Bridal Party Question---My Second Wedding, His First

Re: Bridal Party Question---My Second Wedding, His First

• geebee908 member

  

  December 2021

  knottie34f3d195b15ea1b0 said:

  Hi all,
  
  My fiancé and I just got engaged last month and are so excited!  We are hoping to lock down our venue this week, and if we do, that means we are getting married in July 2022 and will have to make a lot of decisions really quickly.
  
  One thing we are trying to figure out is our bridal party.  I was married once a little over 5 years ago (and divorced about 2 years later, I was young and stupid and let myself get pressured into it), my fiancé has never been married.
  
  He would like to have groomsmen but is torn between family and friends.  His family is huge and if he included immediate family and his best friends, he would have 10-11 groomsmen.  On my end, if I include his sisters, sister in law, and my brother's girlfriend (who is pretty much my future SIL--they are younger than us but have been together for years and plan to get engaged as soon as she's done with grad school next summer), that puts me at at least 4 bridesmaids, plus any of my friends/family.
  
  My questions are as follows:
  
  1) I don't want to make him choose and having so many wonderful people in our lives is a GOOD problem, but how many attendants is too many?  I've been to/he's been in weddings like that, but it's not the norm for most folks and I'm worried about side-eye if we have 10-11 people on each side especially since it's my second trip down the aisle.
  
  2) Figuring out bridesmaids on my end---I had 6 last time (my ex's sister, plus my five best friends from high school/college).  Of those 5, I'm still friends with all of them, but I'd only want to re-ask 3.  The other two I'd still invite to our wedding and care about very much but I took back a big step from those friendships a couple of years ago (one can be a bully and the other enables it and I stopped putting up with it).  Conversely, there are 2-3 women who were new friends at the time of my first marriage that are some of my best friends now. 
  
  How do I navigate that?--a) I don't want to make people I'd re-ask feel obligated since being a bridesmaid can be a lot, b) I don't want to completely end the friendship with the women I wouldn't re-ask but I don't want to include them when the relationship is not the same, and c) I'm not sure how to deal with that in the context of asking friends I didn't ask before (because I'd rather ask the people I'm closest to now and see myself being closest to long term).
  
  I know this was super long, but any advice would be appreciated.
  

  I think the answer to this problem is to keep it very small, like only witness attendants. It takes a lot of the pressure off of you to coordinate a large party and gives your friends and family an understandable reason for being excluded.
  Frankly, I'd be breathing a sigh of relief to be going as a guest and not a member of the bridal party; been there, done that.
  Having a small party doesn't preclude you from including the larger circle in any pre-wedding events; if people offer to throw those parties for you, you can include them on the guest list if the host's budget allows.
  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  December 2021

  There's truly a simple solution to this. 
  
  He asks the people he considers his very best friends. You ask the people you consider your very best friends. 
  
  Your sides don't need to be even. 
  
  Not asking someone to be in your bridal party should not cause the friendship to end. If it does, that person is not your friend. 
  
  Also just want to point this out, as there always seems to be huge misconceptions about this. There's not a lot of comes with being a bridesmaid. There are no duties - it's not a job. They really only have to show up the day of, in the attire you've requested. All the extras (showers, parties) are really up to them if they want to host them. 

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  December 2021

  Exactly what @climbingsingle said. Don't try to force a number to match, and don't ask everyone under the sun. 
  
  You should each ask the people that you are very close to. If his sisters are your BFFs, ask them, but otherwise don't. If he's super close to one or all of his sisters, he should ask them to stand on his side. 

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  December 2021

  While I agree sides don't have to be even, I think @geebee908 's solution is a good one. I do side eye large wedding parties just because I think that is part of the wedding industry getting out of hand. I have trouble thinking that people have that many "best" friends - just my opinion. I can also understand the awkwardness of having some of your previous attendants and not others in the wedding. Just invite most of them as guests (which they may prefer anyway).

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• knottie34f3d195b15ea1b0 member

  

  December 2021

  Thanks guys!  This is making me feel a lot better and is helping me sort through it.
  
  100% agree that sides don't need to be even (the 4 people comment was more "oh crap that's already four people from his family not even including my friends, this is gonna be a circus" thing) and that being a bridesmaid really should just be "show up on time in the dress" (and it's all I'd be asking, I just still feel guilty about theoretically asking for a second round of that).  
  
  Right now the working plan is that he'd have his best friend as his best man and I'd have my brother (who I'm super close with) stand up with me (as geebee908 pointed out, this is the ideal and easiest scenario, and FH can spin it to his family as he didn't want to pick between his siblings).  
  
  That said, I know my fiancé and I have a feeling that he may decide he does want to include friends/family and if that happens I'm going to just embrace it and roll with a bigger BP.  We are so lucky to have wonderful family and friends that I feel stupid for even complaining when I see what other folks on here have had to deal with.
  
  If I do re-ask anyone I will be very upfront that it's totally up to them, I totally understand if they don't want to do it a second time, and I just want them up there with me, nothing else.  Re people I wouldn't re-ask, as climbingsingle pointed out---if someone doesn't want to be friends b/c you didn't ask, they aren't really your friend.
  
  Thank you again for all of the advice!

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• ei34 member

  

  December 2021

  You each just ask your nearest and dearest.  Sides don't have to be even and being a BM really doesn't have to be "a lot".

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• geebee908 member

  

  December 2021

  knottie34f3d195b15ea1b0 said:

  Thanks guys!  This is making me feel a lot better and is helping me sort through it.
  
  100% agree that sides don't need to be even (the 4 people comment was more "oh crap that's already four people from his family not even including my friends, this is gonna be a circus" thing) and that being a bridesmaid really should just be "show up on time in the dress" (and it's all I'd be asking, I just still feel guilty about theoretically asking for a second round of that).  
  
  Right now the working plan is that he'd have his best friend as his best man and I'd have my brother (who I'm super close with) stand up with me (as geebee908 pointed out, this is the ideal and easiest scenario, and FH can spin it to his family as he didn't want to pick between his siblings).  
  
  That said, I know my fiancé and I have a feeling that he may decide he does want to include friends/family and if that happens I'm going to just embrace it and roll with a bigger BP.  We are so lucky to have wonderful family and friends that I feel stupid for even complaining when I see what other folks on here have had to deal with.
  
  If I do re-ask anyone I will be very upfront that it's totally up to them, I totally understand if they don't want to do it a second time, and I just want them up there with me, nothing else.  Re people I wouldn't re-ask, as climbingsingle pointed out---if someone doesn't want to be friends b/c you didn't ask, they aren't really your friend.
  
  Thank you again for all of the advice!
  
  SITB:
  You can make this part even easier by not asking anyone to buy specific attire, but allow them to choose what they want to wear. Everyone gets something in their budget or even just out of their closet and saves you the trouble of coordinating anything in that regard.

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• short+sassy member

  

  January 2022

  I agree with the other PPs.  But also wanted to add that, this being a second wedding for you, doesn't have any bearing on how large/small the WP should be or that you should/shouldn't ask people who were previously in your WP.

  

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