Dear Prudence,
My best friend “Laura” is currently deployed abroad but we are very close and talk constantly. When I visited her, she introduced me (36-year-old gay man) to her junior colleague, “Ken” (30-year-old gay man). Ken and I hit it off, talked every day for six months, and made plans to go out when he came to my city. Laura heard this from both of us and constantly encouraged it. Ken visited, we went out with his friends, and…it didn’t go well. Ken chatted up a stranger on the street, got his number, and invited him to join the group later that night. I left when the guy showed up and afterward, I told Ken how disrespected I felt. He refused to take any responsibility, said he could get attention from interested guys, and ignored me for a week because I was “mad at him.” I was hurt and felt like I’d wasted time and emotional energy.
My problem is with Laura. When I told her what happened, she brushed off my being hurt, said Ken had a history of being “self-centered,” and kept talking about changing how I approached dating and self-esteem. I was floored. She encouraged me to talk to Ken because it was a “miscommunication.” She claimed she is “neutral,” but every interaction is fraught—I think the “right guy” at the “wrong time” is the wrong guy for me, I think she should’ve warned me about Ken being “self-centered,” and I don’t think I need to examine myself because Ken was childish! I told her I couldn’t discuss him anymore and tried to enforce that boundary. But I feel like a trust has been broken. I’m concerned about how to talk with her while she’s abroad. What do I say? Do I write an email because phone calls haven’t worked? Can this friendship be saved? Help!
—Far From Friend and Far From Over It