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MOH / sister drama about parent's financial contribution

Hello all! Hoping to get some opinions/advice on drama my MOH/sister is causing about my dad contributing to my wedding (positive/constructive opinions only please 😊). I'll post more history and detail below, but here is my question: Is it NEVER okay for a parent to contribute unequal dollar amounts to each daughter's wedding even when the circumstances are different and the parent wants to? I agreed to all my dad's wedding requests when my sister wouldn't, I talked to him about contributing when she never brought it up with him, my wedding costs more (in part because I'm inviting the additional guests my dad wants), and my Fiance's family can't afford to contribute as much as her's did. Is contributing the same percentage not "equal" enough?

Some history: My sister has had a rough relationship with our Dad her whole life, while I have had a pretty good relationship with him apart from a couple conflicts. She has always felt like I was the favorite, and probably had pretty good reason to feel that way. My sister got engaged three years ago and originally wasn't going to even invite my dad to her wedding. She did, and my dad mentioned to her that he wanted to contribute to her wedding but never said anything specific. She never brought the financial topic up with him and also told him flat out no when he voiced a couple opinions/requests about her wedding. Right before the wedding he asked her how much her wedding cost all together and then on the wedding day without any discussion just gave her a check for 1/2 the wedding cost. Fast forward until now, and I am engaged and my dad mentioned to me that he wanted to contribute to the wedding. I set up a time to talk to him about specifics, budgets, and his expectations. On that call he told me all of his requests for my wedding, which I agreed to. Then he told me he was thinking about paying for half of my wedding but needed to talk to my sister first as, since my wedding is bigger, he would be giving me a higher dollar amount than he gave her. My sister went ballistic and said he had to give the exact same amount to both of us. I could best describe her bahavior as throwing a tantrum. Now my dad is in a conundrum. 
Also (small vent) is it just me or is this incredibly self absorbed of my sister? Shouldn't she be making my feelings a priority since it is my wedding? I bent over backwards and went all out trying to make her wedding as amazing as possible.

Thanks in advance!

Re: MOH / sister drama about parent's financial contribution

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2021
    Hello all! Hoping to get some opinions/advice on drama my MOH/sister is causing about my dad contributing to my wedding (positive/constructive opinions only please 😊). I'll post more history and detail below, but here is my question: Is it NEVER okay for a parent to contribute unequal dollar amounts to each daughter's wedding even when the circumstances are different and the parent wants to? I agreed to all my dad's wedding requests when my sister wouldn't, I talked to him about contributing when she never brought it up with him, my wedding costs more (in part because I'm inviting the additional guests my dad wants), and my Fiance's family can't afford to contribute as much as her's did. Is contributing the same percentage not "equal" enough?

    Some history: My sister has had a rough relationship with our Dad her whole life, while I have had a pretty good relationship with him apart from a couple conflicts. She has always felt like I was the favorite, and probably had pretty good reason to feel that way. My sister got engaged three years ago and originally wasn't going to even invite my dad to her wedding. She did, and my dad mentioned to her that he wanted to contribute to her wedding but never said anything specific. She never brought the financial topic up with him and also told him flat out no when he voiced a couple opinions/requests about her wedding. Right before the wedding he asked her how much her wedding cost all together and then on the wedding day without any discussion just gave her a check for 1/2 the wedding cost. Fast forward until now, and I am engaged and my dad mentioned to me that he wanted to contribute to the wedding. I set up a time to talk to him about specifics, budgets, and his expectations. On that call he told me all of his requests for my wedding, which I agreed to. Then he told me he was thinking about paying for half of my wedding but needed to talk to my sister first as, since my wedding is bigger, he would be giving me a higher dollar amount than he gave her. My sister went ballistic and said he had to give the exact same amount to both of us. I could best describe her bahavior as throwing a tantrum. Now my dad is in a conundrum. 
    Also (small vent) is it just me or is this incredibly self absorbed of my sister? Shouldn't she be making my feelings a priority since it is my wedding? I bent over backwards and went all out trying to make her wedding as amazing as possible.

    Thanks in advance!

    There's really no right answer here. You have no control over what your dad decides to gift either of you. Some parents are very set on being even and equal with kids, while others are of the opinion that fair is based on what each kid needs. 

    You really can't get between your dad and your sister. As far as your wedding, you never should have told your sister what your dad was contributing, and if she asked you should have told her that it was none of her business. From now, all you can say is that gifts to you from your dad are not her business, just as his gifts to her are not your business, and you won't be engaging any further. 

