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Feeling the weight of being supportive.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

How can I be supportive of someone (my sister-in-law) who has bariatric surgery without going down the rabbit hole? I get that people have the right to their own body and that something like this is given careful consideration. All that being said, hearing about it and thinking about it is distressing, as I have a history of atypical anorexia. My husband and I have worked out a way to support each other’s health goals, but food and diets become a frequent conversation topic with his folks, and it will probably only get worse after the surgery. I worry about the risks of the surgery, which often seem far worse than the possible risks that come from being fat. Actually, I’m down right worried that this will kill her, full-stop.

Obviously, this isn’t about me, but at the same time jeopardizing my recovery would be a disaster. What boundaries could I put in and what ways can I support my SIL after surgery that aren’t centered around dieting or weight?

— Feeling the Weight of Fatphobia

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Re: Feeling the weight of being supportive.

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    banana468banana468 member
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    You have two concerns here:

    1) Medically is there any reason you're worried this will kill her?  On what are you basing those concerns? 

    2) If you also have a history of eating disorders then work with a counselor to ensure that your own recovery is not jeopardized. 

    I question LW's assertions about the risks from surgery not being worse than those from being fat where most people aside from LulaRoe sales women have bariatric surgery under the guidance of a physician who advises them of the SERIOUS risks that their weight poses when diet is insufficient.  Cardiac problems including sudden death and type II diabetes aren't exactly low risks.  
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    1. You’re not her doctor so you don’t need to talk to her about risks of the surgery or her body. This isn’t about you and it’s none of yours business unless she is specifically coming to you to talk about the risks. 

    2. Your recovery is your responsibility. Take with a counselor, create a nutrition plan now and execute it so you don’t have to think about what to eat when this is occurring. 

    3. Stop talking about her body and her surgery. You’re internalizing something that isn’t about you but is having an impact on your health. Ask your partner to help monitor this and stop conversations about it. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    LW needs to speak with a counselor about this since there is previous issues.
    Also LW's H should speak up and state that diet and food conversations are halted for sake of everyone.
    Idk if IL's know LW's history, and it's up to them to decide if they should know.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    LW needs to speak with a counselor about this since there is previous issues.
    Also LW's H should speak up and state that diet and food conversations are halted for sake of everyone.
    Idk if IL's know LW's history, and it's up to them to decide if they should know.
    I disagree with this.  I'm not a fan of blanket conversation halting.  Others may find the conversation beneficial especially if it can help to clarify dietary restrictions.

    I DO think the H can say something more nuanced and request that the dietary conversations around LW be limited.
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    You are obviously perseverating on this and it’s very much seen through the lens of your own issue. Therapy with someone who specializes in eating disorders. 


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    banana468banana468 member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    Therapy. Fat phobia is real and it's incredibly harmful. But the counterpoint of extreme body positivity that rejects all weight loss isn't helpful either. Offering unsolicited advice on whether or not she should have the surgery is about as helpful as telling her that she should lose weight. It's not your body; it's not your decision. 

    It's entirely possible that her surgery can be triggering to your ED. That's a you issue that you need to learn to address with healthy coping mechanisms and limiting your exposure. I agree that people spend way too much time talking about food, diet and weight, but you're not going to change that about your ILs. You can align your partner to help you change the subject or even straight out tell them that the conversation is uncomfortable for you. Beyond that, you politely excuse yourself. 

    If you're close to your SIL, have a conversation about it. 
    Exactly that.  I hope my post above is not construed as fat-shaming. 

    I'm not a big person at all but I also know that I have a family history of cardiac issues (two of my mom's sibilings died EXTREMELY suddenly in their own homes).  My dad has always had a belly and as he aged he was working out less and his type II diabetes was a problem and last year my dad had a stroke.  All who passed or had these events were also at least slightly overweight if not at an obese category in their BMI.  

    Also, you can be not fat shaming while also  acknowledging that losing weight could be a move to a healthier lifestyle IF you are close enough with that person where your input was requested.   I rarely bring up weight EVER even with my own H.  I've told him I'm loving him at any size and my biggest concern is not whether or not he needs bigger pants but I want him healthy and around. 
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    CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    I’m just trying to genuinely figure out how this could “go down the rabbit hole”.  Is this because when LW is near SIL, she’ll notice her eating very small portions?
    the “small amounts of food” is temporary.  I’d say about a year - then, they kinda go back to small portions but not as much as before surgery, but also not as small as the first few months after surgery. 
    I think LW could be looking to deep into this..but that’s just my humble opinion as being a patient myself as well as eating out with many patients pre and post my own surgery.  I barley paid attention to what other people eat tbh. 

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    @Pam, I think the concern is more about how much the ILs center conversations on food and diet versus specifically noticing how much SIL is eating. If they already talk about it a lot, it's probably going to get worse.

    My family is like that, so I'm sensitive to it if not reading my own shit into the post, lol. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    First, the LW needs to stop whatever unsubstantiated thoughts they have about the surgery being risky.  They aren't the SIL's doctor so they have no clue.  It sounds like they haven't said anything to their SIL, so I'll cut them a little slack.  But they need to keep it that way.

    I can understand where the LW is worried about the ramping up of talking about food/diet in the IL's family possibly jeopardizing their own mental health since they have already had an ED. 

    Therapy to help them cope with potential triggers is the best answer.  And to even have an exit plan if conversations become too overwhelming.  If the family already knows about the LW's ED, maybe even give them a head's up ahead of time that there may be occasions where they will need to quietly leave the room.
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