Wedding Woes

My husband refuses to unmask...ever.

Dear Prudence,

I have been married to a great guy for five and a half years. He is handsome, sexy, funny, and kind. It’s true that he has always been a little “prissy” about illnesses, but I never thought it was a real problem. However, during the pandemic, his terror about getting sick has reached new levels. For the last year, he has refused to take off his face mask, even when we are at home—just the two of us. This is true even now that he is fully vaccinated for the virus. He wears it to sleep, to do most of his bathroom activities, and, yes, even during lovemaking. To eat, he pulls it up to expose his mouth, and then quickly pulls it back down between bites. While he does not insist that I do the same, I can tell it bothers him that I don’t—especially because I have now started going maskless outside, per the CDC guidelines, and plan on restaurant dining inside soon for a girls’ night out.

When I have tried to present him with the science, he says, “Scientists don’t fully understand the virus yet,” or, “I know it probably isn’t necessary, but wearing it doesn’t bother me, so if there’s even a small chance that it can protect us, I’d rather be on the safe side. What’s the harm?”

I disagree that there’s no harm. I want to see my beautiful husband’s face again. I want to kiss him on the lips romantically, like we used to, and not through a piece of fabric. (He does not change his mask very often and it is often smelly and soiled.) And I don’t want to feel judged by him for my own behavior, which I consider reasonable.

This is making me depressed and concerned about our future together. I have asked him when he plans to stop masking, and all he says is “When it is safe for everyone.” What if this becomes a permanent part of him? My mother, who is very conservative, thinks that I should move out. But I don’t think I’m ready for that step yet. What I want is my husband back. How can I get through to him?

—Maskless and Alone

Re: My husband refuses to unmask...ever.

  • I was ready to be all “let the man wear the mask” based of the title, but this is... a lot. 

    If this was just in public I’d say let it be, but in the house, during sex- that’s too much. It sounds like he has some anxiety that could be helped by therapy and possibly meds, but you LW needs to be clear about just how big of a deal this is to her. Sex with a mask on is over the line, for me, and I wouldn’t be doing it. 
  • This is gross.  He's not doing himself any favors by wearing a dirty mask and LW should point that out to him.  Also, stop having sex with him like yesterday.  
  • Like @charlotte989875 I was ready to be like "let him wear a mask" but this sounds like therapy for deeper/bigger issues.

    I'm sure a lot of people got triggered by the pandemic of issues.
  • Agreed @Casadena, it’s gross!  Especially to wear it between bites.

    therapy.

    but also this comment: “When I have tried to present him with the science, he says, “Scientists don’t fully understand the virus yet,” 
    Aren’t people who feel this way anti-vaxxers?  How did he get convinced to get the shot? 

  • Agreed @Casadena, it’s gross!  Especially to wear it between bites.

    therapy.

    but also this comment: “When I have tried to present him with the science, he says, “Scientists don’t fully understand the virus yet,” 
    Aren’t people who feel this way anti-vaxxers?  How did he get convinced to get the shot? 
    That's why it's almost telling me that the H is reaching an anxiety/paranoid level if he's also not understanding that failure to clean his mask means he's risking OTHER issues.

    How this dude even WANTS to engage in coitus is beyond me.  
  • Yes!  I am with some of you that, before I read the letter, thought he wanted to keep wearing his mask in public even though he is vaccinated.  Which, while maybe a little overkill, NBD.

    But wearing it constantly in his own home?  That's an extreme level of anxiety that needs to be addressed with a therapist.  And the irony is not lost on me that, while he claims he does it because he is so petrified of the virus, he doesn't have any qualms about leaving it filthy for days at a time.  Which, to me, sounds like a much greater risk of getting him sick.  Which further plays into, even from his perspective, that there is no rational thought in what he is doing and this is a mental health problem.
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  • LW is kissing him through that dirty mask. No words.
  • I was all ready to be like "let the guy wear his mask" but yeah...this is on another level. And does he really think a dirty mask is protecting him??
  • Seriously @ei34, you and my friend are married to the same STBXH.  I'm sorry, lady.  It's the worst archetype. 
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    @ei34 I need to know, is SBXH from the south - or anywhere where people speak with a twang - or is it a bizarre accent just for his covid defense? 
  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kvruns said:
    @ei34 I need to know, is SBXH from the south - or anywhere where people speak with a twang - or is it a bizarre accent just for his covid defense? 
    Nope! Born in El Salvador but a New Yorker since age three.  The faux-southern accent was an attempt making a point at what a Trumper I am when I’d say the kids deserve to see their grandparents (outdoors!)...all of his antisocial dreams came true the day we were ordered to shelter in place. 
  • ei34 said:
    kvruns said:
    @ei34 I need to know, is SBXH from the south - or anywhere where people speak with a twang - or is it a bizarre accent just for his covid defense? 
    Nope! Born in El Salvador but a New Yorker since age three.  The faux-southern accent was an attempt making a point at what a Trumper I am when I’d say the kids deserve to see their grandparents (outdoors!)...all of his antisocial dreams came true the day we were ordered to shelter in place. 
    That's okay.  My NYC accent sounds bizarre and terrible also, lol.  But then I only use it in private and not to make fun of people.  Usually it's if I hear someone on tv with a really strong one and I'll try to mimic the words they say because it's funny.  Not funny in how they speak, but funny in how it sounds coming out of my mouth.

