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"This is not up for discussion. Stop the comments or our time will be over."

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My parents think my husband and I are alcoholics: My parents have expressed over the years both when I was single and while with my husband that we have a drinking problem. We are both very successful in our careers and have a 7-month-old daughter of course I was sober for the entire pregnancy). The comments dimmed down a few years ago but are now coming back. We are very responsible parents and enjoy drinking every now and then, and when we are with family, we are not working and enjoy a few drinks and each other’s company. The passive-aggressive comments that we have a “drinking problem” has become too much recently. It is really starting to get to my husband where he does not feel comfortable around my family and just wishes we could have an honest conversation about it. He has also approached my mom, and she is even more avoidant with him. What do we do?

— We’re Not Drunks!

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Re: "This is not up for discussion. Stop the comments or our time will be over."

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 2021
    LW, you and your H are fully grown adults with your own house and family.  There is no reason you need to put up with your family's constant BS on this matter to the point where your H is uncomfortable. 

    Furthermore, you have a baby that will become a child that will see and hear this behavior as well.  Do you want your daughter to be around people who will be rude to her parents and maybe even her? 

    If you don't feel your relationship with alcohol is a problem, then say that and close the discussion.  If they don't stop, then leave or ask them to go.  You're going to have to make a point/take a stand to show them this is non-negotiable.  

    I can't tell if your family is a bunch of teetotalers or if they have a valid concern.  I lean toward the latter since it's pithy under-breath comments. 

    If you feel there may be some truth to their concerns, that's for you to figure out.  But you need to separate that from this situation.  This is a matter of protecting your H, daughter, and yourself from your family's toxic BS. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Blood talks to blood, but that means you need to talk. LW, it sounds like you've just avoided and shrugged off these comments for years, and it hasn't worked. It's time for a direct conversation. "Mom, you keep making comments about our drinking. We are not alcoholics and won't tolerate these snide remarks." And then hang up the phone/walk out of the room when it happens again. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @CharmedPam, I was thinking of you while reading this letter, lol, "Hmmm...those parents sound like Pam's ex-b/f."

    The LW's H wishes they could have an honest conversation with her parents, so that is what they should do.  But with the LW leading the conversation, since they are her parents.  Even if the LW/H don't agree with the parents, it might be helpful to have an open conversation about WHY the parents feel there is a drinking problem.

    I suspect it might be something as simple as, to the parents, having more than one drink in the same sitting is a "drinking problem" and the LW/H think that is fine.  Not "simple" as in "simple to solve", but at least a starting place to understand what is going on.

    The passive-aggressive looks and comments need to stop, so that boundary needs to be put in place.  But hopefully that is easier to do if everyone understands the difference in opinions.
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:
    @CharmedPam, I was thinking of you while reading this letter, lol, "Hmmm...those parents sound like Pam's ex-b/f."
    I also worked with someone who judged all our co-workers who drank at company dinners. She had one glass of wine (two if she was letting loose) and anyone who drank more than that were “alcoholics”.

    Look, if you’re a non drinker, one drinker or two - that’s fine.  More power to you. I commend you for any reaaon you chose not to drink.   But don’t judge those who do.  I’m also a bigger person by nature.  Not a light weight. So 2 drinks for me won’t hit someone as hard as someone smaller than myself.  

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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My parents do this to me as well. My dad is an alcoholic and has been sober for 30+ years now. They both, but especially my mom, judge my drinking. My mom counts my drinks and I can see my dad side-eyeing my second glass of wine. I finally had to tell them both that if they couldn't keep their thoughts to themselves, that I just wouldn't be around them. 
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