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"This is more stressful than we thought, so we're taking a break. I don't want to talk about it."

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m a teacher, and I spend a lot of time with my co-workers. Everyone is very family-oriented and loves kids, so usually when people get married, it’s not uncommon for a teacher to ask something along the lines of: When are you going to have a baby? I very naively thought that it would be easy for us to get pregnant since we have no health issues. Therefore, I told a few work friends that we were starting the process of trying, and when they would ask how it was going, even though I was starting to get frustrated, I would still make some jokes like, “Winter break is coming—maybe we’ll get a little Christmas surprise!”

Unfortunately, now it’s been almost two years with no results. We have started to go to fertility clinics and recently found out that my husband’s sperm production is the cause of our infertility. I choose not to share this medical information with my coworkers because it’s so personal. However, I am still getting barraged by teachers giving me all this advice about what I can do to prepare my body for pregnancy. This is even more difficult to hear since I know that it’s not my body that is the problem, but I would never tell them that. They still come up to me all the time to ask me if I’m pregnant and whether I have any news.

I’ve personally been struggling with some depression due to this, so I usually just put on a happy face and say, “No news yet. I’ll make an announcement when there’s some news to be shared.” What I really want to say is, “Will you please stop asking about my reproductive health?” But that’s very rude, especially since I’m the one who opened the door to this side of my life. How do I firmly yet politely say to some of the more well-wishing teachers that this is a topic that I just do not wish to discuss anymore?

—No Baby News Yet

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Re: "This is more stressful than we thought, so we're taking a break. I don't want to talk about it."

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "It turns out that this is not what we thought it would be and it's pretty painful for me to discuss.  I appreciate you asking but for now would love for it to not be a topic of conversation." 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    One thing I'd like to add, it's a 'we' problem.  Framing it as, 'my body isn't the issue' is not helpful here, LW.  I know this is stressful and all of that, but male infertility is just as devastating and honestly, more 'in the dark' than female infertility (thanks patriarchy).  So the mindset for LW *has* to change. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    edited August 2024
    I find this level of obsession with whether or not someone's pregnant a bit bizarre, especially in a work setting. 
     
    That aside, I think it's perfectly okay to let people know that you don't want to talk about this anymore and that it's painful for you, and to keep standing your ground on that if they don't back off. I'd also say that if you and your husband decide to try again for a baby in the future, keep it to yourself. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2024
    downtondiva said:
    I find this level of obsession with whether or not someone's pregnant a bit bizarre, especially in a work setting. 
     
    Y'know, I would in any other setting, but my sister is a teacher and this is more normal in that environment.  My therapist was telling me yesterday that she's seen an uptick in teachers she sees complaining about things getting more and more cliquey and mean girls-ish in some teaching environments. 

    I do find the obsession this LW describes as an outlier to more conventional situations, but being in each other's pockets and personal lives isn't uncommon. 

    *ETA: Actually, my sister found herself in a meeting with her Asst. Superintendent and her teaching partner last school year because of some BS that boiled down my sister not wanting to share her personal life details and people thinking she was not a team-player or some such bullshit because she just wanted to do her job and go home. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    How fucking stupid do you have to be to not realize that if someone started trying two years ago and they're still not pregnant that there is something going on? These people are assholes. 
    I remember having this discussion with a family member who said "just tell them you're trying" and my answer was, "How about just shut up??" 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    How fucking stupid do you have to be to not realize that if someone started trying two years ago and they're still not pregnant that there is something going on? These people are assholes. 
    I couldn't agree more!  If a friend or coworker told me they were trying to have a baby, I would congratulate and wish them luck in that moment.

    It would only be a passing thought once in awhile, unless they were talking about it again.

    If during a passing thought I realized it had been over a year.  I'd send out a mental prayer for them to the universe, but certainly wouldn't be so rude as to ask and possibly bring up a painful subject.  It's not hard.

    With that said, the LW should have told her coworkers to please stop bringing it up a long time ago.

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yup.  The only thing I'd do if I was attempting to be an actual friend to the coworker was if people continued to be brought up that I'd quietly say, "I hear people bringing this up and your responses.  If you want to talk about anything I'm here and won't ask."  Or something that basically says "Obviously if you announced something and months later you aren't making a 2nd announcement then it's not going to plan and if that stress is something you want to talk about I'm an ear."  

    And the only reason why I'd consider saying it is because people who go through infertility may often feel totally alone and completely stressed about what's not working and do not always talk about it. 
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