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Have you talked to your fiancé?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I met in the U.S., where we both work and live, and plan on getting married this fall. He’s originally from a developing country, where his elderly parents and much of his family still reside and which I’ve visited multiple times (and do enjoy!). An issue that’s repeatedly come up is his desire to move back there within the next few years to take care of his parents. I understand this—they are elderly, older than my local parents, and he misses his culture—but I can’t wrap my head around giving up our house and jobs to go somewhere with terrible infrastructure, shakier politics, and riskier health and safety concerns. Our relationship is otherwise solid, I love him, and I do want to spend the rest of our lives together. I just don’t know what middle ground there is here to get what we both want—without robbing him of time with his parents (they refuse to move here) and without having to force ourselves to start from scratch should we return stateside.

—To Move or Not to Move

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Re: Have you talked to your fiancé?

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    100% @missJeanLouise.  This is a dealbreaker.  Sort this out before saying I do.

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Prudie's advice on this is kind of wild (the last paragraph):

    Dear Move,

    My knee-jerk reaction is that this is a major issue and if you don’t want to live in the same place, you’re simply not compatible and you should call it all off. For most couples, not wanting to live in the same country as your future spouse is a dealbreaker, with no middle-ground options. And a divorce over this conflict, if it comes to that, will be an expensive, emotionally taxing hassle. But that’s easy for me to say, right? I don’t love this guy or want to spend the rest of my life with him. I haven’t put a deposit down on a venue and asked 100 people to send in their favorite songs for the reception playlist. And plus, your question was “to move or not to move?” not “to get married or not get married?”

    So maybe there’s a compromise here. Two years abroad? Three? Could you wait to move until his parents are really in need of help with their daily activities and then move back home and plan to eventually retire abroad? The increased openness to remote work has created a lot of options that didn’t exist before. Maybe your husband could move and you could visit him for long stretches?

    I also have kind of an unconventional idea, which might work if there aren’t any visa issues to deal with. Go ahead and have your wedding, but don’t get legally married. Don’t sign anything. Nobody has to know. Have an understanding that you want to stay together but you’re at an impasse about geography. Then see what happens. Between now and “the next few years,” you might change your mind, he might change his mind, there might be another pandemic that makes moving impossible, or God forbid, his parents could pass away. Hopefully you’ll end up on the same page before decision time, and when you do, you can make your marriage official.  But if you find you can’t agree, do not pack up and leave the country to make him happy. You’ll make yourself miserable, and that defeats the entire purpose of marrying the person you love.


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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow that last paragraph is stupid 
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow. Thank u, next on this week’s Prudie tryouts.

    Ditto @missJeanLouise on figuring this out now and not getting married and figuring it out in 5, 10, 20 years.  Maybe I’m just in a cynical place in my own life but I don’t think marry this guy.  It’s really nice to up end your life to care for a loved one, if one of my parents or kids suddenly took ill I’d 100% take a leave of absence from work for a finite period of time.  But the lack of a plan, at least mentioned here, for returning to the US would make me nervous.
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Figure this out before you marry him.  This is a huge deal.  My sister is in kind of a similar situation.  She and her BF are both from the US but he has no plans and flat out refuses to even entertain the idea to move back here ever.  Totally fine!  But my sis has always had a loose "of course i'm coming back eventually" plan.  Right now they're fine living together and don't feel rushed or pressured to get married or anything, but i think theyd like to eventually.  they definitely will not do that until they can have a better sense of what each is comfortable with down the road in terms of where they live.  
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, New Prudie.  You're advice is even worse than Old Prudie's.

    There needs to be a plan/compromise in place.  A real one that they can both live with and stick to.  If not, then the LW needs to cut their losses now and move on.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Prudie's advise is the suck. 

    LW and the FI need to figure this out now and there should be no marriage until it is.  If the parents need to be taken care of then they can be cared for by those gainfully employed and happy.  
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  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    Prudie's advice on this is kind of wild (the last paragraph):

    Dear Move,

    My knee-jerk reaction is that this is a major issue and if you don’t want to live in the same place, you’re simply not compatible and you should call it all off. For most couples, not wanting to live in the same country as your future spouse is a dealbreaker, with no middle-ground options. And a divorce over this conflict, if it comes to that, will be an expensive, emotionally taxing hassle. But that’s easy for me to say, right? I don’t love this guy or want to spend the rest of my life with him. I haven’t put a deposit down on a venue and asked 100 people to send in their favorite songs for the reception playlist. And plus, your question was “to move or not to move?” not “to get married or not get married?”

    So maybe there’s a compromise here. Two years abroad? Three? Could you wait to move until his parents are really in need of help with their daily activities and then move back home and plan to eventually retire abroad? The increased openness to remote work has created a lot of options that didn’t exist before. Maybe your husband could move and you could visit him for long stretches?

    I also have kind of an unconventional idea, which might work if there aren’t any visa issues to deal with. Go ahead and have your wedding, but don’t get legally married. Don’t sign anything. Nobody has to know. Have an understanding that you want to stay together but you’re at an impasse about geography. Then see what happens. Between now and “the next few years,” you might change your mind, he might change his mind, there might be another pandemic that makes moving impossible, or God forbid, his parents could pass away. Hopefully you’ll end up on the same page before decision time, and when you do, you can make your marriage official.  But if you find you can’t agree, do not pack up and leave the country to make him happy. You’ll make yourself miserable, and that defeats the entire purpose of marrying the person you love.


    what the WHAT.... 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, this Prudie sucks. If you're at an impasse, just push it off and hope it resolves itself. Who needs to actually plan a life and communicate with their spouse? 

    I'd be ok with a short term plan that involves potentially living separate for a short period if that's the compromise to be made, but they need to decide on something before they get married. There are a lot of other middle ground options that don't involve uprooting their lives to move to another country for an indefinite period of time, like long visits with remote work. I'd also be inclined to tell the FILs that if they want their child to be the one to care for them in their last years, they'd have to make some concessions and be the ones to move. 
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