Dear Prudence,
I am struggling with my relationship with my sister. She’s 60, I’m 66—you’d think we would have figured it out by now but no. She lives on the opposite coast, where we grew up, but frequently visits within a couple of hours of me. But she doesn’t visit me. I’ll see on social media that she was nearby but I rarely get a call to come meet her for coffee or a meal. Any time I do get that call I immediately accept and make the effort to go see her. I’ve also always traveled to see her—sometimes I stay with her and sometimes I get a rental.
Numerous times in the past 35 years we’ve made plans to travel together and whenever the time to commit arrived, she backed out. I no longer offer any plan like that—either I go to her town or I meet her when and if she gives me an opening to do so. I know that part of the problem is that I find her husband difficult. I’m liberal and involved with local politics, he’s a conservative with libertarian leanings. But we rub along pretty well. She’s extremely conflict-averse, whereas her husband and I enjoy getting into the weeds occasionally. I try not to be drawn into an argument because I know it’s hard for her to hear. And If my husband is present, he’s wonderful at keeping things from ever going to a place of heated discussion.
I haven’t seen her in person since 2019. In the past couple of years, she and her husband have built a vacation house on my side of the country. It’s not close (about five hours from me) but it’s closer than she is when we’re both at home. Last week, she said that she and her husband were going to be at the vacation house and that they were going to drive there. The logical route brings her within an hour or so of my house. I immediately said, “Oh, please come spend the night with us!” “Oh no,” she said, “We can’t do that, but maybe we could meet for lunch on our way.” I’m really sad about this. We’ve recently done a ton of work to our house and I’d like to show her and I’d just like a longer visit with her. Do I tell her how sad I am or continue to accept whatever space and time she’s able to give?
—Lonely Sister