Ignore them. They're obnoxious.

mrsconn23 · January 2023

Dear Prudence,

I was assigned to a new workgroup recently and for the brainstorming phase of a new project, they generally go to lunch and throw around ideas. The lead invited me to ride with her. I am pretty seriously lactose intolerant but have found it easy to accommodate at restaurants through my own careful selection and simple menu changes like asking to omit cheese from a sandwich, for example, so I didn’t bother to mention it. On the way, I asked where we were going and she said there was a place nearby known for the macaroni and cheese they all love.

When I looked at the menu I saw it wasn’t that they’re known for their macaroni and cheese—it’s literally a macaroni and cheese restaurant with very few other offerings, all of which heavily include dairy! Without major changes (which I wasn’t going to ask the kitchen for as it’s not their fault I can’t eat dairy and it was a busy lunchtime), I wasn’t going to be able to eat anything there. I just ordered a drink and explained the situation to the other team members, saying not to worry and that I had plenty of snacks at my desk when we got back.

Later that afternoon, as I passed by the lead’s office, I heard one of the other members of the team complaining about how now the group won’t be able to go there anymore because of me and how it was so obnoxious of me to make such a big deal out of it when I’m the new member of the team and should’ve just gone along with what the established team already does. I promise you, I didn’t make a big deal at all, I looked at the menu, realized I wasn’t going to be able to get anything, and then just casually explained to the group after I ordered only a soda. I didn’t pout or complain while there. Should I do anything to try to smooth things over with this team member or just ignore them?

—Not Team Dairy

VarunaTT · January 2023

Oh, this makes me so mad and sad for LW. As someone who has cut dairy out of their meals 95% of the time and the 5% is an indulgence that I take meds for and still spend a LOT of time in the bathroom, I feel this, hard.

I would just follow up with the lead and say, I'm really sorry again that I wasn't able to eat anything at that restuarant, but this is truly a medical condition and I hope I haven't put anyone out.

Seriously, when you're at a work event, you need to just pick a chain restaurant that has a wide selection. You can't just go to a speciality restaurant and assume everyone can eat there. OR call ahead and see if the restaurant can accomadate the food sensitivities.

banana468 · January 2023

You could have used that as an opportunity while walking by, "Oh I'm so sorry I couldn't help but overhear and wanted to clarify. This isn't a diet and it's actually a medical issue. I'm so sorry that we didn't discuss that in advance but it really isn't possible for me to consume any dairy so let's go to restaurants that have a wider selection for the times we go out."

short+sassy · January 2023

I would speak to the lead, whose office it was, about this. Mention they overheard what was said and are concerned if they came across as making a big deal about it because they certainly had not meant to. They just didn't realize until they were at the restaurant that there were not any dairy-free dishes so, for health reasons, they couldn't eat anything there. But they weren't upset about it.

If these lunches are not required for their work, the LW also might want to add that they have no issue with their coworkers going to this restaurant sometimes. But if they know ahead of time, they just won't come along on those days.

Now to the real questions. Does the company pay for these lunches? Or is everyone paid so much they're dropping money for sit-in restaurant lunches most days? And are they hiring?

kerbohl · January 2023

I remember back in high school on class trips. We didn't really have a lot of money in my family, so I'd always, always brown bag it, but my better off classmates would want to go get fast food. It really isn't that hard to hang out with people eating around you when you've already eaten due to different circumstances. I think what she did was fine - she got a soda and ate something that wouldn't make her sick when she got back.

And also at the same time for the colleagues, is it really that hard to not go to that restaurant for work? If you love it so much go on your own time. Goodness .... what a ridiculous problem for them to whine about.

downtondiva · January 2023

kerbohl said:

I remember back in high school on class trips. We didn't really have a lot of money in my family, so I'd always, always brown bag it, but my better off classmates would want to go get fast food. It really isn't that hard to hang out with people eating around you when you've already eaten due to different circumstances. I think what she did was fine - she got a soda and ate something that wouldn't make her sick when she got back.

And also at the same time for the colleagues, is it really that hard to not go to that restaurant for work? If you love it so much go on your own time. Goodness .... what a ridiculous problem for them to whine about.

Right? If they are going out for a working lunch that includes LW, they can't go to that particular restaurant, but nothing is stopping them from going literally any other time. And if they must, must have their working lunch from that place, order in and give LW a heads up so they can bring their own lunch or order from someplace else. This isn't that hard and these people sound very childish.

Ignore them. They're obnoxious.

Re: Ignore them. They're obnoxious.

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