Dear Prudence,
I can’t figure out how to respond to well-meaning acquaintances/family friends/strangers while I grieve my mom’s death. My mom had a sudden plunge into depression last year after a lifetime of good health. She was hospitalized, and then in therapy and working with a doctor. Nothing seemed to work. My parents have always had separate politics, but dad coped during this time by getting even more into “alternative” news and various not-real social problems.
My siblings and I tried to just support Mom and stay out of those arguments, but when my dad insisted on buying his first-ever handgun because he was “worried about crime,” we all tried to talk him out of it, because it would be extra high-risk for her to have it in the house. My mom committed suicide with the gun about two months after he bought it. I’m so angry at both of them, and I miss her so much. He’s heartbroken and apologetic but I cannot forgive him right now, even though I know my siblings are trying to. I held it together to be polite at the funeral, but now I’m really only willing to talk about this with my close friends, my siblings, and my therapist.
My mom was a public school teacher and heavily involved in church and volunteer work in our area, so nearly every week I ran into a well-meaning person asking after her, or offering condolences and asking after my dad. I have no idea how to respond, especially because if she’d had a car accident or something, I would crave connection and support for myself and want it for my dad. But I’m so angry, and I don’t know what to do. My dad announced in her obituary and at the funeral that she “died after a sudden illness,” which shocked me. I feel like people who knew her keep expecting me to talk about a battle with cancer.
—So Angry