind if she wears a different dress, they are paying for that and should feel comfortable. For the hair and makeup, she said she was trying to save money, when I said I was paying, she said she said she was just trying to be careful about money. I think it threw me off a bit because her reasoning didn't match up with the situation. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, I think I just felt slighted due to the cost, but you are right, I would have had to pay regardless so it is not worth worrying about.

  Hmm. You're right, it doesn't totally add up, but who knows.
  
  As for wanting to get to know her better, I applaud that intention. It's also great that you want her to be included in whatever she wants to be a part of. However, your wedding isn't the most neutral of events, and it might not work that well here. It's hard to get to know more about someone when everyone else is trying to put the focus on you and there's a lot going on. So don't worry about this being the wasted opportunity to bring her closer.
  
  (My brother has a long term girlfriend that I feel like I don't know that well, but the best way for me to show her I care about getting to know her is to try to arrange a time specifically for that, whether it's a trip out there or a time specifically for that when they visit.)

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• klh504 member

  

  July 2020

  True - there is probably more going on than I realize and I don't need to know the details. I did need some outside perspective because the people closest to me become a bit of an echo chamber. 

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• knottie22547a37bac55870 member

  

  July 2020

  It sounds like you asked way too soon if they wanted their hair and makeup professionally done. A year in advance is crazy to me. Some of my girls weren't sure four months in advance and definitely wouldn't have been sure a year in advance. I also want to add that a year ago there wasn't a pandemic so even though she hasn't said it was because of the pandemic there is a very good chance she has changed her mind because of the pandemic. Is there someone else like your mother-in-law or sister-in-law (if you have one) that would want their hair and makeup done instead?

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• ei34 member

  

  July 2020

  I feel like your frustration is a bit misplaced.  I have a bigger problem with the hair stylist and MUA being so rigid with their contracts, so far out, than one BM changing her mind.  I don't work in the field myself but I know one hair stylist and two MUA's personally, they all do weddings, and they all need hard numbers a week or so out.  Even my wedding venue, in charge of making meals for 175 people, didn't need the exact number so far out.  (I take my comment back if your wedding is this weekend and she's just telling you now.) 
  If they're going to be so inflexible and charge you anyway, do you have a grandmother, FMIL, aunt, cousin, etc your close to that you'd like to treat to the professional service?
  

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• klh504 member

  

  July 2020

  knottie22547a37bac55870 said:

  It sounds like you asked way too soon if they wanted their hair and makeup professionally done. A year in advance is crazy to me. Some of my girls weren't sure four months in advance and definitely wouldn't have been sure a year in advance. I also want to add that a year ago there wasn't a pandemic so even though she hasn't said it was because of the pandemic there is a very good chance she has changed her mind because of the pandemic. Is there someone else like your mother-in-law or sister-in-law (if you have one) that would want their hair and makeup done instead?

  I didn't have much of a choice, the amount of bridal stylists near me is limited and they are very in demand. Their contract is very rigid which is frustrating but I did know that when I signed it, so that is on me. I did reply above as well as to the reasons I found it hurtful. I may offer to a friend as I do not have a mother in law, grandparents or sister in law. I think it is due to my attempts to get to know her better haven't gotten far and I feel slighted, but again, different issue and I think I am misplacing my frustration.
  

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• klh504 member

  

  July 2020

  ei34 said:

  I feel like your frustration is a bit misplaced.  I have a bigger problem with the hair stylist and MUA being so rigid with their contracts, so far out, than one BM changing her mind.  I don't work in the field myself but I know one hair stylist and two MUA's personally, they all do weddings, and they all need hard numbers a week or so out.  Even my wedding venue, in charge of making meals for 175 people, didn't need the exact number so far out.  (I take my comment back if your wedding is this weekend and she's just telling you now.) 
  If they're going to be so inflexible and charge you anyway, do you have a grandmother, FMIL, aunt, cousin, etc your close to that you'd like to treat to the professional service?
  

  The contract is extremely rigid, I have no idea what is standard and I booked them because she is my normal stylist. I do have a friend I can treat to services and I know she would be thrilled to have them so I think I will do that instead. I think I am misplacing my feelings on the relationship to this one issue as I explained in another comment.

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