Dear Prudence,
My husband (32, M) and I (31, F) have been together going on six years. I feel like we have a solid relationship, but we have some problem areas, as most people do. We’ve done relationship counseling over the years (individual and couples) to help work through the problem spots. My husband is, self-admittedly, not good at expressing or identifying his own feelings, due to a lot of factors growing up.
I have repeatedly found that he sexts other women over the years—we’re talking double-digit times this has been discovered. He says I can look at his phone whenever I want (it goes both ways), and I learned this through what he was up to. Normally, it’s women from SnapChat, FetLife, KIK, etc. Real people, but not connected to his real life. This has caused SO many issues for us. He would NOT want me doing the same thing, but he also seems genuinely distraught that he can’t figure out how to stop doing this. He doesn’t know what drives him, except that he thinks of it as interactive porn. His kinks are specific, but he doesn’t want to talk to me like he talks to them, because he doesn’t want to think of me that way. I also feel like sometimes he sexts instead of being present sexually in our marriage. It feels like a compulsion—he does it when he gets home from work, when he first wakes up, or even when we’ve been lying in bed TOGETHER.
Recently, I found out he was sexting with someone he knew in real life (although they haven’t seen each other in years) and who knows his brother. I lost it, as that felt like crossing a line. He was remorseful, and I believe him. I see that he’s confused by his own actions, but I’m getting too angry to care lately.
I don’t know what to do. I know he’s not out there sleeping with other women physically, and opening our relationship is not an option (he wouldn’t want me with another guy or sexting another guy, and I’m not sure I could deal anyways). How do we figure out a way to navigate this without imploding our marriage? Am I being too closed-minded and this is normal in our day and age? Is there a middle ground I’m blind to?
— How Do I Live With This?