I've been this friend and you have to choose your boundaries.

Re: I've been this friend and you have to choose your boundaries.

• CharmedPam member

  

  July 2021 edited July 2021

  This has always been tough for me. I have a friend like this but in a 10+ sour relationship who refuses to kick her guy out… there’s legit nothing I can say that will make her do it, so now I’m just support for her.  She complains about him daily.  To bad there’s nothing she can do about it (sarcastic). 

  
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  July 2021 edited July 2021

  My friend who's in the middle of her divorce has filed and withdrawn her divorce petition at least 3 or 4 times before it stuck this time.  It made me batty, but I just pulled back from her because I couldn't do it.  Her H knows I absolutely hate his guts. We didn't talk for nearly a year at one point.  I have only seen her once in the last 4-5 years and that was when she invited me to go to CA in 2019 on her sales trip.  We talk several times a week via FB messenger right now.  I invite her to things we have going on with the knowledge that until he's out of the house, she's not likely to show. 
  
  It sucks, but LW is coming from a place of trying to control friend's situation and they can't. There's not amount of telling her he sucks that's going to change anything until friend wants it to change. 

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2021

  AH like this will be divisive and pull her away.  I agree you need to choose boundaries and also need to figure out what kind of friend and if you want to be that friend.   You can share your opinions but it sounds like doing that is going to drive her away.  Be careful if that's your goal. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  July 2021

  It sucks. Figure out what is a deal breaker for you first and stick to it. But it sounds like this is a toxic and potentially emotionally abusive relationship which are truly so difficult to leave. Be there for what you can and keep communication open if you can. 

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• VarunaTT member

  

  July 2021

  I lost a friendship over something similar.  I was very sad to lose it, but I couldn't be there for her with this relationship.  The friend reached out, weirdly, when I was going through my divorce and we've reconnected.  She didn't stay married to the douchelord very long, but it still took time for her to reach out to me.
  
  You just have to choose what you're able/willing to do and be willing to deal with the consequences.

  �

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• short+sassy member

  

  July 2021

  Overall, I think the LW should stay out of it other than to be emotional support.  BUT, she should make a copy of that letter and give it to her friend.  Saying something like, "I'm not going to nag you about this guy.  You know how I feel about him, but I don't want to lose our friendship over that.  However, here are your words.  You asked me to remind you of this, if you all got back together."
  
  In college, I lost my BFF because her abusive b/f didn't like me.  We reconnected about 2 years after that, which was about a year after they had broken up.
  
  Then I moved halfway across the country and our friendship slowly waned over the years, but I still made sure to meet up with her whenever I was back home in CA and it was always like no time had gone by.
  
  Then another abusive man...President Trump...put a major wedge in our friendship that I don't think can ever be mended.  We never had a fight about it.  But there's just been so much hate and ignorance on her FB page, that I can't see her as the same person anymore.

  

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