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Go to your room at the end of the night and have no regrets.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My brother is getting married in the fall. His fiancée asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I accepted. She and my brother live across the country, and I have only met her two or three times (once at my own wedding, so there was not an abundance of time for any meaningful communication other than pleasantries). Future sister-in-law seems very laidback about her wedding planning and doesn’t have a ton of expectations of the bridesmaids. She is even going as far as to plan her own bachelorette party, which I think is somewhat unusual but hey, you do you.

As I mentioned, I don’t know my future SIL very well. We have spent maybe a collective 12 hours in each other’s presence. I know asking me to be a bridesmaid was out of obligation. All of the other bridesmaids are her friends from college/post-grad, who I have only met for 30 minutes on a Zoom call. I haven’t heard any plans of a bridal shower, and the bachelorette party is happening on the Thursday before the wedding (which is on a Saturday).

Here’s the predicament: Future SIL has made a hotel reservation for the night of the bachelorette party, and she wants everyone to share a suite. This means that everyone will be two to a bed, like some kind of big sleepover. I am super uncomfortable with this. One, I am an adult with a salaried job and have no interest in sharing a bed with anyone other than my husband (and even then, sometimes I wish I had the bed to myself!). Even if these were my best friends, I don’t know that I’d want to share a bed unless it was out of utter desperation. I don’t know these women, and while they seem nice enough, I don’t think I would be friends with them had we met under other circumstances. Not to mention that I’m a super light sleeper and get extremely grumpy if I don’t get an uninterrupted night of sleep.

The suite is only a few hundred dollars split between all of the bridesmaids. My family, husband, and I are flying in from out of town on Thursday morning before the bachelorette party.
Family/husband already have hotel reservations made for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Am I a jerk if I stay with my husband that night and still pay for my portion of the bachelorette suite?

— Too Old for a Slumber Party

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Re: Go to your room at the end of the night and have no regrets.

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    My brother is getting married in the fall. His fiancée asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I accepted. She and my brother live across the country, and I have only met her two or three times (once at my own wedding, so there was not an abundance of time for any meaningful communication other than pleasantries). Future sister-in-law seems very laidback about her wedding planning and doesn’t have a ton of expectations of the bridesmaids. She is even going as far as to plan her own bachelorette party, which I think is somewhat unusual but hey, you do you.

    As I mentioned, I don’t know my future SIL very well. We have spent maybe a collective 12 hours in each other’s presence. I know asking me to be a bridesmaid was out of obligation. All of the other bridesmaids are her friends from college/post-grad, who I have only met for 30 minutes on a Zoom call. I haven’t heard any plans of a bridal shower, and the bachelorette party is happening on the Thursday before the wedding (which is on a Saturday).

    Here’s the predicament: Future SIL has made a hotel reservation for the night of the bachelorette party, and she wants everyone to share a suite. This means that everyone will be two to a bed, like some kind of big sleepover. I am super uncomfortable with this. One, I am an adult with a salaried job and have no interest in sharing a bed with anyone other than my husband (and even then, sometimes I wish I had the bed to myself!). Even if these were my best friends, I don’t know that I’d want to share a bed unless it was out of utter desperation. I don’t know these women, and while they seem nice enough, I don’t think I would be friends with them had we met under other circumstances. Not to mention that I’m a super light sleeper and get extremely grumpy if I don’t get an uninterrupted night of sleep.

    The suite is only a few hundred dollars split between all of the bridesmaids. My family, husband, and I are flying in from out of town on Thursday morning before the bachelorette party.
    Family/husband already have hotel reservations made for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Am I a jerk if I stay with my husband that night and still pay for my portion of the bachelorette suite?

    — Too Old for a Slumber Party

    Nope out of the hotel room.  Tell them you're on for all of it until the sleeping.  

    Don't ask - just be clear "We'll have a hotel room in the same place.  I'll change and hang out until bedtime." 

    I'm not in that age group anymore but gone are the days when I'll share a bed with most people.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    I totally think LW should opt out of the suite upfront.  TBH, I'm not even sure if their presence would be 'missed' and that's not saying there's anything wrong with LW, but they don't have a real connection to any of these people.  If I were LW, I wouldn't even offer to pay for their portion of the suite they're not staying in.  I'd hold that card in my pocket as an option if there's pushback, but I would hesitate to lead with it. 

    If LW wants to be close with BIL and FSIL in the future, plan to spend time with them after the wedding and get to know her then.  
    Ditto for us.

    I love SIL and was a BM.  The bachelor/bachelorette was joint.  Originally SIL and her MOH shared a room and BIL and his BM shared a room.  I was clear from the start: DH and I are sharing a room. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    Casadena said:
    Just say "I'm excited for the bachelorette party but i'm going to sleep in the room with H.  can't wait"!  Why do people feel the need to overexplain everything.  Just say what you're doing and do it. 
    Yup.  Perfect one-liner.  Partake in the dinner or drinks part of the evening and then sleep in your own bed.  I couldn't imagine giving this a second thought.  

    Not the bach party, but I've been in weddings where a hotel room was involved, and the bride invited the BP members to all sleep together the night before.  I always declined that too.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Don't overthink this. Go to the party and then go to your own room. I kind of doubt they're really expecting you to want to stay. I'd imagine they'd be a little relieved to not have a virtual stranger at their dorm reunion slumber party.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Don't overthink this. Go to the party and then go to your own room. I kind of doubt they're really expecting you to want to stay. I'd imagine they'd be a little relieved to not have a virtual stranger at their dorm reunion slumber party.
    You say this but I was in the exact situation once and when I told them I was going to hang out and then stay elsewhere I was screamed at that I was “ruining the wedding and the experience.” 


    image
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    levioosa said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Don't overthink this. Go to the party and then go to your own room. I kind of doubt they're really expecting you to want to stay. I'd imagine they'd be a little relieved to not have a virtual stranger at their dorm reunion slumber party.
    You say this but I was in the exact situation once and when I told them I was going to hang out and then stay elsewhere I was screamed at that I was “ruining the wedding and the experience.” 
    True. It sucks how often I'm wrong when I assume people are rational. 
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