Thank you for everything who answered

hannahcooper1333 · August 2021

Thank you. I realize that I was the selfish one, due to responses. Thanks to advice I will continue to make sure she knows she welcome to all events but I will not be planning around her as much as well.

ei34 · August 2021

hannahcooper1333 said:

What should I do? I asked my maid of honor to be my maid of honor awhile ago. It’s important to mention that I discussed first with her her plans for trying for a baby. She told me her plans were to start trying with her husband two months before the wedding. So she would possibly be pregnant but at max two months pregnant. Which was fine. Well then i guess due to Covid they decided to try earlier. And now her due date is just a few weeks before my wedding. I’ve mentioned time and time again that I don’t want kids at my wedding, especially newborns. Which makes me feel super selfish but I just really don’t want a crying baby. So she told me not to worry that baby wouldn’t be at the wedding. I offered to have her step down at MOH since her due date was so soon and I understood and she said no. But then when mentioning in a conversation about how we are getting ready at the resort she mentioned that wasn’t possible due to having to be near the baby at the hotel. So I had to change those plans, then she mentioned that whenever the baby needs to eat the person who’s watching him will bring him to the wedding for her to nurse. Because she only wants him to get feed from her so early on. Which means the baby will be at my wedding. Then at the bachelorette party it was all about her. She’s 4-5 months now, and we had to push her in a wheelchair due to her pregnancy and she even took the best room in the Airbnb claiming she should have it cause she’s pregnant. And that she couldn’t share the room because she’s pregnant. On top of that her husband called me a cussed me out screaming at me when she accidentally took my car keys so I asked her to miss her flight to bring them back to me, because the rest of the girls drove but she flew because she was pregnant and we were stranded without my keys. I’m so happy for my friend that she’s having a baby, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. But I’m really thinking of asking her to step down. Even just as a bridesmaid instead of MOH. Is this selfish? What should I do?

There’s a lot of entitlement here. No one ever gets a say in when someone else conceives or tries to conceive, so I find the whole conversation you two had in sentences 3-4 really bizarre.

Everyone is different but I had all my kids a few weeks early and was in no condition (physically, emotionally) to attend a wedding from like 35 weeks pregnant- 8 weeks postpartum. Acknowledge that your friend may not be at your wedding. I’d recommend not asking her to step down (then you look like the bad guy), and acknowledging her in some way at your wedding if she isn’t present, she can still be the MOH in spirit. You may not like this, but in general, newborns and nursing infants are typically the exception to the rule at kid-free weddings.

Semi-unrelated but I wouldn’t overly involve her in future pre-wedding events (bridal shower, RD) because it does sound like she’s milking her pregnancy a bit and being inconsiderate of others. Whoever plans those events, I’d just invite her as a guest.

banana468 · August 2021

hannahcooper1333 said:

What should I do? I asked my maid of honor to be my maid of honor awhile ago. It’s important to mention that I discussed first with her her plans for trying for a baby. She told me her plans were to start trying with her husband two months before the wedding. So she would possibly be pregnant but at max two months pregnant. Which was fine. Well then i guess due to Covid they decided to try earlier. And now her due date is just a few weeks before my wedding. I’ve mentioned time and time again that I don’t want kids at my wedding, especially newborns. Which makes me feel super selfish but I just really don’t want a crying baby. So she told me not to worry that baby wouldn’t be at the wedding. I offered to have her step down at MOH since her due date was so soon and I understood and she said no. But then when mentioning in a conversation about how we are getting ready at the resort she mentioned that wasn’t possible due to having to be near the baby at the hotel. So I had to change those plans, then she mentioned that whenever the baby needs to eat the person who’s watching him will bring him to the wedding for her to nurse. Because she only wants him to get feed from her so early on. Which means the baby will be at my wedding. Then at the bachelorette party it was all about her. She’s 4-5 months now, and we had to push her in a wheelchair due to her pregnancy and she even took the best room in the Airbnb claiming she should have it cause she’s pregnant. And that she couldn’t share the room because she’s pregnant. On top of that her husband called me a cussed me out screaming at me when she accidentally took my car keys so I asked her to miss her flight to bring them back to me, because the rest of the girls drove but she flew because she was pregnant and we were stranded without my keys. I’m so happy for my friend that she’s having a baby, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. But I’m really thinking of asking her to step down. Even just as a bridesmaid instead of MOH. Is this selfish? What should I do?

Yes. Yes it's selfish to ask her to step down.

I never "get" the concept of people who don't want crying babies at weddings. At the newborn stage the kids are generally quieter and less noisy.

