Sex and Pregnancy

heyimbren · September 2010

I have a question for you ladies:

Once a couple starts having sex, do you think it's important that they be ready to accept the possibility of pregnancy?

Basically, let's say a young couple gets married and starts having sex after they are married. They don't want children right away, so they do use BC. But that isn't always effective.

Do you think a couple should be prepared for the consequence of pregnancy if they are having sex? How much responsibility do they have for this?

I'm not sure if that's a poor way of phrasing it. Let me know if it doesn't make sense. I'm just looking to hear some opinions on this.

Disclaimer: I know some people just don't want children at all, and that's fine. That's not the kind of situation I'm referring to here.

bsidebella · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:11ab6633-e45b-4b55-bfe0-927f8d976bc4">Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question for you ladies: Once a couple starts having sex, <strong>do you think it's important that they be ready to accept the possibility of pregnancy?</strong> Basically, let's say a young couple gets married and starts having sex after they are married. They don't want children right away, so they do use BC. But that isn't always effective. <strong>Do you think a couple should be prepared for the consequence of pregnancy if they are having sex?</strong> How much responsibility do they have for this?
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">Yes, on both accounts. Accidents happen, obviously, and not all birth control is 100%, but to me, it's just stupid of you don't want to have kids and you aren't even <em>trying</em> to make sure it doesn't happen.</div></div></div>

heyimbren · September 2010

I'm talking more about maturity, than using BC. More than just "being careful" but even if you are careful it can still happen.

bsidebella · September 2010

I don't see the difference...isn't using birth control a mature decision?

jacquiroxx · September 2010

Yes. If you are mature enough to have sex, you should be mature enough to face the possibility of pregnancy. There are other ways to get your rocks off without penetration

On another note, heyimbren, in your siggy, where are you? It is BEAUTIFUL and knowing BF he would LOVE to go on vaca somewhere like that (he's a mountain and lakes person, while I'm a beach brat).

redheadfsu · September 2010

A couple is mature if they use BC. Now, they should have the discussion what do we do if something happens even if we are careful. Whatever they decide to if it happens anyway is a personal decision and no one should judge.

CWill16 · September 2010

Do you mean accept the possibility of raising a child and not having an abortion? I kind of feel this was if the couple is married, and that is how it would be for me in my marriage. I am pretty pro choice though, so I believe they have the right to make the choice, but IMO it would be irresponsible to assume the risk as two married adults and then terminate.

bsidebella · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:07b43bfe-8764-4fcc-959f-e1d58b30d348">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Do you mean accept the possibility of raising a child and not having an abortion?</strong> I kind of feel this was if the couple is married, and that is how it would be for me in my marriage. I am pretty pro choice though, so <strong>I believe they have the right to make the choice, but IMO it would be irresponsible to assume the risk as two married adults and then terminate.</strong>
Posted by CWill16[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah, now THAT makes sense, but I still stand by my answer. If you're not planning on having a kid, take the necessary steps to prevent it from happening. As for a married couple terminating a pregnancy, there are a lot of factors that could come into play and make it a responsible decision. </div>

heyimbren · September 2010

Okay, I have a reason for bringing this up so I might as well just lay out the real reason I'm asking.

I agree that each couple should make their own decision regarding what they would do if a pregnancy did occur.

A friend of mine will be married in the spring at 19 years old. She's completely pro-life (particularly for herself) as is her FI, so they've already decided aboriton would not be an option. She's starting on BC now. But recently it's come up that she doesn't want kids for a long time (man years) and she doesn't want to carry a baby everywhere with her right now. That's fair enough.

What I don't understand is how someone at 19 can say "I'm old enough and mature enough to be married but I'm not ready to have a baby. So I'll take BC and keep my fingers crossed that it's effective and I don't get pregnant. But if I do get pregnant, well I guess I can love it."

