You should have hidden these after the first time

Casadena · October 2022

Dear Prudence,

I live with my best friend (who is a 32-year-old adult). We are both solidly comfortable in terms of funds (and honestly, though my salary is slightly higher, I have pretty substantive loans/debts that she doesn’t have to worry about). Two years ago, my mom gave me a wine of the month club gift for a month, where you get to mix and match a case of wine for a pretty steep discount. Since then, I buy a case of wine a month because it’s actually pretty economical. I understand that this is a bit of booze, but it’s actually a very useful tool for me in keeping my alcohol intake to a certain limit and it’s cheaper.

Since I started doing this, my roommate has decided it’s OK to drink my wine, something she did not do when I was just buying one or two bottles at the store at a time. She has never offered to pay me for this because she “only drinks one or two glasses per bottle” so it wouldn’t be fair. I disagree. I have been fairly annoyed by her unwillingness to chip in, and have brought it up a few times, but I do drink more than she does and at a certain point, I can’t be bothered to fight the same fight about her paying even 10-15 percent of something I buy for myself that she treats as an apartment utility. We have been friends for too long to fight about her stealing my booze (or my food, which she also often does) despite how much I hate people stealing my stuff.

However, I recently bought a few very expensive bottles of wine (like $90-100 bottles) to give as gifts to family members for whom a fancy bottle of wine is the perfect gift. I told her they were presents and stored them slightly separated from the other wine I bought for the month. I went out of town for a week, and she decided to open and drink some bottles of the wine that I bought while I was gone, and drank two of the very expensive bottles of wine. She is refusing to pay me back or buy replacements because “I always share” and she “shouldn’t have had to remember which were special” and I should have kept the gifts far from the “communal wine.”

The thing is, literally none of the wine is communal, because I am the only one buying it and I have been very upfront both about how (1) those bottles were gifts and (2) I really want her to start paying for the wine or just not drink it. I’m super angry and we had a pretty nasty fight. Am I being unreasonable? Did I train my roommate to walk all over me? Am I being a child because I won’t share? Is my friend being awful? Am I crazy? How can I make her understand that I need her to pay me back?

banana468 · October 2022

LW needs to get a different place. Your roommate is not ethical and is also unaccountable.

If you want to preserve the friendship at all (and I question if it's a smart idea to do this based on their character) move out and tell the roommate that you're at an impasse, trust has been betrayed and you know it's best for all concerned for you to find a new place to live.

short+sassy · October 2022

This is something I would end a friendship/roommate situation over. It's shitty enough she thinks it's fine she gets to drink free wine all year, even after the LW has talked to her about it. I'm pretty sure she knew which were the "special" bottles. But if she truly wasn't sure, then she shouldn't have gone into the LW's room (no less!) and taken any wine.

She cost the LW at least $300 and doesn't even care. Doesn't even think she did anything wrong. Hell no, to all of that.

MyNameIsNot · October 2022

When someone says "I get to keep helping myself to your things and don't need to contribute," they are not your friend.

In the short term, start storing as much as you can in your room or locked up someplace that she can't get to it. In the long term, find a better roommate.

banana468 · October 2022

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Casadena · October 2022

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

charlotte989875 · October 2022

It’s time to move. What is she going to help herself to next, your paycheck?

banana468 · October 2022

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

Casadena · October 2022

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

Of course it's a sign the living situation needs to end. It's often difficult and financially prohibitive to do that outside of a lease term and i'm suggesting a cheap temporary solution to solve the immediate problem of wine stealing.

I locked every bedroom door I ever had when i was renting with roommates. It's super cheap and easy to change a door handle to one with a key, or just use a paper clip to pop the button ones from the outside (obviously her roommate could do that too, but most of the time a locked door is deterrent enough). I hated living with roommates, these are not hard things to do to keep your stuff private.

short+sassy · October 2022

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

FWIW, most landlords will allow locks to be added to internal doors, at the tenant's expense. As long as they are provided with the key and it can still always be opened from the inside of the room.

It's $20-$30 for a lock and super easy to do. I have zero DIY skills, lol, but I can change out a doorknob set.

banana468 · October 2022

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

FWIW, most landlords will allow locks to be added to internal doors, at the tenant's expense. As long as they are provided with the key and it can still always be opened from the inside of the room.