    I do a dead-on perfect impression of Varuca Salt's British accent in the Willy Wonka movie when she says, "But dah-dee.  I want an Oompa-Loompa."  Just don't ask me to say anything else with a British accent, lol.  It also falls under the bizarre and terrible category.  
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  • If he was just insisting on continuing to wear a mask in public, I'd say to be patient and let him decide when he feels safe ditching it, because it's going to be different for everyone. But even the most COVID-cautious people I know never wore mask in their own house when only other people in their household were present, and certainly not while eating or sleeping. That is really extreme and concerning.

    The husband needs therapy as soon as possible, and LW needs to stop having sex with him until this behavior stops and tell him in no uncertain terms how much this is affecting their relationship. And the fact that he keeps wearing a dirty mask, which will cause its own problems even without him getting COVID, is super gross and makes me wonder whether there's something more going on here than just paranoia about the virus - I can't imagine what, but something. 
    image
  • LW's H is exactly the what industries that specialize in seeing clients/patients for clinical or complimentary care have been prepping for the past 8-10mo for post-covid/pandemic restrictions being lifted and some not being able to transition on their own.  Multiple orgs I'm in have done CEU's on this topic (which have all been interesting perspectives but the reality is, we knew cases like this and worse are coming!  Agoraphobia, OCD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorders, Depression, Addictions, Isolation, Behavioral Regressions, "Covid Stress Response" - there's going to be a lot to unpack for many in an "all hands on deck" reality..)..  LW would be right in suggesting that the H gets in with a therapist of their choosing sooner than later, yes to the PP who suggested couples counseling and potentially an attorney..  Where is the line in the sand - having intercourse with their spouse with a dirty mask on, and not the kinky fun sort of way dirty mask..  NSJS that's probably the tipping point of "there's a problem that needs professional help here.." the levels of LW "It's okay for you to advocate for yourself here!"

    People were worried about hospitals not having enough ventilators, the reality is, mental health care access has been in crisis for about 25+ years, and this is going to be an "all hands on deck" to get people out of these states of mind!  And, help people like LW to not be fearful of as much as you love someone, you sometimes aren't the one to fix them!
  • (somehow the reply I'd typed out disappeared...)..

    My industry has been having CEU's on this for 8-10mo already for when the restrictions are going to be lifted the types of cases that there's going to be an uptick on and preparing for what to do since it's going to almost need to be group work approach because there just aren't the hours in the week to work with that many people on the essentially same issues individually.  

    LW - Therapy...  It's okay to advocate for yourself your needs.  Not having intercourse with someone wearing a dirty mask, and not the kinky sort of fun type of way dirty mask, totally reasonable! (bacterial infections anyone?!?!?)  Being expected to live the life of a hermit because there's germs outside and never see your friends again, that expectation is kind of a warning sign as well that some hard questions may be on the horizon if LW's H doesn't get some help of their own too.  LW - professional help isn't a weakness for either of you!  
  • If he was just insisting on continuing to wear a mask in public, I'd say to be patient and let him decide when he feels safe ditching it, because it's going to be different for everyone. But even the most COVID-cautious people I know never wore mask in their own house when only other people in their household were present, and certainly not while eating or sleeping. That is really extreme and concerning.

    The husband needs therapy as soon as possible, and LW needs to stop having sex with him until this behavior stops and tell him in no uncertain terms how much this is affecting their relationship. And the fact that he keeps wearing a dirty mask, which will cause its own problems even without him getting COVID, is super gross and makes me wonder whether there's something more going on here than just paranoia about the virus - I can't imagine what, but something. 
    I think the virus cannot be prevented by just closing people at home. financial and moral support should be given to people, governments should focus on this issue.


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