It's my own personal opinion that she's way too naive to really be getting married (she just started post-secondary last week and has never lived on her own and has no money in savings- its all toward the wedding). But that's my own opinion and she has the right to choose her own life.

But it really bothers me that she acts as if her getting pregnant is impossible, when it's not. I guess I just feel that if you're old enough to be having sex and getting married, you better be old enough to accept that you could end up pregnant in doing so.

I was venting a little bit about this to family earlier, and I was curious to see what others felt. I may very well be in the minority, and that's fine. I don't plan to say anything about it. But it rubs me the wrong way.

jacquiroxx - It's at Moraine Lake in Banff National Park, Alberta. I highly recommend going there. The picture does not do it justice!

bethsmiles · September 2010

I disagree with people who are saying a couple is mature is they use BC. I don't think that's necessarily true, it may be one mature decision but its doesn't mean the couple is in general mature. One of my friends just found out she is pregnant, she is not mature at all. She still acts like she is in high school but she was using BC when she got pregnant.

I have friends that are acting the same ways as your friend, bren. They are getting married at 21 and have said things along those lines. But I totally agree with you. Its part of the reason BF and I are waiting to get married and have sex because IMO when you choose to have sex you need to be ready to accept the probability and responsibility of a child, even if you are pro-choice (which I'm not) because abortion is not a small matter either.

emelri27 · September 2010

I guess I can understand your friend's opinion on getting married and not ready for kids yet. I don't want kids for at least another five or six years, but if I get pregnant it's not the end of the world. The child would be loved and have a good father. BUT your friend should be prepared and understand that it could happen, so I agree she shouldn't think that it's impossible.

PaigeMcC · September 2010

I think if you're going to have sex you have to be aware of the possibility of children. The minute you do the horizontal tango children are possible. BC or not.

You may not want them but you have to be aware of the fact it could happen and prepared for (or have at least discussed the options) what you would do.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:3b954d1f-c3e8-4eb3-91d9-11d8426f716a">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I have friends that are acting the same ways as your friend, bren. They are getting married at 21 and have said things along those lines. But I totally agree with you. Its part of the reason BF and I are waiting to get married and have sex because IMO when you choose to have sex you need to be ready to accept the probability and responsibility of a child, even if you are pro-choice (which I'm not) because abortion is not a small matter either.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

You summed up exactly how I feel, Beth. I feel better when I read your posts about this friend because I can easily relate. It's nice knowing I'm not just crazy.

I just don't think it should be treated as frivolously as she seems to be acting. If you want to get married young and broke, fine. But when it comes to bringing a child into this world, your choices no longer just effect you.

I guess it kind of reminds me of what used to be said in sex ed class: if you aren't ready for the possibility of a baby, you shouldn't be having sex.

That doesn't mean that people who don't want a baby shouldn't be having sex. If you feel that you don't want one and you would choose to not keep the baby, I see that as being ready for that possibility.

bethsmiles · September 2010

I'm surrounded by crazy people. My BF jokes that some of my friends have starring roles in their own soap opera.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:006427af-5893-4019-98d3-2404c2c4080e">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm surrounded by crazy people. My BF jokes that some of my friends have starring roles in their own soap opera.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Hahaha that's why I like school - it gives me a distraction from the craziness.

Sometimes crazy people show up TK too. But I like being able to honestly say they're crazy. It's so refreshingly honest on here.

HobokensFury · September 2010

I can see where your friend is coming from. I'm old enough and mature enough to be married but I feel as though I am not yet ready to be a mom so FI and I take the proper procautions. With that being said if I were to become pregnant tomorrow our baby would be 100% loved, supported and well taken care of.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:06104ef3-1c7d-402c-9f03-21de9461a058">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see where your friend is coming from. I'm old enough and mature enough to be married but I feel as though I am not yet ready to be a mom so FI and I take the proper procautions. With that being said if I were to become pregnant tomorrow our baby would be 100% loved, supported and well taken care of.
Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

I understand what you're saying about how IDEALLY you'd like to wait longer, but how you described yourself sounds different from my friend because of your response to a potential pregnancy.

