My husband refuses to unmask...ever.
Dear Prudence,
I have been married to a great guy for five and a half years. He is handsome, sexy, funny, and kind. It’s true that he has always been a little “prissy” about illnesses, but I never thought it was a real problem. However, during the pandemic, his terror about getting sick has reached new levels. For the last year, he has refused to take off his face mask, even when we are at home—just the two of us. This is true even now that he is fully vaccinated for the virus. He wears it to sleep, to do most of his bathroom activities, and, yes, even during lovemaking. To eat, he pulls it up to expose his mouth, and then quickly pulls it back down between bites. While he does not insist that I do the same, I can tell it bothers him that I don’t—especially because I have now started going maskless outside, per the CDC guidelines, and plan on restaurant dining inside soon for a girls’ night out.
When I have tried to present him with the science, he says, “Scientists don’t fully understand the virus yet,” or, “I know it probably isn’t necessary, but wearing it doesn’t bother me, so if there’s even a small chance that it can protect us, I’d rather be on the safe side. What’s the harm?”
I disagree that there’s no harm. I want to see my beautiful husband’s face again. I want to kiss him on the lips romantically, like we used to, and not through a piece of fabric. (He does not change his mask very often and it is often smelly and soiled.) And I don’t want to feel judged by him for my own behavior, which I consider reasonable.
This is making me depressed and concerned about our future together. I have asked him when he plans to stop masking, and all he says is “When it is safe for everyone.” What if this becomes a permanent part of him? My mother, who is very conservative, thinks that I should move out. But I don’t think I’m ready for that step yet. What I want is my husband back. How can I get through to him?
—Maskless and Alone
Re: My husband refuses to unmask...ever.
This is a CTJ discussion and possibly w/ a therapist and a doctor. This is overly anxious and ignoring the science.
I'm sure a lot of people got triggered by the pandemic of issues.
therapy.
but also this comment: “When I have tried to present him with the science, he says, “Scientists don’t fully understand the virus yet,”
How this dude even WANTS to engage in coitus is beyond me.
But wearing it constantly in his own home? That's an extreme level of anxiety that needs to be addressed with a therapist. And the irony is not lost on me that, while he claims he does it because he is so petrified of the virus, he doesn't have any qualms about leaving it filthy for days at a time. Which, to me, sounds like a much greater risk of getting him sick. Which further plays into, even from his perspective, that there is no rational thought in what he is doing and this is a mental health problem.
I do a dead-on perfect impression of Varuca Salt's British accent in the Willy Wonka movie when she says, "But dah-dee. I want an Oompa-Loompa." Just don't ask me to say anything else with a British accent, lol. It also falls under the bizarre and terrible category.
The husband needs therapy as soon as possible, and LW needs to stop having sex with him until this behavior stops and tell him in no uncertain terms how much this is affecting their relationship. And the fact that he keeps wearing a dirty mask, which will cause its own problems even without him getting COVID, is super gross and makes me wonder whether there's something more going on here than just paranoia about the virus - I can't imagine what, but something.
People were worried about hospitals not having enough ventilators, the reality is, mental health care access has been in crisis for about 25+ years, and this is going to be an "all hands on deck" to get people out of these states of mind! And, help people like LW to not be fearful of as much as you love someone, you sometimes aren't the one to fix them!
My industry has been having CEU's on this for 8-10mo already for when the restrictions are going to be lifted the types of cases that there's going to be an uptick on and preparing for what to do since it's going to almost need to be group work approach because there just aren't the hours in the week to work with that many people on the essentially same issues individually.
LW - Therapy... It's okay to advocate for yourself your needs. Not having intercourse with someone wearing a dirty mask, and not the kinky sort of fun type of way dirty mask, totally reasonable! (bacterial infections anyone?!?!?) Being expected to live the life of a hermit because there's germs outside and never see your friends again, that expectation is kind of a warning sign as well that some hard questions may be on the horizon if LW's H doesn't get some help of their own too. LW - professional help isn't a weakness for either of you!