    FWIW, I have no idea what my parents paid toward my sister's wedding. I also have no idea what they spent on her college or if they set aside anything for her kids, because it's none of my business. 
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    Your dad shouldn't have talked to her about it but that is water under the bridge. Your sister's reaction is uncalled for. It is your dad's money and he can do what he wishes with it. You shouldn't get between your sister and your dad. If she tries to talk to you about it, tell her you aren't interested in comparing amounts and move on to something else. Keep repeating. 
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    It's your DAD's money to do with what and how he wishes - you are making agreements to accommodate those requests which changes the dynamic of your event.  The only mistake made is that your father discussed this with your sister.  She made her choice in how she planned her event, dollars to donuts, he paid "half" and never had to do so in the first place.  There is a different dynamic between yourself and your father than she has, if she was never going to invite him, what skin is it off of her back.  

    End of the day, it's still your Dad's money to decide what and how he wants it spent.  He's paying for the strings, but end of the day the contracts are still in your name and you need to pay those contracts whether he contributes or not.  It may be time to have another conversation, this time meet up for breakfast or lunch instead of on the phone...
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    I do think your sister is being ridiculous.  It's not her money anyway, so why does she care.  I don't think your dad should have had that conversation with her, but I understand it came from a place of wanting to be "fair", since I presume the dollar amounts are so different.

    However, the bottom line is to stay out of it.  If your dad decides to only give you as much as he gave your sister in order to keep peace, that is his choice.  It is each couple's responsibility to pay for their own wedding.  I realize there are some extra expenses you all will have because you are agreeing to things he wants but, unless you are talking about most of his portion, don't pressure him (not saying you are).

    FWIW, I understand far too well what it's like to be the less favored child.  So, while I definitely don't agree with your sister's attitude, I can understand some of where it comes from.  My mother has always given substantially more money to my sister.  There are always "reasons" for it, but they are always flimsy and it's hurtful.  It's not even about the money, it's about the fairness.  Or I should say, lack thereof.

    It's been many things, but I'll give you the wedding example.  My mom paid for 100% of each of our weddings.  My sister's cost $35K and was a few years before mine.  Mine was $5K., so 7x less.  I initially didn't know my mom had paid for the entirety of my sister's wedding.  I was already planning a small wedding of only 35 people that my H and I were prepared to pay for ourselves.  Though I assumed my mom would probably contribute something.  When I was initially talking wedding plans with my mom, my FI and I had decided to have a similar wedding to what my mom and stepdad had.  My mom told me it would be about $5K and she could pay for that.  I was surprised and overjoyed!  I asked if she was sure and she told me she was.

    But then, as usual, she throws water on my parade by saying this, "I'm so glad you are having a smaller wedding!  I paid for your sister's whole wedding and that was $35K, but I can only afford about $5K for yours, so I would have felt bad if it had cost more than that."  Why did she even have to say that?  She generously gave both myself and my sister our dream weddings.  I don't care my sister's was more expensive.  But it was deeply hurtful to be told she could only afford $5K for mine.  As if she hadn't even given a thought about my future wedding, when she spent $35K on my sister's.  
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    I think it was shitty of your dad to essentially ask your sister for permission to give you more money.  I can't imagine how he thought that would go.  I'm not surprised that sister feels slighted (regardless of your relationship or wedding type).   That said, it's not yours or your sisters money and Dad can do whatever he wants with it. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your sister is acting like an entitled bitch. It's not her money or up to her how much your father gives you for your wedding. I would tell her, "Sis, how much I get for my wedding from Dad is not your business. He does not owe you an accounting down to the penny. The subject is closed."
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    Yikes @jen4948 that’s pretty harsh. I also don’t think it’s OP’s place to say anything about Dad’s money. 

    OP- you need to stay so far out of this! Your Dad never should have brought you in to his conversation with your sister at all. It’s his money he can spend, or not spend, it how he wants. 

    That said- if you say your sister has a good reason to feel like she’s not the favorite, well this certainly isn’t going to help that! Even though there might be reasons your dad wants to spend more on your wedding that doesn’t mean your sister isn’t going to feel badly about that, especially if she already feels your dad favors you over her. Best advice is to stay out of it. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
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    edited May 2021
    Jen4948 said:
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
    Calling her an entitled bitch surely is a bit much? 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
    Calling her an entitled bitch surely is a bit much? 
    That's how she's acting. We've used harsher language for nicer behavior.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2021
    Casadena said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
    Calling her an entitled bitch surely is a bit much? 
    That's how she's acting. We've used harsher language for nicer behavior.
    oh good lord.  If your dad had essentially said to you "listen, I'm giving your sister way more money than I did you because she's nicer and giving in to everything I want but I really want your blessing" you really would just be like "oh of course dad, it's your money and you've always had a better relationship with her"?????  Doubt it.

