Bridesmaids: Did you leave out your best friend?

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · October 2020

If it's not for travel, money, and family reasons - then why?

Is there really any other reason than you don't actually consider that person your best friend?

missJeanLouise · October 2020

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c said:

If it's not for travel, money, and family reasons - then why?

Is there really any other reason than you don't actually consider that person your best friend?

I didn't want any bridesmaids but it was important to my sister so I had her and my SIL. My best friend officiated the wedding.

flantastic · October 2020

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c said:

If it's not for travel, money, and family reasons - then why?

Is there really any other reason than you don't actually consider that person your best friend?

I mean, "travel, money, and family reasons" are kind of vague - whose reasons, the bride's or the potential bridesmaid's? And how would you know those are or aren't the reasons?

A lot of brides do like to make assumptions for people without actually asking them, in a way that they actually think is considerate. "Oh, she wouldn't want to because she has a new baby, so I won't put her in the position of saying no by asking her." "Oh, I know she's struggling with finances right now, so I won't ask her to buy a dress" (although the real solution to this one is not to require a specific dress - people are more important) "and she'll feel like she has to help throw a shower and bachelorette and I don't want to put that on her."

All things that could be solved by clear communication, but that often doesn't happen.

Asking hypothetical questions of people on a wedding forum won't help you get to the bottom of this. Either let it go and don't assume that you've learned something about your true status as a friend, or talk to your friend.

"Hey Jenna, I'm curious - how did you end up deciding on your bridal party?"

maine7mob · October 2020

Are you asking because a person you thought was your best friend didn't ask you to be in her WP? Or are you considering not asking someone who thinks they are your best friend to be in your WP?

If it's the former, and you are hurt, you can choose to bring it up with the bride just to clarify the friendship. She may not think of you the same way you think of her, and even though it feels terrible, it's better to know so that you can lower your expectations of this relationship and move beyond it.

If it's the latter, you are deciding to scale back on the friendship. That's okay, but you may cause some hurt feelings, so you need to be prepared if the left out person decides to distance herself

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · October 2020

missJeanLouise said:

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c said:

If it's not for travel, money, and family reasons - then why?

Is there really any other reason than you don't actually consider that person your best friend?

I didn't want any bridesmaids but it was important to my sister so I had her and my SIL. My best friend officiated the wedding.

I think your reasons are perfectly understandable. Unfortunately, my friend doesn't have a sister or a SIL, so these aren't the reasons.

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · October 2020

flantastic said:

A lot of brides do like to make assumptions for people without actually asking them, in a way that they actually think is considerate.

When she first got engaged, she had expressed that she wanted me to be a bridesmaid but thought I wouldn't enjoy doing the job for a myriad of reasons - however, I quickly corrected her and said I would love to stand up for her. I thought she was giving me an out to not pressure or burden me (which was unfathomable to me as I thought she knew I'd never think that of her), but I guess I was wrong as she has scurried off since.

flantastic said:
"Hey Jenna, I'm curious - how did you end up deciding on your bridal party?"

I've tried in not such a direct way - not even just about her bridal party, but her wedding plans, of course I want to know how it is going! But she has avoided all talk about her wedding with me since. I don't think I am imagining the discomfort and growing awkwardness from her. I honestly cannot believe we'd ever find ourselves in this situation.

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · October 2020

maine7mob said:

Are you asking because a person you thought was your best friend didn't ask you to be in her WP? Or are you considering not asking someone who thinks they are your best friend to be in your WP?

If it's the former, and you are hurt, you can choose to bring it up with the bride just to clarify the friendship. She may not think of you the same way you think of her, and even though it feels terrible, it's better to know so that you can lower your expectations of this relationship and move beyond it.

If it's the latter, you are deciding to scale back on the friendship. That's okay, but you may cause some hurt feelings, so you need to be prepared if the left out person decides to distance herself

I'm the friend. My best friend said she wanted me to be in her party, but also said she didn't want to burden me. When I told her it wouldn't be a burden, she told me she would get back to me - she never has. And now avoids any talk of the wedding with me. I've figured out who is in the bridal party and it looks to be reciprocal bridesmaids from a clique (I am a standalone friend).

I feel like a fool because there isn't any other good reason to knowingly leave me out unless it is what you say (and what I have come to notice about other bride friends who made lots of excuses as to why other friends didn't make their cut, but it was the same underlying reason at the end of the day that they didn't want to admit to).