When I'm married, I think it would be nice to spend a couple years childless, but I think once you're married you need to be open to the possibility at least.

zipis1 · September 2010

Yep. Every sexually active couple should be willing to acknowledge that no matter the precaution (barring full hysterectomy) there is a chance that pregnancy can occur, and they should be OK with being able to support that child if they are not the type to terminate. Heck, BF and I don't even have sex and don't plan to and we know what we would do if that were to happen, so I may go so far as to say every couple, regardless of their sexual status, should have a plan they're comfortable with.

In your friend's case, I really hope she stops putting her head in the sand about what could happen. Will she at least use two forms of BC? There would still be a chance then but it would be greatly diminished.

GreenPepperBurger · September 2010

In life, s**t happens. Sometimes women get pregnant even though they take precautions. IMO--and I'm pro-choice--it's the people that think, "Oh, whatever, I can just get an abortion if I get pregnant" that are ridiculous. Abortion is NOT a form of birth control. I can understand if you really did take all the necessary precautions, and you still got pregnant and you REALLY couldn't have a child at the moment. And of course in instances of rape or if the child is sick/the mother's life is in danger. But just throwing caution to the wind? STUPID.

sapphirebaby926 · September 2010

I think that any sexually active couple should realize that there is a chance of pregnancy no matter what kind of birth control they use. BCP's and condoms fail sometimes but they should know that by having sex there will always be that possibility that they could end up with a child.

artbyallie · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:59911c93-dc3d-4fe8-b670-e9faca5788a4">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]In life, s**t happens. Sometimes women get pregnant even though they take precautions. IMO--and I'm pro-choice--it's the people that think, "Oh, whatever, I can just get an abortion if I get pregnant" that are ridiculous. Abortion is NOT a form of birth control. I can understand if you really did take all the necessary precautions, and you still got pregnant and you REALLY couldn't have a child at the moment. And of course in instances of rape or if the child is sick/the mother's life is in danger. But just throwing caution to the wind? STUPID.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I'm pro-life, but the people who treat abortion as BC absolutely sicken me.</div>

callalily13 · September 2010

I have always been pro-choice, but I would never be able to do it myself. I believe that abortion is an option, but I feel too many women use it as a birth control. When my fiance and I decided to start having sex (we waited until we were both 18), we had a long talk about if we had a child what we would do. We decided then that if it happened we would both get jobs (any possible one we could get) and hopefully our parents would let us live at one of our homes and raise the child. Now that we are older (22) it is the same thing. We use the pill and condoms everytime but still you never know. If you are mature enough to get married, you should be prepared for any possible complications.

deburnin · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:59911c93-dc3d-4fe8-b670-e9faca5788a4">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]In life, s**t happens. Sometimes women get pregnant even though they take precautions. <strong>IMO--and I'm pro-choice--it's the people that think, "Oh, whatever, I can just get an abortion if I get pregnant" that are ridiculous.</strong> Abortion is NOT a form of birth control. I can understand if you really did take all the necessary precautions, and you still got pregnant and you REALLY couldn't have a child at the moment. And of course in instances of rape or if the child is sick/the mother's life is in danger. But just throwing caution to the wind? STUPID.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I'm pro-choice as well. I think that a lot of people don't realize how emotional of a decision it can end up being. I'm sure to some women it's no big deal, but having been very active in the pro-choice community and talking with a lot of different women who each went different paths (keeping, adoption, and abortion) you can see how emotional it really is and the majority of women do not make the decision lightly. The ones who use it as their only form of BC really give them a bad rep as emotionless women, which they are not.</div><div>
</div><div>BF and I triple up on the BC. PIlls, condoms, and spermicide. I in no way feel mature enough to have a child. I am still far too selfish. That being said BF and I have discussed at length what we would do if we were to become pregnant and neither abortion or adoption would be right for us. However, BF has always agreed that the final decision would be up to me. So if we got into that type of situation and I decided that abortion was an option (which I don't foresee happening but one never knows how one will react until actually faced with it) he would support me in the decision.</div>