    Sure, she could be acting better, but they're setting her up to fail.  
    The problem I have with this is not that the father wants to give more money to one sister than the other. I agree that that isn't nice, but again, it's his money. Neither sister is entitled to it.

    What does bother me about this is that the sister is  throwing a temper tantrum and making demands for things she isn't entitled to, like a penny-for-penny match and accounting. That crosses the line. The OP also says that the sister has clashed with the father most of her life, so it sounds like there's more baggage there. She didn't want to invite his guests or do things at her wedding the way he wanted, whereas the OP is okay with doing those things, so it makes to me that the father would want to spend more on the OP's wedding than her sister's. That's not "setting [the sister] up to fail."

    And yes, I'm feeling rather crabby right now, as I discuss in today's Wedding Woes. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that anyone owes anyone else specific amounts of money.
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    Jen4948 said:
    Casadena said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
    Calling her an entitled bitch surely is a bit much? 
    That's how she's acting. We've used harsher language for nicer behavior.
    oh good lord.  If your dad had essentially said to you "listen, I'm giving your sister way more money than I did you because she's nicer and giving in to everything I want but I really want your blessing" you really would just be like "oh of course dad, it's your money and you've always had a better relationship with her"?????  Doubt it.

    Sure, she could be acting better, but they're setting her up to fail.  
    The problem I have with this is not that the father wants to give more money to one sister than the other. I agree that that isn't nice, but again, it's his money. Neither sister is entitled to it.

    What does bother me about this is that the sister is  throwing a temper tantrum and making demands for things she isn't entitled to, like a penny-for-penny match and accounting. That crosses the line. The OP also says that the sister has clashed with the father most of her life, so it sounds like there's more baggage there. She didn't want to invite his guests or do things at her wedding the way he wanted, whereas the OP is okay with doing those things, so it makes to me that the father would want to spend more on the OP's wedding than her sister's. That's not "setting [the sister] up to fail."

    And yes, I'm feeling rather crabby right now, as I discuss in today's Wedding Woes. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that anyone owes anyone else specific amounts of money.
    Do you really think that this is the sister's fault though? 

    I honestly read this as if Dad made a really big mistake here and the sister should be cut some slack.  Sister got called by dad asking what she thinks of the favorite in the family getting more money from dad and she's irritated about it.  

    I don't agree that her dad owes both kids the same but aren't you often seeing issues with how your parents treat you vs. your siblings?  If your parents asked you how you'd feel if they gave your siblings more how would you feel? 

    I'll add that I'm married to the loved but not favorite kid and I can tell you when I see the blatant favoritism at times it infuriates me as the wife.   

    Also I don't think the sister "wins" anything when she didn't work with her dad before the wedding and planned the wedding she wanted.  But I also think the dad had a big miss here and all of this frankly could have been avoided if the sister wasn't involved in the first place.  

    But calling the sister an entitled bitch is misplaced at best and projecting at worst. 


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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2021
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Casadena said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
    Calling her an entitled bitch surely is a bit much? 
    That's how she's acting. We've used harsher language for nicer behavior.
    oh good lord.  If your dad had essentially said to you "listen, I'm giving your sister way more money than I did you because she's nicer and giving in to everything I want but I really want your blessing" you really would just be like "oh of course dad, it's your money and you've always had a better relationship with her"?????  Doubt it.

    Sure, she could be acting better, but they're setting her up to fail.  
    The problem I have with this is not that the father wants to give more money to one sister than the other. I agree that that isn't nice, but again, it's his money. Neither sister is entitled to it.

    What does bother me about this is that the sister is  throwing a temper tantrum and making demands for things she isn't entitled to, like a penny-for-penny match and accounting. That crosses the line. The OP also says that the sister has clashed with the father most of her life, so it sounds like there's more baggage there. She didn't want to invite his guests or do things at her wedding the way he wanted, whereas the OP is okay with doing those things, so it makes to me that the father would want to spend more on the OP's wedding than her sister's. That's not "setting [the sister] up to fail."

    And yes, I'm feeling rather crabby right now, as I discuss in today's Wedding Woes. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that anyone owes anyone else specific amounts of money.
    Do you really think that this is the sister's fault though? 

