Where is Tuesday?

kerbohl · August 2021

I think my parents are naming both children and grandchildren in their will, if I'm not mistaken. They've mentioned it. And my mom's already divvied up the jewelry between me and my sister so we know who will get what. I sense my brother will be that "sentimental" person that just grabs everything because everything just means so much to him.

MissKittyDanger · August 2021

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Answering a few q's

- paternal grandmother
- will was changed after my dad passed to remove him
- I definitely would not take it personally, I've already noted some items I wanted back

I've never been in a position where there could even be an inheritance possibility - in our family it was always stuff as inheritance.

That's often the case especially if the deceased lived to an older age and needed long term care.

Long term care in the US is $ and often wipes out savings due to its cost.

It's not cheap here either $:\$ M's grandfather might be going into a retirement/nursing home soon and the cost isn't small.

My nana's apartment wasn't cleared and sold until well after she passed. She was mostly in hospital from end of November until she passed in January but otherwise lived at home

mrsconn23 · August 2021

I am so soured on inheritance and 'stuff' that could be passed down because of FIL's family's way of dealing with their dad's death. DH's grandfather had some money (not like 10's of millions, but maybe a couple...however no one really knows). He put it in a trust that's controlled by DH's stepgrandma and a lawyer. DH's stepgrandma has kept grandfather's business going and is continuing to put money in the trust.

FIL and his siblings are all mad on some level that they didn't get their inheritance when their dad died. It has been a sore subject for years. Money and the trust comes up at some point during every family gathering. There was a ton of talk about it when we were in the Ozarks and some of it was quite offensive. I'm to the point that I hope DH's stepgrandma drains the damn thing to show them, but she won't. Of course now that FIL's brother died and his share will got to DH's cousin (since it's a blood trust), they have opinions on what DH's cousin should do with the money.

Also, FIL apparently wanted some rocking chair and told his dad years ago (like more than a decade) that he wanted it. FIL's dad died of brain cancer and also, it sounds like it was a passing conversation anyway. Apparently, stepgrandma gave the chair to DH's cousin after his first baby was born. FIL went apoplectic and I almost had to kick him out of my house for how he treated stepgrandma (this was Christmas 2019...so I was in the height of being a hot mess due to what was going on in my life). I thought they'd worked it out, but I found out that this past May that DH's cousin, who's second baby was days away from being born, gave the chair to FIL. Apparently, he never let it go. When I found out, I was so full of rage. I don't even want to see the chair.

We also watched a lot of shit go down with my grandma's estate and there was some nastiness and harsh words. It was agreed between my sisters and me after seeing it go down that we'd never let that shit happen.

My sisters and I all split mom's stuff quite evenly and without a fight. Even though the kiddo is technically the oldest, I had no issue with older sis keeping mom's engagement ring for my oldest nephew. If he doesn't use or want it, it will come to my kids. We also agreed to split up her anniversary band and mother's ring and each take a ruby to make matching pendants that we all wear daily now.

Because of all the shit I've seen, I definitely have a POV that until there's someone there to hand me a check or tell me I am bequeathed something, I'm relying on only myself and DH to be set for anything in the future.

banana468 · August 2021

MissKittyDanger said:

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Answering a few q's

- paternal grandmother
- will was changed after my dad passed to remove him
- I definitely would not take it personally, I've already noted some items I wanted back

I've never been in a position where there could even be an inheritance possibility - in our family it was always stuff as inheritance.

That's often the case especially if the deceased lived to an older age and needed long term care.

Long term care in the US is $ and often wipes out savings due to its cost.

It's not cheap here either $:\$ M's grandfather might be going into a retirement/nursing home soon and the cost isn't small.

My nana's apartment wasn't cleared and sold until well after she passed. She was mostly in hospital from end of November until she passed in January but otherwise lived at home

The care for DH's grandmother started in 2005 and ended when she passed in 2014 . It depleted all her $ that she had from the sale of her home which was well over $500K and she was ultimately on Title 19 at the end.

@mrsconn23 I'm seeing it now with DH's grandmother's passing. It's not about the $ but there are sentimental things and family artwork.

There are a lot of emotions on how they *think* assets should be distributed but the will lays it out clearly. Add to that MIL's rather salty relationship with FIL's sister and shit got stirred. DH is also irritated because he thinks his mom baited a conversation that stirred up more drama that was already at the surface.

short+sassy · August 2021

TBH, these topics always bring up bad feelings for me that I'm usually able to ignore. Sorry in advance for some of my deep, sad feels.

