You may love him, but need some space for now.

mrsconn23 · March 14

Dear Prudence,

My mom recently passed away at age 60 after a years-long struggle with dementia. My dad did his best caring for her, but after several years of my mom living in a memory care center, he became lonely and started seeing another woman, “Maggie.” We come from a conservative religious background, so this choice came as very much a surprise to my siblings and me. When my mom found out about Maggie (my dad told her himself), it broke her heart. My mom’s greatest fear had always been that her husband would leave her for another woman. She declined very quickly and died a few months later.

I am so disappointed in my dad. While I understand how lonely he felt and that his physical and emotional needs were not being met, I am shocked and disappointed by his decision to set aside what he had always said were sacred vows. My dad knows how I feel about this, but I have also expressed to him that I love him, that I understand I was not in his shoes, and that I want to continue to have a strong relationship with him. My question is this: Maggie is still a very important part of my dad’s life. They are renovating a house together and may be getting married. How do I open my life (and my broken heart) to start letting Maggie into my life, without feeling that I am invalidating the very real hurt, confusion, and anger that my dad’s and Maggie’s decisions caused me?’

—It Doesn’t Help That She’s My Age

banana468 · March 14

See a therapist for yourself but also see a therapist who specializes in cognitive decline.

My grandmother had dementia and acted like we broke her heart when we told her when we visited the day after Christmas that we weren't bringing her to our house for dinner. She was there the day before! My mom later told me she acted that way all the time. Sadly, acting broken hearted was part of how she behaved with her condition.

I'm sure there is some truth to what she is saying and I don't condone breaking marriage vows but if she died at 60 she likely had a major and advanced case of alzheimer's or a similar dementia condition that absolutely crushed her and those around her.

You need your space but you may also need to open up a bit on this.

VarunaTT · March 14

I would see a grief therapist. You need to work on forgiving your father and not blaming Maggie.

mrsconn23 · March 14

Your dad needs grace, as does Maggie. It's OK if you're not able to give it at the moment, LW. But the best thing you can do to preserve your relationship with your dad is to keep some distance and get some therapy. I'd recommend someone who is secular, and not some pastor or other religious-based therapy.

short+sassy · March 14

Only 60! Yikes. Which means the decline started in her 50s. Dementia is so scary anyway, but for it to happen so early especially is.

I know this is a controversial topic, but I have no issue with people who start a romantic relationship with someone else while their SO is in a situation like this. But I understand it's different for the children.

However, it was very cruel of the dad to tell his wife that he was involved with someone. I don't know what purpose that could possibly serve, other than to possibly assuage his own guilt. THAT'S the part to be mad about.

Therapy is definitely needed. As usual, I find it odd people are the most angry at the "other person". Maggie didn't even do anything wrong. Be upset with the dad if upset with anybody.

banana468 · March 14

I honestly don't know how I'd feel in this situation if it happened. But I also feel like the LW is really not letting on the full story. The two sentences are written matter-of-factly but the reality is that
-if mom needed to live in a memory care center it means that she was not capable of living in her home on her own. The memory care center likely either a specialized wing or center that is a nursing home for people who are not able to remember what is going on. And that means that the cognitive decline happened that Dad took care of her until the point that the home ceased being a place she should be safely.
-If all of that happened and she died at 60, the picture in my head is that this began as the LW was probably grown and out of the house but hearing from dad what was going on.

I'm a big proponent of marriage vows. But I'm also a proponent of not really getting up in dad's face if he was also truly honoring the wife. There's a huge difference IMO if he was there, talking to her and loving her but he had companionship in another person vs. walking away from her.

It's so sad to me that the LW is seeing this issue in such black and white. It makes me sad that they're not talking to people who specialize in this and that she hasn't talked about the daily issues that dad probably dealt with until the sad decision was made to put her in a different living situation.

charlotte989875 · March 14

My uncle has dementia that came on very fast. It started at the beginning of Covid and now, 4 years later he doesn’t know my cousins n. He went from life of the party, being the person who everyone wanted to be around to not knowing his own children. He knows they’re important but not beyond that.

My aunt does everything for him, including leading him to the bathroom because he forgets where he is. She loves him so much, but her entire world was turned upside down. I would never blame her if she found someone who could care for her because my uncle never will be able to again.

levioosa · March 14

This might be a controversial opinion, but I don't see it as cheating if you are still caring for your spouse with severe dementia and you look for companionship outside of that. The person they were isn't there any more. It's a horrible, horrible disease that robs you of your entire personality and dignity. The person you were simply isn't there any more. It's horrific for the patient and horrific for the loved ones. I do throw some side eye at telling her. But maybe she had a lucid moment and told him she wanted him to find someone and when he admitted he had she became upset. We don't know what they might have discussed when she was first diagnosed and we don't know what the circumstances were when he told her. I probably would have just kept it to myself regardless because the reality is even if you had a conversation about it at diagnosis and were having a lucid moment, it would still sting incredibly badly.

mrsconn23 · March 14

I agree with you, @levioosa. It's too complicated and if was there for her until the end, that's what matters. He was also trying to find a shred of happiness when life dealt him and his wife a shitty, shitty hand.

My dad admitted to me a year ago how angry he was being mom's caretaker at the end of her life. It put the panicked "I need help, NOW!" calls and texts in perspective. An ill, end-of-life partner is hell. That is why when I have feelings about how happy my dad is with his new GF, I keep them to myself, because he deserves the happiness and my support. So far she's lovely, no red flags, I think they communicate clearly about everything, and she's nice to me and my family. She cannot help that she is not my mom and my grief is not her responsibility.

STARMOON44 · March 14

Idk I just feel like of a dude literally has a daughter your age it is a no! My friend’s dad was in a similar position and had a girlfriend while caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s but she wasn’t my friend’s age!

banana468 · March 14

STARMOON44 said:

Idk I just feel like of a dude literally has a daughter your age it is a no! My friend’s dad was in a similar position and had a girlfriend while caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s but she wasn’t my friend’s age!

Where are you seeing that Maggie is the same age as the LW?

charlotte989875 · March 15

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Idk I just feel like of a dude literally has a daughter your age it is a no! My friend’s dad was in a similar position and had a girlfriend while caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s but she wasn’t my friend’s age!

Where are you seeing that Maggie is the same age as the LW?

The LW signature is “it doesn’t help that she’s my age”.

Which, is a little rough. But is Dad 65 and Maggie and the LW 45? Is he 65 and she’s 25? I think this may be a case where age (and the age gaps) matter.

banana468 · March 15

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Idk I just feel like of a dude literally has a daughter your age it is a no! My friend’s dad was in a similar position and had a girlfriend while caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s but she wasn’t my friend’s age!

Where are you seeing that Maggie is the same age as the LW?

The LW signature is “it doesn’t help that she’s my age”.

Which, is a little rough. But is Dad 65 and Maggie and the LW 45? Is he 65 and she’s 25? I think this may be a case where age (and the age gaps) matter.

Oh boy I didn't see that.

And yeah, that changes my feelings a bit. But I need more context. Heck, good family friend is the child of divorce because Dad came out. Her "step dad" (they married after she did - he's not a father figure) is only a couple years older. Their marriage is great.

You may love him, but need some space for now.

Re: You may love him, but need some space for now.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards