Wedding Woes

Dudebro, this is a *you* problem.

Dear Prudence,

My first spouse had a thing for Disney, which I hated. Our whole house was covered in Disney stuff (think 101 Dalmatians shower curtain, etc.), which was tacky and embarrassing. When I met my current spouse, I made my zero-tolerance Disney policy clear. She said no problem, but confessed that her twin daughters (now in their late 20s) were the “Harry Potter generation” and that she and the twins still had “minimal nostalgic experiences” related to HP.

Fast forward 5 years, and “minimal” was a psychotic lie. There is A LOT of Harry Potter in my life. At least once a month, I catch her reading from one of the HP books on her Kindle. I overheard her on Zoom with the twins having anguished conversations about “what to do about Harry Potter” given the author’s transphobia. And whenever she visits the twins, they all do some HP-related thing. The most recent was to go to a HP store, and my spouse came home with a notebook and pen representing her “Hogwarts house.” I reminded her that she promised to NEVER bring Disney merch around me, and she goes, “Disney didn’t own the Harry Potter franchise then,” which is splitting hairs at best. She put the merch inside a drawer where I won’t see it, but she won’t get rid of it or apologize for buying it. Now she’s planning to watch some HP reunion IN THE HOUSE while Zooming with the twins.

Prudence, she has advanced degrees, a high-level job with a great salary, and successful daughters, so I don’t know why she needs to cling on to HP, especially knowing that Disney is a deal-breaker for me. To this day, she claims HP is a “minimal” part of her life and that she didn’t misrepresent. How can I make her see that her HP thing is actually a significant fixation she needs to outgrow if she wants our marriage to last?

— Done With Disney

Re: Dudebro, this is a *you* problem.

  • Does Disney even own Harry Potter now? I can't keep track at this point. 

    Anyway, I can understand not wanting your house decked out in a Disney or Harry theme - I wouldn't want that either. And I can understand not being interested in Disney or HP and not wanting to see or hear about them all the time. But LW seems to be way too angry about all this. HP is clearly something that the spouse has bonded with her daughters over, and as long as LW isn't being forced to participate, there's no need for this level of hostility. If they're going to be this pretentious and miserable about their spouse liking a book series, maybe the marriage shouldn't last.
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  • And you’re not going to like or enjoy every single thing your spouse does.  Let her have her thing.  When she’s Harry Pottering it out, go into a different room and do something maybe she’s not thrilled that you do.  I’m sure you have a thing that makes her roll her eyes too.

  • If you can't parse the ridiculous fandom of your ex and your current wife enjoying something as a hobby that she shares with her daughters, IDK what to tell you man.  Also, you're so in your head about this that you don't even know that HP and Disney are two *very* different things and companies. 

    You sound super fun at parties. 
  • Oh good grief! If this is the only problem you have, I don't know what to say. I have a thing for reading Outlander books and drool over the show (OK really Sam). If my husband doesn't like it he'll leave the room. Anyway, how do you know what she is reading? My husband couldn't tell you one thing I am reading at the moment. Get over yourself.
  • Oh good grief! If this is the only problem you have, I don't know what to say. I have a thing for reading Outlander books and drool over the show (OK really Sam). If my husband doesn't like it he'll leave the room. Anyway, how do you know what she is reading? My husband couldn't tell you one thing I am reading at the moment. Get over yourself.
    Have you read Go Tell the Bees yet?
  • edited December 2021
    You’re the one going to ruin your relationship over HP, not her. 
  • Oh good grief! If this is the only problem you have, I don't know what to say. I have a thing for reading Outlander books and drool over the show (OK really Sam). If my husband doesn't like it he'll leave the room. Anyway, how do you know what she is reading? My husband couldn't tell you one thing I am reading at the moment. Get over yourself.
    Have you read Go Tell the Bees yet?
    No because DS2 was giving me an Amazon gift card for Christmas so I could download it to my iPad. I've been so busy this week with trainings that I haven't even bought it yet. Have you read it?
  • Oh good grief! If this is the only problem you have, I don't know what to say. I have a thing for reading Outlander books and drool over the show (OK really Sam). If my husband doesn't like it he'll leave the room. Anyway, how do you know what she is reading? My husband couldn't tell you one thing I am reading at the moment. Get over yourself.
    Have you read Go Tell the Bees yet?
    No because DS2 was giving me an Amazon gift card for Christmas so I could download it to my iPad. I've been so busy this week with trainings that I haven't even bought it yet. Have you read it?
    I have!! Enjoy, check back in when you’re ready it!
  • And you’re not going to like or enjoy every single thing your spouse does.  Let her have her thing.  When she’s Harry Pottering it out, go into a different room and do something maybe she’s not thrilled that you do.  I’m sure you have a thing that makes her roll her eyes too.

    SIB:
    Such as being a massively controlling AH who sounds frightening.  And scattering the house with proverbial eggshells she needs to constantly walk on.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • And you’re not going to like or enjoy every single thing your spouse does.  Let her have her thing.  When she’s Harry Pottering it out, go into a different room and do something maybe she’s not thrilled that you do.  I’m sure you have a thing that makes her roll her eyes too.

    SIB:
    Such as being a massively controlling AH who sounds frightening.  And scattering the house with proverbial eggshells she needs to constantly walk on.
    Right?  Because now what she READS is up to his approval?  

    I can't imagine running into this big of a controlling AH IRL.  It's one thing to not want your house decorated one way but to control someone's hobbies and reading?  Eff that. 
  • LW needs to eat slugs.  He's completely miserable and a total joy-sucker.  
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