My mom has, at various times, talked to me about her will/assets and what can be expected. She is so worried my sister and I will fight about things after her death. Not that this is either of our personalities, but just because she has seen that play out so many times with others. She clams it's so important to her that everything is equal.

And I just have to bite my tongue because most of our lives (mine and my sister) have never been like that. She has always given my sister substantially more financial help than she has ever given me. Especially after my sister had children. I don't expect her estate to be anything different, though she's never said anything that jumps out. Ironically, with my medical condition and how long her own mother has lived, she may not pre-decease me anyway. I don't want to die on the younger side, but at least the silver lining would be I won't have my feelings hurt about how, even in her final wishes, she favored my sister.

It's such complex feelings. I know my mom would be deeply hurt if she knew that was how I felt, so I've never said anything. Plus, of course, it's her money and she can do what she wants with it. And she's helped me also when I needed it, so it's not entirely one-sided. I also know she doesn't think she's treated us unfairly, though I can't understand how she doesn't see it.

It's bizarre to me sometimes how I've ended up here. I had an idyllic childhood with great parents. We were a close family. The chasms started when I was in high school, but that's totally normal. Except they never got better. They just got wider. Some of it because that's when the favoritism toward my sister started. I don't know how to let go of hurt and grudges. It's one of the biggest things I wish I could change about myself, because I would be an even happier person if I could just let things go and not have them haunt me.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2021

Wills and death can bring out the worse in people. When my parents died (they divorced when I was 15) there wasn't a whole lot monetarily but some money. There were sentimental things. My Mom left a lot (sentimental things) to me because my brother wasn't very responsible at that time, and she was afraid he would sell family stuff. For me personally, I find it difficult to think about my children receiving things when they don't have family to pass it to. Right now DS1 has no children. DS2 isn't married. If I were to die today I would want my grandchildren ,DD's children, to inherit material family things. Money would all be split equally between my children. That all being said, I have talked to all my kids about what they want (family china, crystal, silver, furniture). I haven't talked to them about jewelry. I guess I'm waiting for a grand daughter lol! It isn't so much about favoritism but keeping things in the family.

short+sassy · August 2021

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Wills and death can bring out the worse in people. When my parents died (they divorced when I was 15) there wasn't a whole lot monetarily but some money. There were sentimental things. My Mom left a lot (sentimental things) to me because my brother wasn't very responsible at that time, and she was afraid he would sell family stuff. For me personally, I find it difficult to think about my children receiving things when they don't have family to pass it to. Right now DS1 has no children. DS2 isn't married. If I were to die today I would want my grandchildren ,DD's children, to inherit material family things. Money would all be split equally between my children. That all being said, I have talked to all my kids about what they want (family china, crystal, silver, furniture). I haven't talked to them about jewelry. I guess I'm waiting for a grand daughter lol! It isn't so much about favoritism but keeping things in the family.

Thanks for that, it's a good point. Though not really relevant for me personally (I know it wasn't a post just for me).

I'm sure there would be other material things I'd want if she predeceases me, but she doesn't have a lot that is monetarily valuable, like fine jewelry. Plus, I already have the two sentimental things I would have wanted the most. One of them is valuable, the wedding set my father gave her. She offered it to my sister first because she was the one who got engaged first...I was totally fine with that and understood...but her and her FI (now H) chose to get their own rings. I think my mom's mentioned she will leave her other wedding set to my sister. That's fair and reasonable, since I have the first set.

She didn't make it a "requirement" of the wedding set gift but did ask that if I ever replace it, I give the set back to my sister, so it can be passed down to my niece and nephew. She also asked my H to do the same, if I predecease him. He and I are good with all of that, so it stays in the family.

In fact, we had a laugh about it the day after our wedding. My H said, "You know, I think in about 20 years or whenever your niece or nephew are about to get engaged, you should pass the wedding set down at that time (if they want it)." I replied back to him that was a great idea! But then I added as a joke, "Plus, 20 years is just about the right time for you to start saving for my replacement rings!"

kerbohl · August 2021

short+sassy said:

TBH, these topics always bring up bad feelings for me that I'm usually able to ignore. Sorry in advance for some of my deep, sad feels.