That said, I think your friend is unrealistic. Can you help me understand why she's in a wheelchair? Is it a particularly problematic pregnancy? How did she wind up with your keys and why was her H involved and swearing at you? This doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'll be honest that most people think they'll be doing things when they're 2 weeks post partum and when I was that far along I wore pajamas all day unless the kiddo had a doctor appointment. But everyone is different.

Here's what I think you need to do: Put the ball in her court. If she's there it's great and if she's not she's a maid of honor in absentia. There is no good at all that comes from "asking her to step down" from an honorary role. It only serves to hurt her feelings, the feelings of anyone else that you want to promote ("Congratulations!! You're second best!!") and makes you the bride look selfish. Instead - tell her that as a new mom, she can play it by ear and figure it out.

If she's nursing, the baby is going to eat constantly. It's often every 2 hours and sometimes more. It's just easier to have the baby with you the entire time. It would be a non-working situation to have to have her run away to feed the baby and I think the goal of doing that is a sign that this is her first rodeo. But the good news is that a lot of babies just sleep and nuzzle and you don't see them. I had my son with me at a wedding when he was 5 wks old. No one knew that he was there until he came out from under the nursing cover.

hannahcooper1333 · August 2021

I completely get why you called me entitled and you can get that through the quick summary that I provided. But I want it noted that I am not mad at all she decided to try earlier, you’re completely right that that is her choice and I have no say nor do I want a say in it. I just wanted it noted that I asked her to be MOH WAY before I knew her due date would be two weeks before my wedding. And that this was 5 months ago now, I didn’t even consider this until she began making me change all my wedding plans for her pregnancy. Because though I’m excited for her, I hate that I am now having to plan my day around her. That’s why I was conflicted with my feelings vs hers. So thank you for your input!

hannahcooper1333 · August 2021

Oh and to respond to the questions. No it’s not a problematic pregnancy but she said her feet were hurting due to the pregnancy and had us push her in a wheelchair. And she grabbed my keys on accident when leaving in the morning. When realizing and asking her to bring them back I instead got a phone call from her husband cussing me out and screaming at me, telling me to get off my lazy ass and Uber to get the keys so that she doesn’t have to miss her flight.

banana468 · August 2021

I can see that it would make sense for you to go to her vs. her to go to you. That said, the swearing of the H while rude is not a maid of honor problem. It IS a situation that you can address later directly but it's not part of the MOH situation.

She may be a bit selfish with some of this. But even with that, just play off the things that she needs in that moment. That can mean things like telling her that if she doesn't want to get ready with all of you that morning she's welcome to join you just before the ceremony. You don't need to reschedule all your plans for her but you CAN tell her there is no issue if she's not able to make it to something that you schedule.

The difference there is that by changing everything that she requests (like getting ready locations) she's dictating how things will run for your wedding. But by saying that you completely understand if she wants to be with the baby in a more intimate environment and can join you later it tells her that you aren't changing your plans but are flexible to her needs.

climbingsingle · August 2021

Wow. I just...how old are you? Seriously.

My SIL is currently pregnant, and having a very tough pregnancy at that. We went away this summer and I absolutely gave her first pick of the rooms so she'd be comfortable. I can't even imagine getting upset about this.

Your friend didn't need to run anything by you as far as her timeline for having a baby. And it seems like your main concern is trying to ban this baby from your wedding. I dont' even know what to say. This is such a sad post.

hannahcooper1333 · August 2021

Thank you for responding. I’m sorry if you find my post sad. This is why I made the post to discuss with other my feelings, and to make sure I made the right choice. Everyone around me keeps telling me to ask her to step down, but it just felt selfish. But at the same time I feel it is important to be a little selfish on your wedding day. So I was trying to ask for others opinions. Thank you for yours.

hannahcooper1333 · August 2021

Thank you! This is great advice. I struggle saying no to people and wanted to accommodate her so much that I was changing all my plans for her. You’re right I should find an important in between. Thank you!

climbingsingle · August 2021

hannahcooper1333 said:

Oh and to respond to the questions. No it’s not a problematic pregnancy but she said her feet were hurting due to the pregnancy and had us push her in a wheelchair. And she grabbed my keys on accident when leaving in the morning. When realizing and asking her to bring them back I instead got a phone call from her husband cussing me out and screaming at me, telling me to get off my lazy ass and Uber to get the keys so that she doesn’t have to miss her flight.

I mean, this is a more reasonable solution than her missing her flight. How ridiculous.

MyNameIsNot · August 2021

climbingsingle said:

Wow. I just...how old are you? Seriously.

My SIL is currently pregnant, and having a very tough pregnancy at that. We went away this summer and I absolutely gave her first pick of the rooms so she'd be comfortable. I can't even imagine getting upset about this.

Your friend didn't need to run anything by you as far as her timeline for having a baby. And it seems like your main concern is trying to ban this baby from your wedding. I dont' even know what to say. This is such a sad post.