desertsun · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:c2ecb164-3e72-4afe-b907-c65f36d73e3a">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I have a reason for bringing this up so I might as well just lay out the real reason I'm asking. I agree that each couple should make their own decision regarding what they would do if a pregnancy did occur. A friend of mine will be married in the spring at 19 years old. She's completely pro-life (particularly for herself) as is her FI, so they've already decided aboriton would not be an option. <strong>She's starting on BC now. But recently it's come up that she doesn't want kids for a long time (man years) and she doesn't want to carry a baby everywhere with her right now. That's fair enough. What I don't understand is how someone at 19 can say "I'm old enough and mature enough to be married but I'm not ready to have a baby. So I'll take BC and keep my fingers crossed that it's effective and I don't get pregnant. <u>But if I do get pregnant, well I guess I can love it.</u>"</strong> It's my own personal opinion that she's way too naive to really be getting married (she just started post-secondary last week and has never lived on her own and has no money in savings- its all toward the wedding). But that's my own opinion and she has the right to choose her own life. But it really bothers me that she acts as if her getting pregnant is impossible, when it's not. I guess I just feel that if you're old enough to be having sex and getting married, you better be old enough to accept that you could end up pregnant in doing so. I was venting a little bit about this to family earlier, and I was curious to see what others felt. I may very well be in the minority, and that's fine. I don't plan to say anything about it. But it rubs me the wrong way. jacquiroxx - It's at Moraine Lake in Banff National Park, Alberta. I highly recommend going there. The picture does not do it justice!
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It sounds like she IS accepting that she could get pregnant, but she's not going to worry overmuch about it since she plans to use BC.</div><div>
</div><div>You might emphasize to her that the efficacy of BC is largely dependent on CONSISTENT and correct use, and that her best option is to use condoms in addition to her BCP. </div><div>
</div><div>I agree that an adult discusses consequences with his/her partner.</div><div>
</div><div>But I also think there's a huge difference between being ready for kids, and dealing with an unwanted pregnancy responsibly.</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like she's decided she'd keep the baby if she got pregnant. So what if she doesn't have further plans? What more do you want? What would make her ready or mature or whatever you're looking for from her?</div><div>
</div><div>I guess I don't really understand why you're upset and/or concerned to the point that you feel the need to "vent" about it. </div>

KD+BC · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:1d3670f9-0d31-4207-9a3b-659eca4be7d9">Re: Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sex and Pregnancy : It sounds like she IS accepting that she could get pregnant, but she's not going to worry overmuch about it since she plans to use BC. You might emphasize to her that the efficacy of BC is largely dependent on CONSISTENT and correct use, and that her best option is to use condoms in addition to her BCP. I agree that an adult discusses consequences with his/her partner. But I also think there's a huge difference between being ready for kids, and dealing with an unwanted pregnancy responsibly. It sounds like she's decided she'd keep the baby if she got pregnant. So what if she doesn't have further plans? What more do you want? What would make her ready or mature or whatever you're looking for from her? I guess I don't really understand why you're upset and/or concerned to the point that you feel the need to "vent" about it.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

This.

I don't really understand the frustration. She hasn't had sex leading up to getting married which is a feat in itself. She is getting married and will begin having sex with her DH so she is on BC. What else is there? It's unreasonable to suggest not having sex especially for a married couple. She's taking precautions and understands that there is a slight possibility that she could get pregnant. What else do you want from her?

Sure she's young and it's not the best time to have a baby since she's in college and broke but people make it happen. It's not something I recommend but I don't know what you want her to do.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2010

Oh boy...where to start?

I think a couple is ready to have sex when they are 1) emotionally prepared for how sex changes a relationship 2) educated enough to understand how BC works and use serious precautionary methods 3) mature enough EVEN AFTER 1 & 2 to discuss "what if" with their partner.