I never asked to be in her bridal party or pressured her about it, so I have no idea why she would even mention it if she didn't have any intention of asking me. And even worse, now avoid me and pretend she never said anything!

I'm dreading going to any pre-wedding events. I honestly don't really want to go to them and I feel terrible feeling that way.

missJeanLouise · October 2020

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c said:

maine7mob said:

Are you asking because a person you thought was your best friend didn't ask you to be in her WP? Or are you considering not asking someone who thinks they are your best friend to be in your WP?

If it's the former, and you are hurt, you can choose to bring it up with the bride just to clarify the friendship. She may not think of you the same way you think of her, and even though it feels terrible, it's better to know so that you can lower your expectations of this relationship and move beyond it.

If it's the latter, you are deciding to scale back on the friendship. That's okay, but you may cause some hurt feelings, so you need to be prepared if the left out person decides to distance herself

I'm the friend. My best friend said she wanted me to be in her party, but also said she didn't want to burden me. When I told her it wouldn't be a burden, she told me she would get back to me - she never has. And now avoids any talk of the wedding with me. I've figured out who is in the bridal party and it looks to be reciprocal bridesmaids from a clique (I am a standalone friend).

I feel like a fool because there isn't any other good reason to knowingly leave me out unless it is what you say (and what I have come to notice about other bride friends who made lots of excuses as to why other friends didn't make their cut, but it was the same underlying reason at the end of the day that they didn't want to admit to).

I never asked to be in her bridal party or pressured her about it, so I have no idea why she would even mention it if she didn't have any intention of asking me. And even worse, now avoid me and pretend she never said anything!

I'm dreading going to any pre-wedding events. I honestly don't really want to go to them and I feel terrible feeling that way.

To the bolded, a good reason to you and a good reason to her might be different. You said she asked a group of friends, maybe this was already more wedding party than she wanted but felt pressured to ask them because they are a group? It doesn't matter Why but how you feel and move forward from this is important. Is this a friendship ending move for you? It can be, everyone has different limits, no judgement. But if not, maybe take a break from wedding talk since she seems to be avoiding it already and if you don't want to go to pre-wedding events, don't. Blame covid if you want to.

MesmrEwe · October 2020

Your feelings are your feelings, let me help you feel a little better about NOT being in the bridal party...

As a guest:
(Optional) $100 for hotel the night of the wedding
$25-75 wedding gift
$20-50 shower gift
Can help out for the fun of it if bride needs it..

As a member of the bridal party...
$500+ designated dress, shoes, alterations, undergarments
$$$ time off for bridal shop appointments
(optional) $100 Hotel for night before the shower
$400 Contribution to bridal shower
$200 Bachelorette party contribution
$100-200 Hotel for night of Bach party
$300 for two night's hotel minimum for wedding itself...
$$$$ Time off and travel expenses/gas..

Yea, it hurts right now what you're going through. I can't count the number of times over the years on the boards knotties that have later found out "Bullet dodged!" by NOT being in the WP because of one petty thing or another, or even the bigger things like the bride wanting people in the WP to fly all over the country to events what seems like every other weekend and take off of work in excess. Things have an interesting way of working themselves out.

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · October 2020

MesmrEwe said:

Your feelings are your feelings, let me help you feel a little better about NOT being in the bridal party...

As a guest:
(Optional) $100 for hotel the night of the wedding
$25-75 wedding gift
$20-50 shower gift
Can help out for the fun of it if bride needs it..

As a member of the bridal party...
$500+ designated dress, shoes, alterations, undergarments
$$$ time off for bridal shop appointments
(optional) $100 Hotel for night before the shower
$400 Contribution to bridal shower
$200 Bachelorette party contribution
$100-200 Hotel for night of Bach party
$300 for two night's hotel minimum for wedding itself...
$$$$ Time off and travel expenses/gas..

I did think about these things too, and I know we are both on the same page that if you ask someone to be in the bridal party, the bride pays for everything. This I am 100% sure of. In the weddings we have both been in, this has been the culture and expectation. I would also confidently say money is not really a factor in her making these sorts of decisions as we have talked about this before and she and her partner are very well off.