    I honestly read this as if Dad made a really big mistake here and the sister should be cut some slack.  Sister got called by dad asking what she thinks of the favorite in the family getting more money from dad and she's irritated about it.  

    I don't agree that her dad owes both kids the same but aren't you often seeing issues with how your parents treat you vs. your siblings?  If your parents asked you how you'd feel if they gave your siblings more how would you feel? 

    I'll add that I'm married to the loved but not favorite kid and I can tell you when I see the blatant favoritism at times it infuriates me as the wife.   

    Also I don't think the sister "wins" anything when she didn't work with her dad before the wedding and planned the wedding she wanted.  But I also think the dad had a big miss here and all of this frankly could have been avoided if the sister wasn't involved in the first place.  

    But calling the sister an entitled bitch is misplaced at best and projecting at worst. 


    I agree that Dad made a mistake by asking the sister if she would be okay with it. And I agree that his favoritism is wrong, if that's what it is, but we don't know if it's his favoritism that drove the sister to have differences with him or something else. There seems to be a lot of baggage there. It might well be the sister's fault.

    But if the dad doesn't owe both daughters the same amount, then it isn't appropriate for the sister to expect that, let alone throw a tantrum over it.

    And in terms of my own situation, my parents already did play favorites with me and my brother in their wills. They told me all about it. They are not going to change their wills regardless of how I feel. However, I'm sucking it up rather than demanding equal treatment. I didn't earn their money, so if they want to leave things differently than I would have, that's up to them. I'm not entitled to their money or to make decisions about it, and that doesn't set me up to fail. And if I made the big fuss to my family over it that the sister is making to the OP, "entitled bitch" is one of the nicer names they would call me to my face.
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    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Casadena said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Harsh but true. It isn't the OP's business what her dad does with his money but neither is it her sister's.
    Calling her an entitled bitch surely is a bit much? 
    That's how she's acting. We've used harsher language for nicer behavior.
    oh good lord.  If your dad had essentially said to you "listen, I'm giving your sister way more money than I did you because she's nicer and giving in to everything I want but I really want your blessing" you really would just be like "oh of course dad, it's your money and you've always had a better relationship with her"?????  Doubt it.

    Sure, she could be acting better, but they're setting her up to fail.  
    The problem I have with this is not that the father wants to give more money to one sister than the other. I agree that that isn't nice, but again, it's his money. Neither sister is entitled to it.

    What does bother me about this is that the sister is  throwing a temper tantrum and making demands for things she isn't entitled to, like a penny-for-penny match and accounting. That crosses the line. The OP also says that the sister has clashed with the father most of her life, so it sounds like there's more baggage there. She didn't want to invite his guests or do things at her wedding the way he wanted, whereas the OP is okay with doing those things, so it makes to me that the father would want to spend more on the OP's wedding than her sister's. That's not "setting [the sister] up to fail."

    And yes, I'm feeling rather crabby right now, as I discuss in today's Wedding Woes. I'm not sympathetic to the idea that anyone owes anyone else specific amounts of money.
    Do you really think that this is the sister's fault though? 

    I honestly read this as if Dad made a really big mistake here and the sister should be cut some slack.  Sister got called by dad asking what she thinks of the favorite in the family getting more money from dad and she's irritated about it.  

    I don't agree that her dad owes both kids the same but aren't you often seeing issues with how your parents treat you vs. your siblings?  If your parents asked you how you'd feel if they gave your siblings more how would you feel? 

    I'll add that I'm married to the loved but not favorite kid and I can tell you when I see the blatant favoritism at times it infuriates me as the wife.   

    Also I don't think the sister "wins" anything when she didn't work with her dad before the wedding and planned the wedding she wanted.  But I also think the dad had a big miss here and all of this frankly could have been avoided if the sister wasn't involved in the first place.  

    But calling the sister an entitled bitch is misplaced at best and projecting at worst. 


    I agree that Dad made a mistake by asking the sister if she would be okay with it. And I agree that his favoritism is wrong, if that's what it is, but we don't know if it's his favoritism that drove the sister to have differences with him or something else. There seems to be a lot of baggage there. It might well be the sister's fault.

    But if the dad doesn't owe both daughters the same amount, then it isn't appropriate for the sister to expect that, let alone throw a tantrum over it.

    And in terms of my own situation, my parents already did play favorites with me and my brother in their wills. They told me all about it. They give not a damn how I feel about it and are not going to change their wills. However, I'm sucking it up rather than demanding equal treatment. I didn't earn their money, so if they want to leave things differently than I would have, that's up to them.
    Agreed.  An adult temper tantrum is never appropriate. 

