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knottie67c57e7ae72a9fce
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My inlaws to be find me a bad fiance
Context: We have been together for 8 years and have a 1st grader together. We both work full-time, both white collar, he just makes 2x what I make. His mother (single since 9/11 the tragedy, no daughters, blue collar) never really liked me but only talked behind my back. She thinks I "trapped" him with our kid, that I don't cook and clean enough (stuff she has heard from his brother, she never has seen my house being dirty or not eaten my cooked food), that her son does everything in the house (he does the dishes, sweeps and takes out the trash, all of that once a week and due to my back issues he does the laundry but never folds it, I do that, other than I do everything bc he doesn't know how to do the rest), pays for everything (we do 60/40) and that I am too fat to get married to her son.
We just had a huge fight where he relayed this info and now has doubts about getting married and agrees with them. Plus he and they feel that I am not strict enough for my kid.
Basically that I am overall am bad woman.
I am incredibly upset and part of me knows that if we didn't have a kid, I would've left. I deserve to be loved and embraced not bashed and bullied. Our wedding date is this summer, so I feel incredibly sabotaged and embarrassed. His mom was nice to me the past few weeks so I thought our engagement had softened her heart. Now I hear this.
He literally said he doesn't want to be embarrassed, like my size (US 16) is a shameful state to be in wherein you don't deserve to be wedded. I told him to never reveal such fat shaming tactics again and that his family is trying to break up our household. And that I will not be bullied into changing myself. I am slowly losing my pandemic weight and it is not going fast enough according to him.
He said he might be more comfortable if we postponed the wedding and I said if we postpone we break up. For now we are going for it but I am now very anxious that he will leave me at the alter.
What should I do?
UPDATE: I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE. The wedding was cancelled by his family. They went to our house unannounced, while we had never been more busy with work and wedding planning, hence the house was an absolute mess. This confirmed their suspicions and they ambushed me. He did not tell me they were there, I get home and there they are, bashing me to my face. I was called names and humiliated while he watched supposedly he was "overwhelmed". I wish I would have read your messages sooner and left myself. Now the family broke 💔 us up and I have lost my pride. My mother curses the day I met him and my father tells me he is just a horrendous man. The man himself says he felt corned and lashed out by complaining to his family, but he ruined everything long before this incident. We will now go to mediation for our kid and I am going to counselling because of how traumatic all of this was.
At least he admits he hurt a good woman and apologised but I never deserved any of this horse dung nor do I see a future for us. I should have been out of the door after he bullied me, but this is a lesson learned.
We just had a huge fight where he relayed this info and now has doubts about getting married and agrees with them. Plus he and they feel that I am not strict enough for my kid.
Basically that I am overall am bad woman.
I am incredibly upset and part of me knows that if we didn't have a kid, I would've left. I deserve to be loved and embraced not bashed and bullied. Our wedding date is this summer, so I feel incredibly sabotaged and embarrassed. His mom was nice to me the past few weeks so I thought our engagement had softened her heart. Now I hear this.
He literally said he doesn't want to be embarrassed, like my size (US 16) is a shameful state to be in wherein you don't deserve to be wedded. I told him to never reveal such fat shaming tactics again and that his family is trying to break up our household. And that I will not be bullied into changing myself. I am slowly losing my pandemic weight and it is not going fast enough according to him.
He said he might be more comfortable if we postponed the wedding and I said if we postpone we break up. For now we are going for it but I am now very anxious that he will leave me at the alter.
What should I do?
UPDATE: I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE. The wedding was cancelled by his family. They went to our house unannounced, while we had never been more busy with work and wedding planning, hence the house was an absolute mess. This confirmed their suspicions and they ambushed me. He did not tell me they were there, I get home and there they are, bashing me to my face. I was called names and humiliated while he watched supposedly he was "overwhelmed". I wish I would have read your messages sooner and left myself. Now the family broke 💔 us up and I have lost my pride. My mother curses the day I met him and my father tells me he is just a horrendous man. The man himself says he felt corned and lashed out by complaining to his family, but he ruined everything long before this incident. We will now go to mediation for our kid and I am going to counselling because of how traumatic all of this was.
At least he admits he hurt a good woman and apologised but I never deserved any of this horse dung nor do I see a future for us. I should have been out of the door after he bullied me, but this is a lesson learned.
Re: My inlaws to be find me a bad fiance
If he's going to fat-shame you for being a size 16 from pandemic weight or any weight to the point he wants to postpone the wedding because of it, and say stuff like he feels he's trapped because of his son, and you mention that you (silently) instinctually would have left a long time ago (regardless of the reason)... That's a red-flag NOPE! Calling off the wedding is cheaper than paying for a divorce.
There's an old saying "Better to be FROM a broken home than live IN one".. Time to go to family court and get an arrangement drawn up, give him the option to sign away his parental rights if he truly agrees that he's trapped by having a son. Move out, and move on! There's more than one guy in the world, and more importantly, there are lots of hard working men who would cherish you both! (Also, there are guys in this world who will think of you as a skinny hot and let you know as much every time you walk by with a "DAMN!" they're lucky to have you tone like you're on the menu..)
If you both decide you still want to get married, then your chances of succeeding are going to greatly improve with a full course of premarital counseling. But really, ask yourself is the current situation better than a life where you live as the strong woman you are. Only you can decide what your dealbreakers are, but read what you wrote over again, and ask yourself how you'd advise your best friend in this situation and the steps you'd take to help them take with "what's next?".
"knottie67c57e7ae72a9fce said:
You deserve so much better, and you will find it when you stop wasting your time with this piece of shit. This is bordering on abuse and you need to get out.
It will be painful, but getting out now will be a lot less painful and less expensive than divorcing later. You deserve better, your child deserves better.
Because if he was fine with your life together and its seemingly totally reasonable division of labor and his family was able to sway him into being not fine with it, that's a huge problem - he needs to be putting you first. And if he was thinking these things the whole time, then your relationship is based on lies and resentment and you two (or at least he) doesn't know or care how to communicate.
And the fat-shaming thing boils my blood. WTF are any of them thinking.
I am very glad that you know that you deserve better. I think you also know you will not get that from him.
Leave him and find someone who appreciates you like you deserve.
I always wanted a nuclear family and that is the only reason why I haven't left even now...
This is hard, but it will be better for you and for your child in the long run. You deserve happiness.