Dear Prudence,
I’m married to a wonderful woman. She’s funny, incredibly smart, beautiful, and hard-working. She is currently supporting us by working two jobs, but in spite of surely being tired from all her work and 5 a.m. starts, she is still positive and energetic. I meanwhile, am … nothing.
When my wife and I met, I was an outgoing and interesting person with lots of friends, hobbies, and a great work ethic. I was actually the kind of person who could deserve her, essentially. Now, I’m struggling through the final years of my Ph.D., have had to give up even my part-time retail jobs due to the sheer crushing exhaustion I felt from them, and barely have energy to text my friends back, let alone attend social gatherings like I used to. The main thing I contribute to our household is housework, and even then, she is still doing a lot of the cooking since I’ve been finding cooking (something I used to love) particularly exhausting in recent years. Add to this, I have gained a huge amount of weight and seem to be aging prematurely: I’m in my late twenties but already going grey and developing back problems.
I miss the woman I was back in college, when my wife met me—I was attractive, funny, and outgoing, with a great-looking future. I’m sure my wife must miss that woman too, although I think she would die before admitting that. She says she loves me and that I make her happy, and has been nothing but supportive while I’ve been forcing myself to try various antidepressants and therapy (although that one is no longer in our budget and the university provisions are terrible). I just don’t know what to do. I hate myself for so many reasons, but the worst is clearly that I am ruining this wonderful woman’s life. She deserves a partner who can contribute financially and be a part of her active social life, not some emotionally draining, self-pitying husk who sits at home all day procrastinating and can’t hold down a job. I’ve genuinely thought about killing myself in part just to give her freedom, but she’s been devastated when I’ve expressed suicidal thoughts, and it’s clear that she would be absolutely distraught if I did this, even if it eventually gave her peace from me. She says she loves me and clearly means it, talking about our life together and plans we made for the future (getting a house, having children).
I just don’t know what to do to be anything like the partner she deserves again. I try every day to find energy to be that person again, forcing myself to socialize when I can and being positive and chatty when she comes home from work, but it’s an exhausting struggle and sometimes I find myself in tears afterward. This is a desperate attempt to seek out advice from anywhere else, as my friends are not helpful when I’ve touched on expressing these feelings to them (they’re all single and talk about my life as though it’s great because, you guessed it, I have such a great partner, and respond to mental health issues with, “Are you on medication? Oh good.”). What can I do to either be a better partner to my wife, or give her opportunities for a better life?
— Don’t Deserve My Wife