    But the question I'm asking is what do you think the sister's response should be?  I guess I see this as an exercise in human behavior questioning the Dad.  It isn't that he isn't allowed to do this.  Of COURSE he can spend his $ as he desires. 

    But if they have a contentious relationship I fail to understand why he asked her and what he hoped to gain by telling her that he anticipated spending more on the sister.  It seemed to be a conversation that was doomed to fail.  

    And because that situation was a conversation doomed to fail I also fail to understand your conclusion that the sister was a selfish bitch.  
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2021
    banana468 said:
    Agreed.  An adult temper tantrum is never appropriate. 

    But the question I'm asking is what do you think the sister's response should be?  I guess I see this as an exercise in human behavior questioning the Dad.  It isn't that he isn't allowed to do this.  Of COURSE he can spend his $ as he desires. 

    But if they have a contentious relationship I fail to understand why he asked her and what he hoped to gain by telling her that he anticipated spending more on the sister.  It seemed to be a conversation that was doomed to fail.  

    And because that situation was a conversation doomed to fail I also fail to understand your conclusion that the sister was a selfish bitch.  
    I don't get why the dad did that either, and I agree that that was wrong. But it would have been much classier of the sister to say, "Dad, it's your money, it's up to you how you spend it. It hurts that you want to spend more on one of your daughters than the other, but that's your decision." 

    But that's not what she did. She made specific demands that he give the OP only an equal amount for her wedding that she herself received. But he who pays gets the say in how money gets spent. For her own wedding, she rejected those says. That was her call. If the OP wants to do what their father wants and receive extra cash from him to pay for it, that's her and her father's call - not her sister's.
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    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Agreed.  An adult temper tantrum is never appropriate. 

    But the question I'm asking is what do you think the sister's response should be?  I guess I see this as an exercise in human behavior questioning the Dad.  It isn't that he isn't allowed to do this.  Of COURSE he can spend his $ as he desires. 

    But if they have a contentious relationship I fail to understand why he asked her and what he hoped to gain by telling her that he anticipated spending more on the sister.  It seemed to be a conversation that was doomed to fail.  

    And because that situation was a conversation doomed to fail I also fail to understand your conclusion that the sister was a selfish bitch.  
    I don't get why the dad did that either, and I agree that that was wrong. But it would have been much classier of the sister to say, "Dad, it's your money, it's up to you how you spend it. It hurts that you want to spend more on one of your daughters than the other, but that's your decision." 

    But that's not what she did. She made specific demands that he give the OP only an equal amount for her wedding that she herself received. But he who pays gets the say in how money gets spent. For her own wedding, she rejected those says. That was her call. If the OP wants to do what their father wants and receive extra cash from him to pay for it, that's her and her father's call - not her sister's.
    And yet her sister was consulted, gave her opinion and you're calling her an entitled bitch for expressing it. 

    Do you really think that based on the back story the sister was expected to hold her tongue?  
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Agreed.  An adult temper tantrum is never appropriate. 

    But the question I'm asking is what do you think the sister's response should be?  I guess I see this as an exercise in human behavior questioning the Dad.  It isn't that he isn't allowed to do this.  Of COURSE he can spend his $ as he desires. 

    But if they have a contentious relationship I fail to understand why he asked her and what he hoped to gain by telling her that he anticipated spending more on the sister.  It seemed to be a conversation that was doomed to fail.  

    And because that situation was a conversation doomed to fail I also fail to understand your conclusion that the sister was a selfish bitch.  
    I don't get why the dad did that either, and I agree that that was wrong. But it would have been much classier of the sister to say, "Dad, it's your money, it's up to you how you spend it. It hurts that you want to spend more on one of your daughters than the other, but that's your decision." 

    But that's not what she did. She made specific demands that he give the OP only an equal amount for her wedding that she herself received. But he who pays gets the say in how money gets spent. For her own wedding, she rejected those says. That was her call. If the OP wants to do what their father wants and receive extra cash from him to pay for it, that's her and her father's call - not her sister's.
    And yet her sister was consulted, gave her opinion and you're calling her an entitled bitch for expressing it. 

    Do you really think that based on the back story the sister was expected to hold her tongue?  
    No, I don't think that, but I think she's deeply wrong in her opinion.
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    I think you’re quite happy to be treated as Daddy’s favorite, and you should anticipate losing any relationship with your sister because by happily shrugging your shoulders at decades of mistreatment you’re making it very clear that she is not particularly important to you. 
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