Wedding Woes

It's OK to tell her you have a social life and aren't lonely.

Dear Prudence, 

My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.

My concern is with how my daughter sees my life by comparison. After years in a quietly deteriorating marriage, I enjoy being single and dating. I’m not out looking for one-night stands, but I’m also not looking to get into a serious relationship simply for the sake of being in one. I’m also conscious about who I bring into my daughter’s life. I don’t want to get into some situation where she feels like she’s meeting Dad’s Girlfriend of the Week; so far, she has not met anybody I’ve dated.

Lately, though, my daughter has been asking questions about my life. A couple of times, she has also become upset and told me that she worries I’m lonely. Recently she asked me straight up if I have a girlfriend. I have been seeing someone, and I think it’s going well, but we haven’t been together long enough for me to want to introduce her. I don’t want to lie, so I told my daughter that I do have a girlfriend; when she asked if they were going to meet, I said that at some point when I am with someone who I’ve got to know well and think is very special, they will meet.

But she’s in middle school, she knows about dating, and she’s not easily put off by vague “Oh sure, sometime” statements. I’m really worried that I could be unwittingly making her into an emotional caretaker, more attuned to my perceived needs than her own. How can I let her know that I’m enjoying my life without telling her more about that life than she ought to know?

—Not Seeking Stepmom

Re: It's OK to tell her you have a social life and aren't lonely.

  • I feel like LW is tiptoeing around this like his daughter is going to wake up an orgy by knowing what he's up to when she's not around.  It's OK to let her know you spend your free time outside your home socializing with friends and maybe even with women when she's at her mom's.  LW doesn't have to give a ton of details, but let the girl know you're not sitting at home waiting for the next visit from her. 

    She sounds very sensitive and it's really important she learns her mental load should not include her dad's happiness.  And it's a great jumping off point to assist her to become more confident in herself and know what to look for in partners as she enters her teens and dating years. 
  • Don’t miss this opportunity to talk to her about all the different ways people can have relationships with each other- and more importantly that you can be happy, have hobbies, and be fulfilled without a relationship. Sharing a bit more about your life is only going to help her here. 
  • This seems like such an opportunity to teach your daughter that happiness and fulfillment do not require one to be in a romantic relationship, and it's normal and healthy to choose to be single for a while or forever. 
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