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Wedding Woes

Yes, put the ball in her court.

Dear Prudence,

I met a very nice woman named Kelly about five years ago at an event hosted by our mutual friend. It’s a small town, and ever since then we see each other around every few months and say hello and chat pleasantly. We have a lot in common around our careers and interests (as well as tons of mutual acquaintances) so I thought maybe we’d become friends but she has never once initiated hanging out or responded to an invitation from me. The thing is every single time I see her she says something like “Sow it’s so nice to see you, I’d love to hang soon!” and not even in a flakey, rhetorical way. Most of the time that I see her is actually at her workplace, where she takes the time to come over, give me a huge hug, and speak with me for a while when she could easily just give a wave and a nod. It’s clear that Kelley has been following me on social media because she always knows what I’ve been up to. She always sounds so genuine and at this point, I’m baffled as to what to say in response. What I want to say is, “Oh, I’d love to but I’ve invited you individually and as part of a group to coffee hangs, potlucks, group hikes, etc. for years and you don’t even respond to the text so I’m not sure why you’re still doing this??” I get that you just can’t be close with everyone you find likable, and my feelings aren’t that hurt—I just truly don’t know what to say at the moment. Should I just say, “Sure, call me sometime!” and then dip?

—Sorry What?

Re: Yes, put the ball in her court.

  • Yup.  Whatever is going on, let it be her call. 
  • I don’t think anything is wrong persay, I feel like this is the norm in all my social groups

  • I might still occasionally invite her out.  Especially if it is a group outing where I could throw out the time/place and then not worry about if she responds back or shows up.

    But, overall, I'd just leave the ball in her court.

    Kelly is probably sincere in wanting to get together.  But then is always in a state of "too busy, not a good time", so she never follows through.

    At least she doesn't make plans and bail!  She just doesn't make plans.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I am guilty of this to a degree.  But I also have people where we mutually say that we need to meet up and then it never happens, and then we run into each other and the process starts over again.  I also understand hoping someone you really like will make time for you. 

    But let's be honest, we all tier the friends and acquaintances in our life and often can only make time for first and second tier friends if you work full time, have a family, aging parents, siblings, or other close family you spend time with, and so on and so forth.  

    LW needs to learn not to let their feelings get hurt and maybe put energy into people who are responsive.  Also, just realize that this is one of the sucky parts of adulting.  There are people I really like, but am not close to for one reason or another.  But when I see them, I am genuinely happy to be in their presence. 
  • I would still invite her to group things if you'd genuinely enjoy having her there but cool it on the individual invites.  She knows how to reach you and will do it if she wants. 
  • Same @CharmedPam, on some level a lot of this sounds typical.  I'm probably Kelly to some people, minus saying "I'd love to hang out soon"...I never say that outloud, bc I doubt it'll actually happen and I do think it's odd to say something you don't mean.  But I have plenty of friendly, even warm relationships and long conversations with people at work that I never see outside of work.  
    If LW is curious though I agree with the advice to put the ball in Kelly's court.
  • Yah I mean I do this a lot and I mean it but also I’m already overcommitted. Say “sure call me sometime” and leave it at that. 
  • I would try responding to her saying "we should hang out some time" with a direct invitation, like "sure, want to grab lunch after this meeting?" She may really want to be friends and just have legitimate (or not legitimate) reasons for not being good at responding to invitations. 

    Beyond that, I'd assume she's just too busy or whatever and not take it personally. 
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