The wedding is also an interstate destination so everyone has to travel for it and pay for their own lodging and transport - and I also now received an email from the bridesmaids asking us for money to pay for the bridal shower (not the bachelorette). I have to admit, that one really surprised me. So the difference in forking out money as a guest vs bridesmaid is not really an issue.

As for her party, there are only two - one of them I have known for just as long but I moved away for college while they stayed here. That girl is also now avoiding me. Other friends of ours have noticed and are surprised, they know that we have been mutual best friends for 20+ years. It hasn't been a one-sided friendship in closeness at all, although now I am beginning to doubt my own convictions.

It is not a friendship ending move for me, but I now understand how weddings can be very revealing in how important and reciprocal certain people are to you, and I don't think things will be quite the same after this.

MyNameIsNot · October 2020

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c said:

MesmrEwe said:

Your feelings are your feelings, let me help you feel a little better about NOT being in the bridal party...

As a guest:
(Optional) $100 for hotel the night of the wedding
$25-75 wedding gift
$20-50 shower gift
Can help out for the fun of it if bride needs it..

As a member of the bridal party...
$500+ designated dress, shoes, alterations, undergarments
$$$ time off for bridal shop appointments
(optional) $100 Hotel for night before the shower
$400 Contribution to bridal shower
$200 Bachelorette party contribution
$100-200 Hotel for night of Bach party
$300 for two night's hotel minimum for wedding itself...
$$$$ Time off and travel expenses/gas..

I did think about these things too, and I know we are both on the same page that if you ask someone to be in the bridal party, the bride pays for everything. This I am 100% sure of. In the weddings we have both been in, this has been the culture and expectation. I would also confidently say money is not really a factor in her making these sorts of decisions as we have talked about this before and she and her partner are very well off.

The wedding is also an interstate destination so everyone has to travel for it and pay for their own lodging and transport - and I also now received an email from the bridesmaids asking us for money to pay for the bridal shower (not the bachelorette). I have to admit, that one really surprised me. So the difference in forking out money as a guest vs bridesmaid is not really an issue.

As for her party, there are only two - one of them I have known for just as long but I moved away for college while they stayed here. That girl is also now avoiding me. Other friends of ours have noticed and are surprised, they know that we have been mutual best friends for 20+ years. It hasn't been a one-sided friendship in closeness at all, although now I am beginning to doubt my own convictions.

It is not a friendship ending move for me, but I now understand how weddings can be very revealing in how important and reciprocal certain people are to you, and I don't think things will be quite the same after this.

Ignore the breakdown of expenses. All of those are optional and no one should expect bridesmaids to contribute any amount of money, much less some random budget that MesmrEwe pulled out of her ass.

Please don't give anyone money for a bridal shower. That would be inappropriate even if you were in the wedding party, but for the shower "hosts" to just be asking random guests for money is beyond bizarre.

It really sounds like this woman doesn't consider you as close of a friend as you consider her. That can be painful, but she's not doing it to hurt you. If you are dreading attending the shower, just decline. You don't owe anyone an explanation for not wanting to attend a party, especially during a global pandemic. It's good that this isn't friendship ending for you, but it might be a good time to take a step back and think about how you want this friendship to look in the future. Protecting yourself is healthy.

short+sassy · October 2020

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by this and I definitely don't blame you. It was rude of her to say something about you being in the WP in the first place and then back away. I'm guessing that she preferred this particular "group" of friends...and only the people in this group...because they're already an established group where everyone knows and likes each other.

But also felt like she was obligated to say something to you. So she tried to downplay it with "I'd like for you to be a BM, but I know you wouldn't want to because of XYZ." But then you foiled her "plan" because you told her you'd love to do it.

Another reason might be that she did assume you wouldn't want to do it. Her and her FI decided on "even sides" for the WPs...which is super, super stupid and ridiculous, but people do it. So they planned for her side to be the "clique" group and her FI chose the same number of people for his side. When you surprised her you wanted to stand up with her, she couldn't possibly make the sides "uneven" (pearl clutch). And is now side-stepping things.

Either way it's lousy. I can understand it isn't "dealbreaking" for the friendship. I'd also assume that her contact with you will get back to normal after the wedding. But, right now, she knows she did the wrong thing. So she is avoiding you because that makes her feel guilty.

