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He told you all along, so do you want the husband or the (potential) baby?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

Prior to our wedding, my husband and I had been talking about children. He has told me he might not want children at all. I was okay with it at that time. After a few years together, it became more evident that I wanted to have kids. When I bring this up, he will tell me he’s not ready yet. More than 10years later, he’s still not ready. I’m so disappointed and saddened by how long I have been waiting, and now the chance is very slim. Sometimes, I would think of just finding another man that would be willing to be a father. I’m running out of time. I have put up with other issues in the relationship, but this one is pulling me down and away.

— Waited Too Long

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Re: He told you all along, so do you want the husband or the (potential) baby?

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Use your words.  Is this a dealbreaker or not?  If it is, then tell him you need to try for kids and if he can't support that quest you will go find an attorney.  
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    He was honest with you before your were even married that he might not want kids. It's 100% valid that you changed your mind and decided you want to have kids, but it's also 100% valid that he didn't change his. 

    He's never going to be ready to have kids, and you can't keep waiting. Given how anxious you are for the chance to have kids and that you sound as unhappy as you do, I think you have to let him know that if he still doesn't want kids, you will have to go your separate ways and you will have to do it soon. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You had the talk before hand and YOU changed your mind, LW.  But like banana said, if it’s a dealbreaker it may result in a divorce. I think this situation needs therapy too.  Talking it out with an unbiased third party can raise questions you never think to ask on your own.

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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Didn't we just have this a couple of weeks ago?
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2021
    LW, did you marry him to have babies or did you marry him because you didn't want to live without him?  Do you still not want to live without him or do you now want babies more? 

    IDK what the right answer is, but you know where he stands. 

    Also, it makes me irrationally annoyed sometimes with LW's who are all, "I married him knowing X and now 10 years later X is still true. I want him to change."  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Taking LW at face value him saying he “might” not want kids opens up a lot of uncertainty IMO. If they married knowing children weren’t on the table I’d have a lot less sympathy for the LW but the lack of a clear position here makes it tough. 

    That said if it’s a dealbreaker you need to tell him how you feel. Then give him time to figure out how he feel. Not forever, but you can’t expect him to decide in the moment either. If he wants kids- great; if he doesn’t you decide if that’s something you can live with. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hubby married me knowing I wasn't interested in having kids.  I know he's disappointed about it, but he knew the deal and he doesn't hold it against me.  I would be very upset if I'd made it clear going in and 8 years later he is pissed at me about it.  Also, if he wants kids, one of his hobbies has to go because that kid needs a room.  Right now the Warhammer is in one bedroom and the Larp is in another.  I doubt Hubby will give either up, and he won't consolidate either to make room, AND he doesn't want to ever move from this house so it isn't just me that doesn't want a kid.  

    I get people changing their mind, but you can't get mad at your spouse because of something that changed for you.  You can have an adult discussion about it, and it might end up with no kids or no husband, depending on what's more important.

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