It's $20-$30 for a lock and super easy to do. I have zero DIY skills, lol, but I can change out a doorknob set.

I get that you can opt to check with the landlord but that's still more effort. It means the LW has to go out and install the lock to the door, get the landlord the key and that only means that the wine is locked and away when not opened.

Is the next step a separate locking fridge for when the LW wants a chilled white that she doesn't want to consume all in one evening?

Sure, the LW can start to fortress themselves in that location but when it's come to that, it is a sure sign that the friendship is over and the living situation needs to come to an end and the insinuation implies that this is somehow the LW's fault for having nice bottles out.

It's the wine argument of 'don't dress like this because it invites the unwanted leering and groping' when the LW's possessions are not safe in the one place they should be safest.

Casadena · October 2022

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

FWIW, most landlords will allow locks to be added to internal doors, at the tenant's expense. As long as they are provided with the key and it can still always be opened from the inside of the room.

It's $20-$30 for a lock and super easy to do. I have zero DIY skills, lol, but I can change out a doorknob set.

I get that you can opt to check with the landlord but that's still more effort. It means the LW has to go out and install the lock to the door, get the landlord the key and that only means that the wine is locked and away when not opened.

Is the next step a separate locking fridge for when the LW wants a chilled white that she doesn't want to consume all in one evening?

Sure, the LW can start to fortress themselves in that location but when it's come to that, it is a sure sign that the friendship is over and the living situation needs to come to an end and the insinuation implies that this is somehow the LW's fault for having nice bottles out.

It's the wine argument of 'don't dress like this because it invites the unwanted leering and groping' when the LW's possessions are not safe in the one place they should be safest.

So what would you do in the moment? I think we're all in agreement that LW shouldn't HAVE to do these things. But short of moving out in the middle of a lease which many people are unlikely to be able to do, how do you think she should manage it?

banana468 · October 2022

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

FWIW, most landlords will allow locks to be added to internal doors, at the tenant's expense. As long as they are provided with the key and it can still always be opened from the inside of the room.

It's $20-$30 for a lock and super easy to do. I have zero DIY skills, lol, but I can change out a doorknob set.

I get that you can opt to check with the landlord but that's still more effort. It means the LW has to go out and install the lock to the door, get the landlord the key and that only means that the wine is locked and away when not opened.

Is the next step a separate locking fridge for when the LW wants a chilled white that she doesn't want to consume all in one evening?

Sure, the LW can start to fortress themselves in that location but when it's come to that, it is a sure sign that the friendship is over and the living situation needs to come to an end and the insinuation implies that this is somehow the LW's fault for having nice bottles out.

It's the wine argument of 'don't dress like this because it invites the unwanted leering and groping' when the LW's possessions are not safe in the one place they should be safest.

So what would you do in the moment? I think we're all in agreement that LW shouldn't HAVE to do these things. But short of moving out in the middle of a lease which many people are unlikely to be able to do, how do you think she should manage it?

In the moment of before or after? The point IMO is that the LW trusted the roommate and the roommate betrayed the trust. This also isn't a random living arrangement but is a "best friend". Once you start to put up those barriers you're ending the friendship because the trust is gone.

So if the answer was to get a locking door because the trust was gone then the answer needed to be to move out and at least get the nice stuff out the place first.

Casadena · October 2022

I get where you're coming from and philosophically sure, but it's not practical. She has to live with this person until she can move out. Clearly she can't trust her because she's asked her not to do this and roommate isn't listening. So if you don't want your wine stolen, do something about it like put it in your locked room, bc obviously the "friend" sucks. LW will figure out eventually that this friendship is not worth preserving, it's not ridiculous to want to preserve the wine in the meantime.

Have you seriously never lived with someone you didn't like or trust?

banana468 · October 2022

Casadena said:

I get where you're coming from and philosophically sure, but it's not practical. She has to live with this person until she can move out. Clearly she can't trust her because she's asked her not to do this and roommate isn't listening. So if you don't want your wine stolen, do something about it like put it in your locked room, bc obviously the "friend" sucks. LW will figure out eventually that this friendship is not worth preserving, it's not ridiculous to want to preserve the wine in the meantime.