My mom has, at various times, talked to me about her will/assets and what can be expected. She is so worried my sister and I will fight about things after her death. Not that this is either of our personalities, but just because she has seen that play out so many times with others. She clams it's so important to her that everything is equal.

And I just have to bite my tongue because most of our lives (mine and my sister) have never been like that. She has always given my sister substantially more financial help than she has ever given me. Especially after my sister had children. I don't expect her estate to be anything different, though she's never said anything that jumps out. Ironically, with my medical condition and how long her own mother has lived, she may not pre-decease me anyway. I don't want to die on the younger side, but at least the silver lining would be I won't have my feelings hurt about how, even in her final wishes, she favored my sister.

It's such complex feelings. I know my mom would be deeply hurt if she knew that was how I felt, so I've never said anything. Plus, of course, it's her money and she can do what she wants with it. And she's helped me also when I needed it, so it's not entirely one-sided. I also know she doesn't think she's treated us unfairly, though I can't understand how she doesn't see it.

It's bizarre to me sometimes how I've ended up here. I had an idyllic childhood with great parents. We were a close family. The chasms started when I was in high school, but that's totally normal. Except they never got better. They just got wider. Some of it because that's when the favoritism toward my sister started. I don't know how to let go of hurt and grudges. It's one of the biggest things I wish I could change about myself, because I would be an even happier person if I could just let things go and not have them haunt me.

This is 100% hubby's family. MIL clearly favours SIL, and it is so sad to see how much it hurts hubby. The will is going to be that all over again - MIL will find a way to give SIL more. I used to see the favouritism with FIL as well - he lives overseas, but he used to set up skype dates with us and then instead of talking about hubby would ask about SIL. He's gotten better, but that might be because we would give short answers to his questions about SIL and try to switch the subject.

MissKittyDanger · August 2021

kerbohl said:

short+sassy said:

TBH, these topics always bring up bad feelings for me that I'm usually able to ignore. Sorry in advance for some of my deep, sad feels.

My mom has, at various times, talked to me about her will/assets and what can be expected. She is so worried my sister and I will fight about things after her death. Not that this is either of our personalities, but just because she has seen that play out so many times with others. She clams it's so important to her that everything is equal.

And I just have to bite my tongue because most of our lives (mine and my sister) have never been like that. She has always given my sister substantially more financial help than she has ever given me. Especially after my sister had children. I don't expect her estate to be anything different, though she's never said anything that jumps out. Ironically, with my medical condition and how long her own mother has lived, she may not pre-decease me anyway. I don't want to die on the younger side, but at least the silver lining would be I won't have my feelings hurt about how, even in her final wishes, she favored my sister.

It's such complex feelings. I know my mom would be deeply hurt if she knew that was how I felt, so I've never said anything. Plus, of course, it's her money and she can do what she wants with it. And she's helped me also when I needed it, so it's not entirely one-sided. I also know she doesn't think she's treated us unfairly, though I can't understand how she doesn't see it.

It's bizarre to me sometimes how I've ended up here. I had an idyllic childhood with great parents. We were a close family. The chasms started when I was in high school, but that's totally normal. Except they never got better. They just got wider. Some of it because that's when the favoritism toward my sister started. I don't know how to let go of hurt and grudges. It's one of the biggest things I wish I could change about myself, because I would be an even happier person if I could just let things go and not have them haunt me.

This is 100% hubby's family. MIL clearly favours SIL, and it is so sad to see how much it hurts hubby. The will is going to be that all over again - MIL will find a way to give SIL more. I used to see the favouritism with FIL as well - he lives overseas, but he used to set up skype dates with us and then instead of talking about hubby would ask about SIL. He's gotten better, but that might be because we would give short answers to his questions about SIL and try to switch the subject.

This is also M's family. MIL favours BIL over M - unintended - and she also tries to help evenly but it's notable in some aspects.

When my mum is around and MIL somehow moves topic to BIL {even when he's not there}, my mum will often bring up M - my mum has a deep seeded hatred towards favourtisms {although we joke that now that my mum TECHNICALLY has step kids, I am her favourite

}

banana468 · August 2021

I'm in the opposite situation. I'm married with two kids. Brother is not married (yet) and unless he goes to a surrogate or adopts, he likely won't have kids.

My mom is very much aware that things aren't equal. I don't ask if she spends the same for him on Christmas that she spends for my family and I at least take solace that Mom is aware that he's had the fuzzy end of the lollipop and has tried to do other things.

Where is Tuesday?

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