You should have never moved in to her house.

mrsconn23 · November 2021

Dear Prudence,

My mom and I have always had a rather strained relationship. After my dad passed away, we ultimately got closer (especially after not living together). For the past three years, my now husband and I have lived in the condo she owns. She went to live with my brother three years ago to help care for my young nephew. She offered us to live at the condo, as long as we took care of rent and association dues. She takes care of bigger needs (i.e. like a landlord would do).

The biggest issue I face is that while we do pay for the mortgage, and general upkeep of the home, it still feels like we’re living with her. She will occasionally stay overnight, ask to stop by to pick something up or hang out, or occasionally show up hours before she was expected, walking in during certain private situations …

On one hand, I absolutely appreciate all she has done for my husband and me. She helped us pay for our wedding, takes care of the big needs at the condo, will treat us to lunch, let me borrow her car or offer a ride (we have just one car), etc. But also, as a married woman whose husband is having a VERY difficult time with this, I am stuck in the middle.

Ideally, I’d want to keep living here for the next year as we work to save money for our own home rather than pack up again. But how can I have a conversation with my mom about boundaries in the living space we pay for? I love and respect her, but I also need to be fair with my husband’s feelings. As he doesn’t feel he can live comfortably knowing she may stay the night or pop by unexpectedly. It causes a strain in our marriage. When I have tried to approach the subject about how often she is stopping by, she has pulled the victim card and calls me ungrateful. Prudence, please help me find the right words so that my mom understands we are living here with the understanding that it’s temporary, that it’s our space, and that we have to set boundaries.

— Stuck in the Middle

banana468 · November 2021

You're going to have to pick the battle here. Which is worse to you: moving out and living in a location where you control the terms of your mother's visits but it will take longer to save for a home OR you're living in a home where your mother sets the terms of her visits?

Your mother is unlikely to change. Your husband has made his wishes known. If I were you I'd give your mother the notice that you've found a place and will be out on a date you and your H decide.

Casadena · November 2021

Move, this is not hard. Your mom is not going to respect boundaries, partly because you're not setting them. You need to pick your husband or your mom. So far your mom is winning and imo she shouldn't be.

MissKittyDanger · November 2021

Moving is ideal or LW could have a serious "come to jesus" convo with the mom about boundaries - and tell her you want it treated like a landlord/tenant situation.
Since she has stuff there, coming is fine but you want notice.

She doesn't want to abide by these boundaries? Move. Let her know the consequences of ignoring the boundaries too.

STARMOON44 · November 2021

Move.

short+sassy · November 2021

I'm on "Pick a Battle" team. But it needs to be equally the husband's choice, since he is the one who is understandably the most annoyed at the mother's behavior.

The LW has already talked to her mother about this and tried to set boundaries, multiple times. The mother doesn't care and she isn't going to change.

Put up with it for a year while saving money to buy a house. Or move. Those are the only two choices and they need to pick one.

I'm curious how much of a savings it is to rent from her mom vs. getting a one-bedroom apartment. Hopefully it's a lot. Because, if it's not much and more about the hassle of moving twice within 1-2 years, I'd lean more strongly to moving.

missJeanLouise · November 2021

It's been three YEARS of your husband living someplace he is not comfortable. Move.
And you'd rather not pack again?! It's been three YEARS, not three months. Move.

levioosa · November 2021

I feel like LW can’t complain much here either. Does mom’s guilt tripping and lack of boundaries suck? Of course. But according to LW they are getting a fantastic deal and saving money, Mom lends them her car whenever needed, she buys them meals, paid for their wedding, and helps out with big home expenses they would normally be on the hook for. LW wants her cake and to eat it too. Can you imagine the letter from the other point of view?

Dear Prudie,

A few years ago my daughter and her now husband moved into one of my properties after expressing they would like to save up for a house. I said of course! (perhaps too enthusiastically) as I wanted them to have a solid start to married life but now I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. I take care of major repair expenses for the property, provide rides, and even pay for meals along with having funded their wedding. I do love having them close by and it’s been really nice to connect with them over the past few years. However, recently they have been pressuring me to have a more professional instead of familial relationship. I can understand some of their requests but then they also want me to continue with all of the same benefits I’ve been providing! It’s been hard to contain my hurt and disappointment. Prudie, I’m starting to feel like the relationship is more about what I can give them instead of helping them to achieve greater financial stability in the future. How can I tell my daughter that if she wants the same luxuries she also needs continue to engage in a relationship?

—Not Just a Landlord

banana468 · November 2021

levioosa said:

I feel like LW can’t complain much here either. Does mom’s guilt tripping and lack of boundaries suck? Of course. But according to LW they are getting a fantastic deal and saving money, Mom lends them her car whenever needed, she buys them meals, paid for their wedding, and helps out with big home expenses they would normally be on the hook for. LW wants her cake and to eat it too. Can you imagine the letter from the other point of view?

Dear Prudie,

A few years ago my daughter and her now husband moved into one of my properties after expressing they would like to save up for a house. I said of course! (perhaps too enthusiastically) as I wanted them to have a solid start to married life but now I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. I take care of major repair expenses for the property, provide rides, and even pay for meals along with having funded their wedding. I do love having them close by and it’s been really nice to connect with them over the past few years. However, recently they have been pressuring me to have a more professional instead of familial relationship. I can understand some of their requests but then they also want me to continue with all of the same benefits I’ve been providing! It’s been hard to contain my hurt and disappointment. Prudie, I’m starting to feel like the relationship is more about what I can give them instead of helping them to achieve greater financial stability in the future. How can I tell my daughter that if she wants the same luxuries she also needs continue to engage in a relationship?

—Not Just a Landlord

Yup. The LW and her H need to figure this out and how to make it work.

I am also seeing this like the letter from the new college graduate. There's a lot I'm seeing in there in what the LW thinks that they should be able to do vs. how the world actually works. They're married with one car and don't have their own place. They need to figure out what is the lesser of two evils here. Maybe the H is also irritated but a bit delusional too. Dude - you're living in your MIL's home and your wife gets to use her car. What's your long term plan here?

You should have never moved in to her house.

Re: You should have never moved in to her house.

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