Have you seriously never lived with someone you didn't like or trust?

My former roommate and best friend had an affair with my boyfriend that continued for two months after he and I broke up. We stuck it out until the end of the lease. Had I items (aside from his d!ck) that I didn't want her touching I would have moved them out to a family member's home until I was out.

MyNameIsNot · October 2022

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

FWIW, most landlords will allow locks to be added to internal doors, at the tenant's expense. As long as they are provided with the key and it can still always be opened from the inside of the room.

It's $20-$30 for a lock and super easy to do. I have zero DIY skills, lol, but I can change out a doorknob set.

I get that you can opt to check with the landlord but that's still more effort. It means the LW has to go out and install the lock to the door, get the landlord the key and that only means that the wine is locked and away when not opened.

Is the next step a separate locking fridge for when the LW wants a chilled white that she doesn't want to consume all in one evening?

Sure, the LW can start to fortress themselves in that location but when it's come to that, it is a sure sign that the friendship is over and the living situation needs to come to an end and the insinuation implies that this is somehow the LW's fault for having nice bottles out.

It's the wine argument of 'don't dress like this because it invites the unwanted leering and groping' when the LW's possessions are not safe in the one place they should be safest.

I wouldn't even bother checking with the landlord or giving them the key. I just swapped out the doorknob and kept the old one, and then swapped back after move out. I did that at two apartments and it was fine.

But even easier than that, everyone had cheap footlockers with padlocks when I lived in the dorm. It's no safe, but it would have been a safe enough place to tuck away a case of wine.

Casadena · October 2022

MyNameIsNot said:

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

I'll also add, anyone who gaslights me is not a good friend. The answer "I shouldn't have to remember which were special," implies that she wasn't told (she was) and that she also wasn't asked to stop mooching (she was).

I really hope that the subject line doesn't imply that anyone here thinks that the LW in this story is to blame for anything other than living with the roommate for too long.

Of course LW is not to blame for her shitty roommate. That said, a lot of this problem could have solved in the short term if LW had put the wine in her room and locked the door. should she have to? Of course not. But a lot of this could have been avoided during the lease term if she had taken a couple small steps.

That's just a common sense solution, no?

Do you have internal doors in your place that lock with a key? I'm getting the impression that the LW isn't owning the place but renting (although I could be wrong) and because of that, it's not exactly easy to lock an inside door that you intend to enter again. There isn't one bedroom door that locks with a key in my house. The only ones that lock with a key are those that can be entered from the outside.

The very essence of living with a roommate involves a degree of trust which the LW's roommate has broken and the idea that LW needs to lock up things is the sign that living arrangement is what needs to end.

FWIW, most landlords will allow locks to be added to internal doors, at the tenant's expense. As long as they are provided with the key and it can still always be opened from the inside of the room.

It's $20-$30 for a lock and super easy to do. I have zero DIY skills, lol, but I can change out a doorknob set.

I get that you can opt to check with the landlord but that's still more effort. It means the LW has to go out and install the lock to the door, get the landlord the key and that only means that the wine is locked and away when not opened.

Is the next step a separate locking fridge for when the LW wants a chilled white that she doesn't want to consume all in one evening?

Sure, the LW can start to fortress themselves in that location but when it's come to that, it is a sure sign that the friendship is over and the living situation needs to come to an end and the insinuation implies that this is somehow the LW's fault for having nice bottles out.

It's the wine argument of 'don't dress like this because it invites the unwanted leering and groping' when the LW's possessions are not safe in the one place they should be safest.

I wouldn't even bother checking with the landlord or giving them the key. I just swapped out the doorknob and kept the old one, and then swapped back after move out. I did that at two apartments and it was fine.

But even easier than that, everyone had cheap footlockers with padlocks when I lived in the dorm. It's no safe, but it would have been a safe enough place to tuck away a case of wine.

Same, i never even asked and just replaced when i left

CharmedPam · October 2022

LW - if she has a significant other, sleep with them. Then say “oops I thought that was communal too?”. That’ll teach her!

but seriously. Move. She isn’t going to stop.

You should have hidden these after the first time

Re: You should have hidden these after the first time

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