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · October 2020

short+sassy said:

Another reason might be that she did assume you wouldn't want to do it. Her and her FI decided on "even sides" for the WPs...which is super, super stupid and ridiculous, but people do it. So they planned for her side to be the "clique" group and her FI chose the same number of people for his side. When you surprised her you wanted to stand up with her, she couldn't possibly make the sides "uneven" (pearl clutch). And is now side-stepping things.

Thankyou for your perspective, I suspect a lot of the things you have said are spot on, it will be interesting to see how many are on her groom's side on the day to see if she subscribed to this thinking too. I know people do it but I also think it's a bad/convenient excuse if money is not an issue - it sort of tells people a photo is being put above a friendship.

I'm sure she will go back to normal after the ceremony, but I'll be stepping back a bit from the friendship as this situation is showing me it's a bit lopsided and I'm over invested.

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · January 2021

The wedding festivities are all over now so thought I'd give an update for anyone who may be going through a similar experience of feeling hurt and left out:

- I did end up going to the bridal shower and chipping in over $100 to the bridesmaids for it as they requested. The bride and bridal party pretty much avoided me the whole time.

- The wedding party did end up uneven, but not on the bride's side. The groom had more people, so I think I was definitely snubbed.

- For some reason, I was seated at the kings table with all of them, but the only one not in the wedding party or without a partner, and was embarrassingly called out for still being single.

- The bride/bridal party and I have not spoken properly in months. They are trying to reach out now but I don't have interest in seeing them and don't know when I will be ready to again.

I gave them a significant monetary gift to help with their honeymoon, but I think it's time for me to find better friends. The entire experience has been extremely hurtful, and though I do love her dearly, I don't want second rate friends.

short+sassy · January 2021

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c said:

The wedding festivities are all over now so thought I'd give an update for anyone who may be going through a similar experience of feeling hurt and left out:

- I did end up going to the bridal shower and chipping in over $100 to the bridesmaids for it as they requested. The bride and bridal party pretty much avoided me the whole time.

- The wedding party did end up uneven, but not on the bride's side. The groom had more people, so I think I was definitely snubbed.

- For some reason, I was seated at the kings table with all of them, but the only one not in the wedding party or without a partner, and was embarrassingly called out for still being single.

- The bride/bridal party and I have not spoken properly in months. They are trying to reach out now but I don't have interest in seeing them and don't know when I will be ready to again.

I gave them a significant monetary gift to help with their honeymoon, but I think it's time for me to find better friends. The entire experience has been extremely hurtful, and though I do love her dearly, I don't want second rate friends.

Thanks for the update. People rarely come back and tell us what happened and what they decided to do. I wish it had been a happier outcome for you.

FWIW, it sounds like you are handling it great and have given a lot of consideration to what you want to do. That you might want to remain friends in the future, so you didn't burn down bridges in a pique of anger. But, at the same time, need to step back right now for your own emotional health.

For a similar story, one of my longest friends only gave me two week's notice when she got married a second time. Which was especially ridiculous considering I live a plane flight away from her. I had even been her BM in her first wedding. To be fair, we only chit-chatted once every month or two, but we were still close. Or at least I thought so. I didn't even know she was engaged but, as it turns out, they got engaged and planned their wedding date for about one month later. I was a little mollified by that because I had originally been thinking I was a "B-List" guest. But still. If she had called me when they set the date and given me more notice, I would have gone. However, by the time they mailed the invitation and I received it, there were very few flights available and they were all 3-4x the normal rates because fewer choices and I needed a departure date less than two weeks away. As such, I declined.

knottieb407aee4bf89b21c · February 2021

Thankyou short+sassy, I guess I never thought after years and years of talking about this (me being in her party) that she'd leave me out. I've moved her from the treatment of a best friend to just a group friend now, but I do feel pretty sad about it, it's an adjustment after feeling like someone was family for most of your life.

I'm sorry that you missed your friend's wedding too and that there was a difficulty in communication.

We have a few other friends in our friendship group who were not invited and the bride never addressed this either. The topic of her wedding has been a whole walking on eggshells amongst us. Unlike a lot of the advice on these forums, I would personally advise brides not to tell white lies or avoid their friends/talk of the event who haven't made the cut for the wedding parties or wedding invitations. The truth is, you guys are not as close as you think, and everyone will come to realise this in due time. But the silence and go arounds actually make the situations worse to a point where friendships will start dying because people feel so awkward.

Bridesmaids: Did you leave out your best friend?

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