Why...just...why would you do this again?

mrsconn23 · November 2023

Dear Prudence,

My best friend is having a knee replaced. The spouse and I are providing in-home care after surgery. After the last surgery, we had bad med reactions and numerous 911 calls to scrape them off the floor. The patient refused to return to the hospital. There were delusional ramblings and thinking due to the med reaction. The patient refuses an after-surgery care center or paid, skilled home care, which they can easily afford. The adult child refuses to be involved unless the patient is reasonable. The spouse tried to stand up to the patient once in the mid-1960’s, but it didn’t go well and hasn’t tried since. The spouse has a heart condition and other medical issues.

We’re all geezers. The spouse agrees we need a written after-care plan. We have a good start via email, but the entire family knows the patient will veto it. The spouse will grumble, complain, and fold. The surgeon hasn’t involved the spouse. The patient has almost no muscle tone and will not do the physical therapy. This is a sure thing. Clearly, these are lifelong issues.

—After Care Nightmare

banana468 · November 2023

I can't imagine why anyone would agree to this. If you're old you cannot and should not be a care provider. Be clear that this is not OK for them or you.

VarunaTT · November 2023

This person isn't your best friend and LW, you need to extricate yourself from this committment immediately. The surgeon/spouse can discuss things w/a social worker at the hospital, but in no way, shape, or form, should you agree to provide in-home health care, whether you are a medical provider or not, to someone who is so negligent with following medical orders.

STARMOON44 · November 2023

What is the question. Because the answer is you don’t do it.

MyNameIsNot · November 2023

I don't know anything about knee surgery, but I think it's pointless if you won't do the PT after.

Anyway, LW needs to nope out of this now.

charlotte989875 · December 2023

This isn’t your circus LW. They might be your best friend but they’re not caring for themselves and you can’t make them. The spouses and the surgeon need to come up with a plan; and the family needs to be clear with the surgeon now if the friend won’t follow the after care instructions. Hospitals have resources to help but not if the family doesn’t say they need them.

levioosa · December 2023

This…doesn’t have to be this hard. You refuse, you tell the family and hell, even tell the surgeons office that you will not be providing aftercare just in case the patient tries to put your name down on the paperwork. There are SNFs that handle aftercare and patient can be discharged from the surgery center to there. It doesn’t need to be you. And also your “friend” sucks in so many ways. This kind of patient drives me up a wall. If you won’t do the PT and you refuse a safe recovery then why are you even doing it?! Then you’ll end up in my office a year later yelling at me that you still have knee pain and can’t walk and it’s my fault and the surgeon’s fault.

banana468 · December 2023

levioosa said:

This…doesn’t have to be this hard. You refuse, you tell the family and hell, even tell the surgeons office that you will not be providing aftercare just in case the patient tries to put your name down on the paperwork. There are SNFs that handle aftercare and patient can be discharged from the surgery center to there. It doesn’t need to be you. And also your “friend” sucks in so many ways. This kind of patient drives me up a wall. If you won’t do the PT and you refuse a safe recovery then why are you even doing it?! Then you’ll end up in my office a year later yelling at me that you still have knee pain and can’t walk and it’s my fault and the surgeon’s fault.

And why would you make old people who are not trained in the movement of humans be in charge of the care of a person who can hardly hold themselves up?

I love my mom and if she had surgery and wanted to be in my house I'd be clear that it was for a place to be but she'd need to pay for someone providing 24 hour care.

short+sassy · December 2023

This letter doesn't make any sense in multiple ways. And it was so weird the way they wrote it. Referring to supposedly their good friends as "patient" and "spouse".

mrsconn23 · December 2023

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

This…doesn’t have to be this hard. You refuse, you tell the family and hell, even tell the surgeons office that you will not be providing aftercare just in case the patient tries to put your name down on the paperwork. There are SNFs that handle aftercare and patient can be discharged from the surgery center to there. It doesn’t need to be you. And also your “friend” sucks in so many ways. This kind of patient drives me up a wall. If you won’t do the PT and you refuse a safe recovery then why are you even doing it?! Then you’ll end up in my office a year later yelling at me that you still have knee pain and can’t walk and it’s my fault and the surgeon’s fault.

And why would you make old people who are not trained in the movement of humans be in charge of the care of a person who can hardly hold themselves up?

I love my mom and if she had surgery and wanted to be in my house I'd be clear that it was for a place to be but she'd need to pay for someone providing 24 hour care.

This. If the spouse of this person can't support a recovering person and there's no one else, they would likely send this person to a rehab, no? I mean, I'm sure it has to do with insurance and whatnot...but, isn't it a liability to release someone to an unsafe situation?

banana468 · December 2023

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

This…doesn’t have to be this hard. You refuse, you tell the family and hell, even tell the surgeons office that you will not be providing aftercare just in case the patient tries to put your name down on the paperwork. There are SNFs that handle aftercare and patient can be discharged from the surgery center to there. It doesn’t need to be you. And also your “friend” sucks in so many ways. This kind of patient drives me up a wall. If you won’t do the PT and you refuse a safe recovery then why are you even doing it?! Then you’ll end up in my office a year later yelling at me that you still have knee pain and can’t walk and it’s my fault and the surgeon’s fault.

And why would you make old people who are not trained in the movement of humans be in charge of the care of a person who can hardly hold themselves up?

I love my mom and if she had surgery and wanted to be in my house I'd be clear that it was for a place to be but she'd need to pay for someone providing 24 hour care.

This. If the spouse of this person can't support a recovering person and there's no one else, they would likely send this person to a rehab, no? I mean, I'm sure it has to do with insurance and whatnot...but, isn't it a liability to release someone to an unsafe situation?

Right!?!

I'm so glad that my mom spoke up when my dad broke his hip to say that he needed a lot of care in a rehabilitation facility.

Oh....and this is the woman who PULLED HIM INTO THE HOUSE IN A RADIO FLYER WAGON after he fell in the street. So....at least she's learning from her mistakes while my brother and I laugh in relief at what must have transpired.

Why...just...why would you do this again?

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