I was thinking the same thing. You're both acting like spoiled teenagers.

It doesn't sound like you care much about her or even like her at all. Ending the relationship seems like the best option here.

hannahcooper1333 · August 2021

Hi! Her airport was a hour away from the Airbnb. By time I noticed the keys were missing we only had an hour till checkout. This is why this wasn’t possible. She had time to get to us but we didn’t have time to get to her and back. But I don’t think in any situation is it okay to have your husband call and cuss out. This was as soon as we realized the keys were missing. After time to figure out a plan my bridal party canceled our breakfast reservation and called Airbnb for an extension for the day without paying for another day Luckily they allowed us to do this so we were able to get my keys and she didn’t miss her flight. The point of mentioning it was to mention that I am not comfortable around her husband due to the aggression of the call and other factors around him.

geebee908 · August 2021

hannahcooper1333 said:

Hi! Her airport was a hour away from the Airbnb. By time I noticed the keys were missing we only had an hour till checkout. This is why this wasn’t possible. She had time to get to us but we didn’t have time to get to her and back. But I don’t think in any situation is it okay to have your husband call and cuss out. This was as soon as we realized the keys were missing. After time to figure out a plan my bridal party canceled our breakfast reservation and called Airbnb for an extension for the day without paying for another day Luckily they allowed us to do this so we were able to get my keys and she didn’t miss her flight. The point of mentioning it was to mention that I am not comfortable around her husband due to the aggression of the call and other factors around him.

I could see why her husband was upset with you (although he was in the wrong to lash out at you). She didn't have time to get to you and back to the airport without missing her flight; she would have been in a far worse position than you, in my opinion.

I'm glad it worked out in the end, at no cost to you, but it does point up the selfish perspective that your first thought was that it would be better for her to come to you and miss her flight than for you to go to her and have someone wait with the luggage and the car outside the Airbnb if an extension wasn't available to you.

banana468 · August 2021

geebee908 said:

hannahcooper1333 said:

Hi! Her airport was a hour away from the Airbnb. By time I noticed the keys were missing we only had an hour till checkout. This is why this wasn’t possible. She had time to get to us but we didn’t have time to get to her and back. But I don’t think in any situation is it okay to have your husband call and cuss out. This was as soon as we realized the keys were missing. After time to figure out a plan my bridal party canceled our breakfast reservation and called Airbnb for an extension for the day without paying for another day Luckily they allowed us to do this so we were able to get my keys and she didn’t miss her flight. The point of mentioning it was to mention that I am not comfortable around her husband due to the aggression of the call and other factors around him.

I could see why her husband was upset with you (although he was in the wrong to lash out at you). She didn't have time to get to you and back to the airport without missing her flight; she would have been in a far worse position than you, in my opinion.

I'm glad it worked out in the end, at no cost to you, but it does point up the selfish perspective that your first thought was that it would be better for her to come to you and miss her flight than for you to go to her and have someone wait with the luggage and the car outside the Airbnb if an extension wasn't available to you.

Agree about the flight situation too.

Airports are an absolute pain right now and you likely can get leniency w/ the Air BNB if you state that there was a need to postpone your checkout. You're not going to get the TSA to scoot you through fast or get Delta to hold your plane. A quick phone call and I can get my checkout time extended.

charlotte989875 · August 2021

Make your plans and invite her; if they work for her- great! If they don’t that’s fine too. It sounds like you’re being a little selfish here and it sounds like she’s being a little dramatic (although my answer would change if she’s having a tough pregnancy or if you’re asking her to walk around/ be super active and not have the ability to sit and rest).

Also expecting her to be getting ready with you, at the ceremony, pictures, and the reception without the baby or without needing to stop and pump is unrealistic and unfair. A two week old baby is likely to sleep though the entire ceremony and you probably won’t know they are there.

maine7mob · August 2021

Glad you took the time to come back and post. And I may have said this elsewhere but my daughter was a bridesmaid in a wedding 10 days after giving birth to her son. She had to guess at the size she'd be when she ordered her dress, and it didn't come in until she was 6 months pregnant. (I helped her tape up the hem right before she left for the wedding.) The bride was very gracious about all of this and her attitude really put my daughter at ease. I think she would have bowed out if the bride hadn't been so kind.

And yes, the baby absolutely went to the wedding, too. Babies that little do not make a whole lot of noise. They just sleep and eat and need to be changed. That is literally it. This is not a noisy toddler with attitude we're talking about. She will just need someone to hold her baby while she is standing up with you, and that's it. If she's breastfeeding and the dress doesn't allow for it, she'll need to disappear every hour or so to feed her child, so be patient with that. Breastfeeding is rough for first time moms and most don't feel competent at all.

Thank you for everything who answered

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