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This is over. Give her a date to get her stuff.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My fiancée Nadine has never been single for more than a day since she started dating. Overlapping monogamy, her mom calls it. It’s how we met, when her last relationship was “all over but the shouting,” so I can’t really say that I’m surprised that halfway through our very amicable (our goals aren’t compatible after all) and efficient breakup, she went home for Thanksgiving and got back together with her ex. It still hurts. I guess I’d thought three years and some Big Things would merit a few sad weeks of singledom.

The break-up proceeded from there a little less amicably, but even more efficiently, until her new partner found out and was not cool with being part of the whole thing. He broke up with her. Now Nadine is having second thoughts about us splitting and every decision about what to do with her clothes/belongings/our pet fish/the lease involves hours of remembering how things used to be and tears.

I don’t know how to deal with this? I don’t want to be cruel, but I feel impatient and annoyed that everything has slowed to a damp crawl. Particularly since I don’t think she really wants me back; I mean, if her ex hadn’t pulled the plug then she’d have stayed with him. I just don’t feel as sympathetic as I would have previously. Her regret feels disingenuous. So how do you balance being kind with expediting the exit from a relationship you had thought was very, very done? Particularly when an unlovely part of you is maybe a little satisfied she’s not getting to just jump ship cleanly. I know that’s petty, but that’s why I worry about that impulse driving things.

— She Just Doesn’t Want a Gap in her Dating Resume

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Re: This is over. Give her a date to get her stuff.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You said your goals aren't compatible.  I'm not sure if that's a line she used on you but the fact was that you broke up.

    Nadine has not grown up and if you get back together you're going to be in this pickle soon.

    Set a date and time for her to get her things and tell her that of course she can mourn what you two had but she needs to get her stuff and go. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Box up her shit and tell her when to pick it up. Even if that “pick up” is a bunch of boxes outside on your property.  If you live in an apartment, well, I hope she can act fast.

    Don’t go back to her.  You’ll be hurt all over again when she does it to you down the road.

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Box up the stuff, tell her when to get it, don’t be there. Tell her if she doesn’t come then you’re donating it. 

    Don’t engage with anything else. She’s going get back with you for a few weeks until she finds someone else, but you don’t have to be a part of it. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The lease and maybe the pet fish is the only hard part.  But it's time to pull the band aid and go.  Whether that is boxing up Nadine's things because she is the one leaving.  Or the LW boxing up their own things because they are the ones leaving.

    The LW needs to stay strong and not go back.  Only talk to the ex on limited things, like how they are handling breaking the lease and their stuff.  Then, when there is no reason to talk to her anymore, shut her out.

    The LW shouldn't be purposely mean to Nadine.  There is no cause for that.  But telling Nadine they are done, they don't want to reminisce, and they just want to tie up loose ends is not unkind.  It helps keep the sanity and expectations for both the LW and Nadine.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Box up her stuff. Keep the fish. Stop indulging her behavior. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Tell her the relationship is over and when she can come get her things. Come to an agreement as politely as you can about the lease and the pet fish. 

    You don't have to be nasty, but you do have to be clear that you are not getting back together and you are not going to be her fallback option when things don't work out with somebody else. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm dealing with almost the same situation with N. He and his ex have been broken up for over a year now (they were together a total of 2 years, and she lived with him). She moved back down south and he hadn't really heard much from her. Meanwhile she'd left a bunch of stuff in his basement saying she'd come back for it. 
    She started dating someone new, but now that that relationship has ended, she's contacting him all the time. Keeps putting off getting her stuff. Texting him song lyrics at 2am (I'm assuming while drunk). It's ridiculous, and he's made it very clear to her that he's in a relationship with me. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    short+sassy said:
    @VarunaTT, I was totally thinking of you and the previous K situation when I read this letter.
    Me too.  :) 


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    climbingsingle said:
    I'm dealing with almost the same situation with N. He and his ex have been broken up for over a year now (they were together a total of 2 years, and she lived with him). She moved back down south and he hadn't really heard much from her. Meanwhile she'd left a bunch of stuff in his basement saying she'd come back for it. 
    She started dating someone new, but now that that relationship has ended, she's contacting him all the time. Keeps putting off getting her stuff. Texting him song lyrics at 2am (I'm assuming while drunk). It's ridiculous, and he's made it very clear to her that he's in a relationship with me. 
    If the stuff bothers him, there's usually clear cut and easy to follow laws about abandoned property.

    It varies by jurisdiction, but is typically putting someone on notice that they have 30 days to pick up their property or it will be sold/discarded.

    If he wanted to be really nice, he could box it up and move it to a storage unit.  Pay the first month's rent.  And then tell her, "Hey, I moved all your stuff Public Storage at 123 Main Road, Upper NY city, NY (zip).  Unit #.  I paid the first month, but you'll need to pick it up and close the unit or pay after this.  Rent is $210/month and due on the 5th."

    If it doesn't bother him, he can just leave it at "You can pick up your stuff whenever you want, just give me 24 hours notice.  But don't call/text again until you have a specific date."

    We had a tenant we were evicting do something like that.  We clearly told him if he was out and returned the keys to us by X date, we would drop the eviction.  He sent us so many text message that he "was almost out, please drop the eviction" or "I'll definitely be out by X day (got this multiple times, with the day always being moved out), please drop the eviction".  After the 2nd or 3rd message like that, we told him "just tell us when you're out, we don't need the play-by-play".  We ignored all his "I'm almost out" messages after that.  He was just a lying AH trying to buy time.  He did get evicted and didn't leave until the morning of the day the sheriff was coming.  Ironically, we found out he had rented a place nearby 9 days before the eviction hearing.  I guess he'd just been too lazy to move his stuff there.  Because, before we filed for the sheriff visit, we swung by.  All his furniture was there and not one moving box in sight.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    climbingsingle said:
    I'm dealing with almost the same situation with N. He and his ex have been broken up for over a year now (they were together a total of 2 years, and she lived with him). She moved back down south and he hadn't really heard much from her. Meanwhile she'd left a bunch of stuff in his basement saying she'd come back for it. 
    She started dating someone new, but now that that relationship has ended, she's contacting him all the time. Keeps putting off getting her stuff. Texting him song lyrics at 2am (I'm assuming while drunk). It's ridiculous, and he's made it very clear to her that he's in a relationship with me. 
    He can end this if he wants, and you don’t need to put up with some guy’s ex drama. 
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