Wedding Woes

You don't owe anyone forgiveness or friendship.

Dear Prudence, 

In 2019, just pre-COVID, a friend ended our friendship. Now he wants to resume it, and I can’t bring myself to forgive him. The friend at the time was going through a mental health crisis and had extreme paranoia. Part of how this manifested was his believing people were in love with him, or stalking him. Another part was him becoming convinced that friends were plotting against him. At the beginning of 2019, I was seriously ill, and another part of his paranoia was his sneering at my medications and hospital treatments and trying to convince me that they were ineffective, and his suggestions were better—that I would not be cured if I continued with my treatments. When I dismissed this, he sent me texts saying I was out to get him. We had met at school and then moved overseas, living in the same big U.S. city, and saw each other at big regular get-togethers with a shared circle of friends. He began to refuse to look at or speak to me, walking away if I joined a group, or theatrically turning his back. It did not entirely register with me, because I was too sick, exhausted, and depressed to care. He then, one by one, fell out with every member of our friendship group, and by the time COVID happened and parties were no longer an option, he had entirely disappeared.

We heard a few years later that he had been hospitalized during a mental health crisis. He is now out, post-treatment, and he recently left me a voice note, which was casual and upbeat, asking why I had not been in contact, and saying his new job was great, with no reference to having fallen out with me. Now, he has also rejoined our friendship group, and started turning up at events. I have not replied to the voice note, or been to events when he is coming. I don’t want to. Part of it is that I found out quite recently that in the year where he was snubbing me, he had spent considerable time going around our friendship group and telling others that I was lying about my illness. These were obvious lies that no one believed: I was visibly losing hair and weight, and friends had visited me in hospital. All considered, it’s not a big deal because the lies had no effect on me; I had no idea he was even telling them. The falling out was also less of a deal because he was never a close friend, and we had become more distant because he had become increasingly competitive with me, frustrated when I did well in my career, and jealous if he thought friends liked me more than him. I also knew his actions were driven by mental health problems which he was failing to address or even accept as real. I recognized the falling-out pattern from when we were both at school together, where he had often picked up a new friendship, become convinced the person was his best ever friend, then disappointed when the person invariably could not live up to his expectations, ending by freezing them out, accusing them of treachery behind their backs.

I rationally understand all of the reasons why not to attach too much weight to what happened, but still, I have no inclination to become friends again. I feel pressure to do so: My friends are all very clear that they think he behaved poorly, but they are also deeply Catholic and see forgiveness as very important to their dealings with others, especially the vulnerable. Again, I get it, and I’m also Catholic, but I’m not that selfless. I might have felt differently if he had taken the initiative to clear the air, but he has never apologized to anyone or even mentioned his quarrels with them. Again, I get it: It is painful for him to revisit, and it’s fine if other friends find that their own forgiveness alone can clear the air. But it’s not the case with me. I’m also skeptical: I’ve seen these fallings-out since we were at school, and I am not convinced he won’t take against me again on another paranoid pretext. I don’t want friendships that are one way, and acts of charity. I don’t want to share social events with him, I don’t want to see him at all, but this leaves my friendships and social life troubled.

—Unforgiving

Re: You don't owe anyone forgiveness or friendship.

  • You can forgive without opening up yourself to further abuse. Or not forgive, but if it makes it easier, tell your friends you did. 

    It sounds like these people are a bunch of idiots, though. It might behoove you to expand your social circle. 
  • Yes, it is time to expand your circle. Because while I wouldn't avoid larger events this person was at, I also would be going out of my way to invite them, and then shaming you for...I dunno exactly, because you did nothing wrong. I would be more sympathetic to the guy if he had spiraled, gotten help, and then sincerely apologized, but you still wouldn't be obligated to forgive him or entertain him. You're right, he probably will act out against you again. Part of a mental health journey and healing is facing things and taking some accountability and it doesn't sound like he's done that. 


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  • You mentioned a couple times, this person was not even a super close friend, just part of the same circle. Be cordial when you see him, and offer no more than that. 
  • Yeah, this sounds like the "crisis" part of his mental health issues is over, but not the actual issues.  I wouldn't respond to the voicemaiil or include him in any personally hosted get togethers.  You could even forgive the outbursts and still not allow this person back in your life.  LW gets to make their choices.  I just wouldn't share with the non-supportive friends and decide if I even wanted to keep them and go on from there.  B/c I'm kinda **head tilt** at this person not being called out for lying about someone's illness.
  • Casadena said:
    You mentioned a couple times, this person was not even a super close friend, just part of the same circle. Be cordial when you see him, and offer no more than that. 
    Exactly!  This isn't hard.  The LW also shouldn't be gossiping with their mutual friends about why they do/don't want to be friends with him.

    Don't bring it up, unless someone asks.  If they are a judgy person or if it is the friend themselves, leave it at a general, "I haven't spoken to him in years, so he is more like a distant acquaintance.  That works best for me."

    Their friend behaved horribly.  But it's 5 years later and the LW is still thinking about this person too much.  It's also alarming they are avoiding even large gatherings if the friend will be there.  Between that and the serious illness they had, I hope they are seeing a therapist.
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