My Bf asked for parents permission....still no ring

Re: My Bf asked for parents permission....still no ring

• flantastic member

  

  May 2021

  knottie69325466a786d6f3 said:

  Hi all! I’m hoping to get some advice. I have been dating for almost 4 years and about two years ago my bf asked for my parents permission to marry me and my parents gave their approval. I only found out about him asking for permission Bc my mom cannot keep a secret and told me the next day.  Anyways, I am still waiting for the proposal. I ask him what is going on and I reassure him that it isn’t about the ring it is about making the commitment. He tells me that he is saving for the ring that I deserve.  I’m just tired of waiting and It hurts Bc I want it to happen so badly. I just don’t know if I should continue to wait and for how much longer before saying enough is enough. 

  Have you guys discussed marriage at all? What you want from marriage? Out of life together? I can't imagine getting engaged to someone if I had no idea what they intended to do with their life, even if the engagement period can serve as a kind of final discernment period.
  
  Does he have some reason to believe that one cannot get married until an appropriate ring is procured? Do you care about that? Do you not care about that? Does he know how you feel about that? Is he stressed about finances in general? You guys being able to support yourselves?
  
  If you guys are gonna get married, you need to be intentional about having these sort of conversations. You can say, "I am at the stage of my life and this relationship where I would like us to get married. I don't want to waste any more time not being married, and I don't care if that means we can only have 10 guests and pizza for a reception. That's where I am. What do you want to happen before our marriage, and why?" Then you guys can sort out what you want, and compromise where you want different things.
  
  If he's not willing to discuss that sort of thing and sort it out with you, pre-"official" proposal or at all, do not marry him.

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• downtondiva member

  

  May 2021

  I don't understand why he asked for your parents' permission when he wasn't planning to propose to you soon thereafter. I could understand a two month gap, but two years is a long time.
  
  I agree with @flantastic that you need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about where this relationship is going and what your respective expectations are in terms of when you are going to get married. I can't help thinking - and I'm sorry if this seems harsh - that he's using the ring as an excuse, and that the real reason he hasn't proposed is that he isn't ready to get married any time soon. You may be able to discern if that's true from having this serious conversation with him, and what his reasons are for not being ready. If you truly don't mind not getting a ring at the exact time he proposes, and/or if you are okay with a long engagement while you get other things in life sorted out, let him know that and see how he responds.
  
  If you get the sense that he's just not at all on the same timeline as you in terms of getting engaged and married, it's perfectly okay to decide that you don't want to wait around for him. No matter how much you love someone, you're allowed to look out for your own wants and needs as well.

  
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  May 2021

  This is very concerning to me. It doesn't sound like you're discussing marriage or engagement in any meaningful way, and that he's just putting you off by using a ring as an excuse. You don't need a ring or a fancy proposal to get engaged and you don't need a big party to get married. 
  
  Are you able to have open, honest, and vulnerable communication about other issues? What does he say his timeline is for engagement or marriage? Are you sure that he still feels the same way that he did two years ago? Why does he say he asked if he wasn't ready? 
  
  There's nothing wrong with proposing to him or mutually deciding to be engaged, but it doesn't really sound like you're on the same page here. 

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• maine7mob member

  

  May 2021

  Ultimatums are never a good start to a marriage. You need to have a frank conversation about whether you are both ready to get married. Saying he is saving up for a ring is just an excuse to delay things, I'm afraid. You need to ask him why he really wants to delay and if he feels ready to marry you. If he isn't ready to commit, ask him if he ever sees a way forward. His answer will tell you whether you should continue the relationship or walk away.
  
  The fact that he asked your parents' permission suggests that you are very young. The good news is that you have plenty of time if this is not the relationship for you. It's possible that you have just grown apart and now want different things.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2021

  I agree that you have received some mixed signals here. The key to uncrossing the wires is a conversation for your boyfriend about the status of your relationship and where he sees it going. I would tell him that your mother told you that she and your father gave him permission to marry you but since no proposal has followed and two years have passed, you'd appreciate some clarification about his intentions. Don't frame this as an ultimatum.
  
  It's possible that he's had second thoughts since speaking to your parents or wants to take things slower than you were expecting. But waiting two years for him to afford a ring is a red flag. If he continues to stonewall, you may need to rethink your relationship with him because it sounds like you aren't on the same page anymore.

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