I see their point, but harping on you doesn't help.
Dear Prudence,
I really love my fiancé, but my parents won’t stop talking about how I deserve better.
My fiancé and I have been together for ten years, and though they have dreams to move and thrive in a particular industry (think showbiz), they haven’t shown a lot of initiative or growth towards that goal. I support them, but the lack of progress worries me a lot. We both have anxiety and depression, but I feel like I always have to be the one to push my fiancé into making progress. I love them dearly, but it’s tiring.
Meanwhile, my parents say I’m settling to be with my fiancé, and that moving to another part of the country would be throwing away the good things I have now. My parents have always been very involved in my life, and I have my own issues with them. They aren’t WRONG, but they seem certain the best choice is to break up with my fiancé. I’ve had the same conversation with them about my relationship day after day, and I always end up in tears. Every attempt I make to fix my problems is “burying my head in the sand.”
— So, So Tired
Re: I see their point, but harping on you doesn't help.
On to the FI. It's hard enough to be successful in a competitive field, even for people who work diligently at it. So if the FI isn't really trying then, for the love of God. DO NOT MOVE for their "career". Especially if that "career" involves moving to a HCOL place like NYC or LA.
Especially since the LW already suffers from depression and anxiety, I hope they are seeing a therapist. I'm getting a vibe that they are not a very confident person and are easily swayed by others.
I've seen other people on other chat boards be the LW. They married when they were excited to see what could come from their future and they realized that they married someone who just wasn't motivated.
This sounds like one of those situations where the parents are wrong not in their assessment but in making it audible to the LW.
LW if it wasn't your parents and it wasn't your life, what would you say if someone approached you and said that they've been with someone for TEN YEARS who has a goal of making it in a highly competitive field and who hasn't actually shown much initiative into reaching that goal?
LW, your parents aren't wrong, BUT you need to establish boundaries with them. Then, you need to get into therapy individually, so does FI, and maybe couples because you need some boundaries with your FI as well. You are parenting your FI, JUST LIKE YOUR PARENTS ARE DOING TO YOU. You need to stop the patterns with everyone.
I hate that "boundaries" is becoming almost a buzzword in our culture, but if you're really doing the work of boundaries, they are so important and apply to so many things.
And LW, if you're complaining to your parents about your FI/relationship, stahp it. Tell them it's not up for discussion and change the subject or leave if they won't stop overstepping. But you have to take the step back from their overinvolvement and this could be a start.
But also, LW, please realize that there's only one person you can control here and that's you. Either support your FI and know that you're choosing to sacrifice to let them pursue their dreams or tell your FI y'all need to scale this situation and they need put in the effort and/or work a job of some kind and work out a way for them to work toward their goal in tandem with taking some stress off you carrying all the things.
Also, you can tell them to get their crap together on their mental health too. You both are responsible for yourselves on that front, even if you support one another on the journey. It's something you have to live with, but it's not an excuse to not do life or be a drain on your partner.
But I have to say that ultimately, your FI is the bigger problem here. You've been with for a very long time without them making any progress in their field of choice, and now it sounds like you're being expected to entirely change your life so they can keep pursuing this dream. Are you sure you really want to move and upend your life when you can't be sure they'll ever get motivated and start going anywhere?
I also wonder if the LW is proposing to move because the FI wants to move "for the career" but there's no real plan. Therefore to the LW they "have a plan" and to the parents, the LW is likely throwing away the life they built for a change of scenery with nothing in place. Then LW is feeling defensive and is sad but they're sad because of the reality of the situation.
FWIW, I know two people who are working in the showbiz/gig to gig industry. Both of them have to be aggressive because they are literally selling themselves. I think they're now in positions to possibly have agents AND they have invested in expenses like putting recording booths in their homes for their voice-over work. One ultimately moved out of the country finding more work as an expat and the other needs to be available for the cross country / out of country trips as needed.