Dear Prudence,
I am currently pregnant with my first. I have two stepkids who are 8 and 6. My husband was a teen father who did his best and tried to make the relationship with his ex work but she walked out when the youngest was just three weeks old. My in-laws took custody of both kids and are the primary caregivers. We live on the same property and see the kids every day. We pay an equal portion of the bills. I usually get along with my mother-in-law, but she has been weirdly hostile since we announced we were expecting.
She brings up the births of the other kids all the time. My husband and I can’t express any excitement without her raining on our parade and reminding us about the other children. She spoils the kids to excess. My co-workers threw me a baby shower and my mother-in-law was supposed to bring the cake. Instead, she showed up with both kids, had a bag of gifts for them, and let them blow out a candle on the cake like it was a birthday. All of my co-workers commented on how strange that was. My mother-in-law denied it and scolded me for being upset!
My husband tells me that my feelings are valid but that we have to think about his kids first. This leaves me wondering about how our baby fits into the picture then. I am lonely. My family lives far away and they plan to visit for the birth but my day-to-day support comes from my in-laws. My mother-in-law and I had a huge fight when I expressed relief that my company was willing to let us move to a part-time position so that we could keep our insurance and that several of my co-workers have expressed interest in a shared childcare arrangement. My mother-in-law was offended I wasn’t going to leave the baby with her. She went back to work two years ago and has talked about how she missed it. I feel like I am not allowed to feel any joy here. What should I do?
—Bewildered in Boston