Dear Prudence,
I am a former drinker, almost 20 years sober, and weekly family gatherings can be challenging for me. This is not because I want to drink but rather because my family members often drink too much, then drive home. Last week, after seeing my 87-year-old mother consume 3-to-4 glasses of wine, I asked her if she’d like me to drive her home.
Even when sober, she’s a bit unsteady, so I thought it would be wise. My sister, however, thought I was being ridiculous and judgmental. I pointed out that it was prudent, given the law and consequences. When my mother said it was her choice and she felt fine, I said, “It’s more about whether you’re over the limit, and you’ve had three glasses in two hours; so it’s possible.” But I was gang-shamed into letting it drop.
A few weeks later, when my sister and her boyfriend invited my 23-year-old son to go wine-tasting with them, I offered to be their designated driver. My sister was immediately suspicious, and we got into it again; I said that to go wine-tasting, drinking multiple glasses with little to no food for several hours, and then to drive would be irresponsible. I was outnumbered again; even my own son felt I’d crossed a line, by insinuating that my sister and her boyfriend were possibly being irresponsible. The most annoying part of this is that my sister was a non-drinker just a year ago, before she started dating this guy—whose brother died of cirrhosis, as did our father. At this point, I’ve been asked by my mother, sister, and even my son not to mention drinking and driving at family gatherings because it’s too contentious. My preference at this point is to stop attending family gatherings.
—Crossing the Line While Sober