Dear Prudence,
Several years ago, I accepted a transfer at my company to do my same job in a new city. It was very isolating, and I leaned on my friendship with my older, married colleague “Colin” more than I should have. I had the abrupt realization one day that our friendship had wandered into unhealthy crush territory for me, and also that he was definitely indulging me in what felt like an emotional affair.
I used the feeling of guilt and shame to try and shape my life in a different way—I made a serious effort to join hobby groups and make good friends, threw myself into dating, and generally built a bigger life for myself outside of work. Within two months, I took a job with a different company. I never talked to Colin about this, I just told him I was “busy” every time he contacted me about non-work stuff, blocked his number after-hours, and remained professional but distant when we worked together. He seemed frustrated and annoyed but I just wanted to get out.
Since then, I’ve been loving my new city—I have a social circle I like, a great job, and was recently promoted. I’m in a new, healthy-feeling relationship of about three months. My company is in the final process of hiring a new, specialized employee roughly equal to me, on our team. They invited the team to meet the top three options, and Colin’s name is on the list. How do I handle this? Can I tell my boss somehow? Should I tell my new boyfriend? I’m so ashamed of this and want to leave this guy in the past, not see him every day, but on paper he did nothing wrong.
— This City Ain’t Big Enough