This may be way TMI, but I've been on birth control for nearly a decade and I've been sexually active since I was 15. Yes, 15. I was nowhere near ready then, but I was being safe about it.

Now that I'm older, I realize how dumb I was to have sex, regardless of how careful I was, because I didn't fulfill my #1 & 3 requirements. Thank God I never got pregnant. It would have been devastating.

FI and I are sexually active and I'm have the Paragard IUD. It's idiot-proof, since a doctor inserts it & it just chills for the next 12 years. It's also over 99% effective. FI and I have discussed it though, and if, God forbid, I get pregnant now, we would keep it. There's no way, at this stage in my life & of my relationship, I could get an abortion.

The way I see it, if you're being really careful (perfect use of BC & using condoms) & you still get pregnant, it's nothing short of an act of God. It's so statistically unlikely that you can honestly say "I've taken the precautionary measures, I'll have to deal with it." If you can't say that, you shouldn't be having sex.

Also, I agree with PPs, abortion is not a method of BC.

nottheonlydreamer44 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sex-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:66e97f5a-2656-4e32-bb82-ea36cfd57518Post:11ab6633-e45b-4b55-bfe0-927f8d976bc4">Sex and Pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question for you ladies: Once a couple starts having sex, do you think it's important that they be ready to accept the possibility of pregnancy? Basically, let's say a young couple gets married and starts having sex after they are married. They don't want children right away, so they do use BC. But that isn't always effective. Do you think a couple should be prepared for the consequence of pregnancy if they are having sex? How much responsibility do they have for this? I'm not sure if that's a poor way of phrasing it. Let me know if it doesn't make sense. I'm just looking to hear some opinions on this. Disclaimer: I know some people just don't want children at all, and that's fine. That's not the kind of situation I'm referring to here.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

I didn't take the time to read through the rest of the responses (bad me) but I would say yes and no. I know this is something I have dealt with personally and now it worries me even more since I can't use any kind of female BC (all my medications lessen the effectiveness and the BC lessens the effectiveness of my meds).

If you are taking precautions to prevent pregnancy, using them correctly, and honestly not wanting a baby at that time then I can see not wanting that responsibility. Yes everytime you have sex you risk pregnancy, I know this. I'm also pro-choice (not turning this into an abortion argument). If both parties aren't ready - financially specifically - then I would say it's your own decision as a couple on how to deal with it.

ETA: After now reading through everything I see what you're saying about your friend. I do think she is logically saying, okay if it happens then I'll deal with it. Abortion as a form of birth control is not okay - accidents happen but as someone else stated abortion is not something that is gone into lightly. I still stand by the fact it is the couple's decision (privately) to work out what they end result of an unexpected pregnancy will be.

noelle24 · September 2010

I'm with Desert and KD. I'm not sure what more you want from her. She's using BC, and said she'd keep the baby if they got pregnant. There can't be a 50-point plan in place for a hypothetical child. It's not like she's throwing caution to the wind and not using BC at all. Should they have discussed it in more detail? Maybe. But I don't think it deserved a rant.

Abstinence is the only surety when it comes to BC, but that's unrealistic for many teenagers, especially a married couple.

Narwhal · September 2010

I think what she said is fine. Do you expect her to completely abstain from sex with her husband just because they don't have a college fund set up yet?

redheadfsu · September 2010

Sounds like your friend has decided she would raise the child. So, I'm on the what else do you want her to do train. Sounds like she is mature, she plans to use BC. BC is usually effective. Five years for me & never a scare.

Would you rather they not get married, but have sex anyway? Most people in college do have sex. (not advocating, but it is a reality)

hetshup · September 2010

I am totally baffled by this thread. Yes, she will have sex, yes, she is taking precautions. Yes, she is 19 and probably not ready for a child. But she's married, better then with some one night stand.

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