Disappointed I was asked to be a Personal Attendant for my brother's wedding (XP)

Re: Disappointed I was asked to be a Personal Attendant for my brother's wedding (XP)

• climbingsingle member

  

  July 2021

  knottie6e41b1f1c51a9ccc said:

  Hey guys! I really wanted to make a post to see if I'm out of line in my thoughts and how I've been feeling concerning this situation. I've been second guessing myself and keeping everything in because I don't want to ruffle any feathers.
  
  My brother and his fiancé got engaged at the beginning of this year and will be getting married in a few months, so they're quickly getting things in order, and I was so excited to find out their upcoming wedding date.
  
  My brother and I are very close... I'm his only sibling and we used to talk about everything together, and we've always gotten along so well. My brother came over last month to let my family and I know he was having his best man be a friend that's a girl (a girl I used to be friends with). I was a bit shocked as they didn't know each other for very long, but I quickly overlooked it seeing as how it's his wedding! He also got me excited by saying he'd like my husband and I to be in the wedding party. I was completely honored already, and he told me my future SIL had to just figure out the color scheme and pick out dresses and then they'd like to formally ask us over dinner.
  
  Fast forward, a couple of days ago my husband and I attend a dinner with them and I am excited for this time with them. I also couldn't wait to hear more of the details about their wedding. My brother starts and turns to my husband and asks him to be one of his groomsmen in such a sweet way and my husband happily accepts. Then there's a loooong pause lol. My Future SIL turns to me and says "I'd like you to be one of my personal attendants". I didn't know what that was. My heart sank. She then proceeded to say the color she'd like me in and I could pick "whatever", which ok that's cool. Unfortunately, I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid, and she proceeded to excitedly show me the bridesmaid dresses which were beautiful. So I awkwardly went through the bridesmaid dresses with her on her phone. I really just wanted to get out of there so I could google what a personal attendant was lol.
  
  We end the dinner and thank them for their time and having included us. I get to the car and I'm pretty disappointed, and to add to that disappointment... I google "personal attendant at wedding". I was in tears. I felt like it was a consolation prize because I clearly was not in line to be a bridesmaid.
  
  I do want to say, I in no way would ever want to tell people who they should have in a wedding party or what they should have their wedding be like. I've been distraught because I assumed I would have been a bridesmaid or groomsmen. Now, I have been silent on this and keep feeling so awful thinking my husband, whom my brother hardly knows, and a girl I used to be friends with will be at his wedding as groomsmen and best man... kicker, the bride's only brother will also be a groomsmen. And I'll be a personal attendant? 
  
  Please let me know your thoughts, and if I'm overreacting. I feel a bit disappointed in my brother and I don't even know if I'm justified. I'm just feeling extremely hurt.
  
  Thanks guys!
  

  I'd be disappointed too, and I think it's totally OK that you feel that way. I'm not super familiar with a personal attendant - I've never heard of one at any of the weddings I've been to. But I think it's mostly just helping the bride out during the day of the wedding? 
  
  So I think your feelings are totally valid. Have a margarita and a cupcake, and let yourself feel sad. But then try to put it aside and move on. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  July 2021

  I'm so sorry, OP!  You absolutely have a right to be disappointed.  Your brother and his FI handled all of this really poorly.
  
  A "personal attendant" is a made-up role.  She didn't need to ask you to be a BM, which you seem to totally understand.  But it's even more insulting that, since she didn't want you to be a BM, her and your brother created this fake role to "include you" in the WP.
  
  I also understand that you are the most disappointed that your brother didn't ask you to be in his WP.
  
  If I were you, I'd also talk to the bride and ask her what she expects of you.  I personally would be cool with something like hanging out with and getting ready together that morning.  But if it is any kind of bs like fetching stuff and waiting on her, I'd reply back with, "Thank you for asking me, but I would prefer to be a guest."
  
  Brides also do not get to dictate the colors that guests or "personal attendants" wear. 

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2021

  I agree with the PPs. You're right that it is disappointing to be asked to be a "personal attendant" rather than a wedding party member. I would find out what that entails before agreeing or not agreeing either way. If it involves being what amounts to an unpaid slave for the bride, especially if she tries to dictate your attire, I would gracefully bow out: "Thanks for trying to include me, but just being a guest at the wedding will make me feel included. That's what I'd prefer."
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  July 2021

  Your feelings are your feelings, own them, and don't let the day be marred by them.  It's okay for you after finding out what a Personal Attendant is to call up your brother (blood talks to blood) and say "Hey - after researching what a personal attendant actually is - I'm going to respectfully decline!" and leave it at that, if he presses for more say "it's just not my thing.." 
  
  Having been through the left out sibling dynamic - go out, purchase a delicious dessert for one, pour yourself your favorite beverage, put on a good movie, and have a proper "pity party for one" because expectations vs. reality, this sucks, but own your own feeling!  That doesn't mean you take it out on your brother or voice it with other family members, it just means you're giving yourself your chance to work through the feeling to move on from it, and that moving on is going to be considering buying something in the specified color/style was going to cost you big, being a BM/GW would have been another $2k or more, and now, you get to show up to the wedding, have a blast as a guest, and not lift a dang finger as the bride's personal servant - oops - I mean "personal attendant" unless you want to help out.  Bless their hearts for asking, you to be her personal attendant, but not your gig is entirely okay!!!

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• maine7mob member

  

  July 2021

  I would be hurt, too. Personal attendant is a BS role, so it would be fine to decline, as long as you do it gracefully, as the posts above suggest.
  
  But if you don't want your brother and SIL's snub (and that is what this is!) of you to ruin your relationship going forward, you need to talk to your brother alone and clear the air. You can say something like "I know how hard it is to choose a wedding party, and I'm not entitled to anything, but I want you to know how hurt I was at the role I was offered. It's important to me that you understand how I feel so that we can move forward without resentment." And then--and this is the hard part!--let it go. It doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say at this point. If you want to keep being good friends with your brother, you're going to have to find a way to forgive him. This sucks and I'm sorry.

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