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This is a husband problem.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am vegan. I don’t put my personal choices on anyone else, but I do have to be vigilant in what I eat and prepare for myself. The problem is with my 11-year-old stepdaughter “Annie.” Annie has a bad habit of deciding she doesn’t want the food ordered for her and wants mine instead. This often leaves me with less than half a plate, especially when I have to bring my own food. And Annie will not even finish what she whines for. Instead, she will take one or two bites and then decide she really wants to finish her hamburger instead. It is especially irritating when we go out to eat, where the vegan options are very limited. I can’t even get a fruit salad in peace. Annie doesn’t do this with anyone but me. I usually try and hang back when it comes to parenting problems, but I hit my limit when I bought some rather expensive vegan cookies to take to a party, only for Annie to get her mitts on them—she took a bite out of every single one!

At this point, it is obvious this is a power play.

Despite having a pantry full of snacks, Annie went deliberately after my food and made sure to ruin it all. As punishment, I changed the wi-fi password and told Annie she wouldn’t be getting it back the entire weekend. She threw a crying fit and my husband immediately changed it back. Annie was “sorry.” I do the lion share of cooking and grocery shopping here. I am not going to be treated like this, so I told my husband I would cook for myself and myself alone. My husband hates cooking and claims I am “starving” his daughter. Annie is perfectly capable of using the microwave and heating up a pizza pocket. My husband can do the same. The tension in our house is unbelievably high. I always thought I had a good relationship with Annie. Her older brother is very distant, but this new development is driving me up the wall. I have tried talking to Annie, and she doesn’t know why she wants my food, just that she does. What do I do here?

—My Food

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Re: This is a husband problem.

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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Okay the cookie thing is what tipped it for me. Annie isn’t doing this because she wants your food, she’s doing this because it’s annoying you and she can. 

    Don’t retaliate with the Wi-Fi, but stick your plan to cook for yourself until your husband steps up and starts parenting his daughter. 
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    charlotte989875 said:
    Okay the cookie thing is what tipped it for me. Annie isn’t doing this because she wants your food, she’s doing this because it’s annoying you and she can. 

    Don’t retaliate with the Wi-Fi, but stick your plan to cook for yourself until your husband steps up and starts parenting his daughter. 
    In addition I'd be clear, "This is my effort and my money."  I would have pushed for total reimbursement whether it was putting a dollar value on time and ingredients or the cost.

    And I would have a LONG talk with the husband that this isn't working.  You can't just be 'sorry' because you took one bite out of all your step mom's cookies.  This is a control measure and she's testing dad to see which side he takes.  Is the husband that much of an idiot that he's playing into her hand?  

    Is dad wanting to be single? Because Annie surely wants him to be and she's about to get her way. 
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    This is bizarre behavior from Annie, and she's way too old for it to be chalked up to being overly curious and fickle and/or a picky eater. She's messing with you, probably because she's decided she resents you for some reason. 

    The fact that your husband is unwilling to confront or discipline Annie over this is concerning, and something that should have you reconsidering your relationship with him.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The LW never should have given Annie any of their meals to begin with, "Sorry you don't like what you ordered.  Tough shit."

    But that vegan cookie incident was egregious.  And the LW's husband is being a total AH for acting like it is NBD and not punishing his daughter.

    She's old enough to cook.  A great punishment would have been to make her bake every single cookie that she ruined.  Though the LW would need to stay in the kitchen and make sure they weren't sabotaged.  Because I wouldn't put it past this kid.
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Clearly, LW and their H didn't discuss their parenting relationship early enough. 

    I've been a resentful stepparent, and it's not a fun place to reside.  I've had a stepkid push my boundaries to piss me off and I fell into the trap of triangulation of me, DH, and my kid.  Both of these things caused some pretty stressful marital discord, up to me almost leaving DH until we actually addressed the issues.  

    LW, this about as serious as it gets.  It may seem small, but it's setting up the track to your relationship with your stepdaughter and your H.   You have to get in front of it now.  A conversation needs to be had before Annie is at your home next and then there needs to be an additional conversation with Annie that's not punitive, but one that lets her express herself and also sets boundaries.  

    If your H isn't down for it, then you know where you stand and should take the appropriate action (hint...leave his ass). 
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