Do you want to say "I tried it" or be thinking "What if?"

Re: Do you want to say "I tried it" or be thinking "What if?"

• CharmedPam member

  

  July 2021

  It sounds like LW is moving for a non relationship. They just confessed feelings so far, nothing serious right?
  
  if your ok with moving ANYway and you wanted to - yes.
  if you like where you live/where you’re at in life, and didn’t want to then my answer is no.
  
  sounds like LW is ok with trying something new though. If they don’t work out there’s 49 other states they could try?
  

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2021

  I guess I don't see the point unless there are opportunities that are a plenty in that spot.  If you don't feel like this is the person for you then I am not "getting" why you'd move across the country for something that's not equal and would be concerned that by doing it you're sending mixed messages.  If you DID you need to be clear about your emotional investment into the relationship. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  July 2021

  Why not take an extended vacation and see what job opportunities, meet-ups, activities there are before making a decision to move? The grass might be greener, you might find you can’t stand Tom, you have a hard time finding a job or hobbies, or hate the climate. Why does it have to be all or nothing from the jump? 

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  July 2021

  If possible, LW could move there on their own (separate apartment) and see how it goes. That way they could casually date "Tom" and have a friend in the new city while not being dependent on him. Tbh though, wanting someone to move with you before dating them is a red flag to me.

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  July 2021

  Wait are they even dating? It’s a massive red flag to be like “hi, I like you, move to my home town” without first trying out one date, and another, and then several more. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  July 2021

  Did someone just write my life story, lol?  I did something very similar to this in my early 20s.  In the end, turned out that guy wasn't my soulmate, but I also hadn't moved just for him.  That move was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  So I'm much more on the "Yeah!  Go for it!" train.  With some major caveats.
  
  Here's the best plan:
  

  1. The "impression" is that Tom has deeper feelings.  But impressions can be wrong.  Either way, let Tom know you're interested in dating and seeing where things go.  Then start dating him before he leaves.
  2. Assuming you all are still interested in each other when he moves away, then plan to visit him.  Preferably for at least 2-4 weeks, if that is possible with work and/or WFH for some of that time.  Walk around different neighborhoods of the city.  Really try to get a feel for what it would be like to LIVE there.  Not just visit.
  3. If/when you decide you want to move there, ask yourself this question, "If I move there and then Tom and I have a huge break-up shortly thereafter, would I be sorry I moved?"  If the answer is "yes", then don't move there or give it more time.
  4. But if the answer is, "No, I think I'd still be glad I moved."  Then move!  Fun!  But DO NOT MOVE IN WITH TOM.  Get your own place.
  5. Be your own person in your new city first.  Establish your own routine and independence.  Your own group of friends.

  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  July 2021

  If you've been wanting to move just to move for a while and haven't settled on a city, I guess Tom is as good a reason as good BBQ or decent walkability. But no, you shouldn't move for a guy you're not even dating and only started talking to this past weekend.
  
  Under no circumstances should you move in with Tom. I would wait until he moves, then go visit after he's settled in and check out some neighborhoods. If you're really interested in him and not just using him as an excuse to go someplace, maybe stay long distance for a year and then decide if he's worth moving for. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  July 2021

  MyNameIsNot said:

  If you've been wanting to move just to move for a while and haven't settled on a city, I guess Tom is as good a reason as good BBQ or decent walkability. But no, you shouldn't move for a guy you're not even dating and only started talking to this past weekend.
  
  Under no circumstances should you move in with Tom. I would wait until he moves, then go visit after he's settled in and check out some neighborhoods. If you're really interested in him and not just using him as an excuse to go someplace, maybe stay long distance for a year and then decide if he's worth moving for. 

  For me, I'd narrowed it down to Raleigh-Durham, Charleston, or New Orleans.  I'd already visited all three of those places, but was already leaning to NOLA.  Then I met a super hot NOLA guy that was so much fun to hang out with.  I couldn't help but choose this city after that!
  
  We were long distance, but not exclusive, for about five months.  Then we were more serious and exclusive for another 5 months.  He came to visit me twice and I visited him (for three weeks) in those 10 months.  Then I moved to NOLA.  But into my own apartment. 
  
  We went out for two more years after I moved here.  I haven't spoken to him in over 20 years, but I appreciate he was the last little push I needed to get out of my comfort zone..  Plus knowing him made a softer landing for me in my new city. 

  

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