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Suck it up and go along to get along for now. It will payoff long-term.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together for over a year and see a long-term future together. He shares two kids with his ex-wife (divorced six years). They spend holidays together as if they are a family. He notes that he enjoys spending that time together with his ex and kids. And while I’m invited, I feel like an awkward fifth wheel. I grew up with divorced parents and I got two separate Christmases, etc. My parents were cordial but didn’t spend time together. My partner says that we should all put up with the awkwardness of coming together to surround the kids with love. Am I wrong for feeling put off by these holiday arrangements?

—Fifth Wheel

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Re: Suck it up and go along to get along for now. It will payoff long-term.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You can't come in after *just* a year and...one?...holiday cycle and be all,  "We need our own Christmas with the kids."  This has been their tradition all their lives and something that was not disrupted due to the divorce.  

    You're not going to win over anyone by trying to demand changes that will be disruptive.  You're a newcomer to this.  You have to go along to get along. 

    Over time, you will find your own routine and traditions if you're in it for the long haul. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can feel however you want about it, but you would be wrong if you tried to make them change their holiday traditions when you’ve only been together one year. You may see a future together, but already you’re trying to make changes that are going to be worse for his kids. That’s a big red flag IMO. 

    Go, be polite, be thankful you were included and recognize that this is actually a much healthier way of navigating divorce than what you experienced. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The holidays were 6 months ago.  So the LW was only with her b/f for less than a year at that time.

    So much chutzpah!  That's fine her parents had separate holidays.  But there is nothing wrong with the b/f/ex's system also.  In fact, it's really nice and the only person with a problem with it is her so she needs to get over it.  It sounds like it feeling awkward and like a 5th wheel is her own feelings and not something anyone is actually doing.

    Maybe things will change in the future as everyone's needs evolve.  Maybe as she spends more time with the children and ex-wife, it will be less awkward.  But in the meantime, she and her b/f can pick Christmas Eve or another nearby day to be "their" Christmas together.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This would be a no for me. But agree, you can't change their traditions. You either decide if you want to do things their way or find someone who is more compatible with your preferences. 
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